The YouTube video "How To Silence A Rude Person" from the "Charisma on Command" channel provides guidance on how to respond to insults or rude comments, especially from friends, without escalating the situation into a fight.
Do not retaliate with an insult when genuinely hurt
Firing back with an insult when your feelings are hurt is a common reaction, but it can damage relationships and make you appear rude, even if you didn't start it. While it might feel good in the moment, you'll almost always regret it. Jonah Hill's early public apologies for such reactions serve as an example of what to avoid.
Deny Them What They Want (Attention and an Answer)
- Most people who insult you are seeking something in return, such as attention, a laugh, or an emotional overreaction.
- The strategy is to punish the behaviour by denying them this positive reinforcement. This means ignoring the person and actively shifting the focus to someone else in the group.
- Example: When a paparazzi asked Jonah Hill if he was "the fat guy in Hollywood still," Jonah responded by asking, "Do you have any other questions that are smart?" and then asked, "I have a question because you're in Atlanta," effectively denying the questioner the specific attention and answer they sought.
- Effectiveness: Sometimes, not reacting at all is enough to project confidence, as demonstrated by Kobe Bryant.
Draw a Boundary
If simply ignoring doesn't work, the next step is to draw a boundary. There are two types:
- Soft Lines: For less serious situations.
- Approach: Calmly and kindly call out the behaviour you don't like. Once it's clear the message has been received, move past it. This establishes your boundary without alienating others, as people generally feel uncomfortable with conflict.
- Example: During an interview, when Jimmy Kimmel made a backhanded compliment about Jonah Hill smelling good, Jonah responded, "I'm going to really work hard to not take that as a shot, you know what I mean?" When Jimmy tried to walk back his comment, Jonah faked dragging out the uncomfortable moment before releasing the tension and letting them move on.
- Hard Lines: For more serious situations where someone does something you find truly unacceptable, with explicit consequences.
- Approach: Speak calmly, draw a clear boundary, and explain why the boundary is important to you. If the person crosses the boundary again, follow through on your stated consequence.
- Example: Julian Assange calmly cut off an interviewer who deviated from the agreed topic (WikiLeaks documents) to ask about his personal legal situation. He stated, "I'm not going to talk about that in relation to this." When she persisted, he warned, "I will have to walk if you're going to contaminate this extremely serious interview with questions about my personal life." When she continued, he calmly walked out.
- Note on Social Hierarchy: The video mentions that in friend groups, your social standing can influence how likely people are to respect your boundaries.
Turn it into Friendly Banter (When Not Actually Offended)
If you're not genuinely offended and want to keep the interaction playful, there are three ways:
- Banter Back and Match Insult Level:
- Approach: Respond with a witty comeback that matches the level of their insult. This shows confidence and makes it less likely for others in the group to perceive you as rude.
- Example: Louis C.K. called Jay Leno "the weirdest looking person on the planet Earth." Jay Leno responded by teasing Louis about his beard, saying, "I just don't have to cover my chin because I'm proud of it," matching the personal nature of Louis's joke.
- Fake Offence:
- Approach: Pretend to be offended with a big smile and over-the-top facial expressions to signal it's not real. This conveys confidence without requiring quick wit.
- Example: When a young man asked Anne Hathaway how much weight she lost for a role, she feigned offense with exaggerated expressions, saying, "You did not just ask me that! You're like what a forward young man you are!" while smiling.
- Genuinely Laugh:
- Approach: Simply laughing genuinely when someone tries to insult you is enough to convey confidence and makes you enjoyable to be around.
- Example: Brendan Schaub is highlighted for his ability to laugh when people take shots at him, which projects confidence and helps him connect with comedians.
The most challenging aspect of handling insults is developing the self-confidence to remain unrattled, regardless of what anyone says about you.