What do we owe our friends? - How to Talk to People

The YouTube video, "What Do We Owe Our Friends? How to Talk to People, Episode 3" from The Atlantic, features Julie Beck, Becca Rasheed, Lizzy Post (co-president of the Emily Post Institute), and Marissa Franco (psychologist and author of Platonic). It delves into common conflicts and misunderstandings in friendships, offering insights and advice on fostering deeper connections in a culture that often leaves friendship expectations undefined.

Learning Points:

1. Normalisation of Flaking and its Impact: Flaking, or cancelling plans last minute, has become a "routine part of social life" and is often expected. This trend, where people cancel with "no explanation" or simply because they're "not feeling up to it" or "tired from work," is seen as problematic and frustrating by many. It signifies a lack of reliability in plans.
2. The "Protecting Our Energy" Premium: Society often places a high value on "protecting our energy" and "bandwidth," but this can come "at the cost of our relationships" if it leads to consistent flaking and a feeling that one doesn't "care about this friendship". The idea of needing to be in "optimal Tip-Top shape" to socialise can prevent showing up for friends.
3. Ambiguity of Friendship Expectations: Unlike romantic relationships, where expectations are often more defined, friendships encompass many different kinds of relationships, leading to "clashing expectations" that often go unspoken. The "endless possibility" of friendship can be both a strength and overwhelming.
4. Passivity in Addressing Friendship Conflicts: There is a "culture of passivity in friendships," where people are more likely to "say nothing" and hope issues disappear, or quietly create distance, rather than actively addressing problems, in contrast to how conflicts are approached in romantic partnerships.
5. Over-Politeness and Fear of Imposing: People often exhibit "strange politeness or formality" in friendships, such as texting to set up a call instead of just calling, or using phrases like "no worries if not" when asking for help. This stems from a "fear of imposing" or "burdening people," but it can hinder deeper connection and lead to a lack of communication about needs.
6. Individualistic vs. Communal Boundaries: The modern approach to boundaries can be "overly self-focused," prioritising one's own needs "no matter what your needs are". This "individualistic boundary" protects the self, while a "communal boundary" aims to protect the relationship by considering both individuals' needs and often includes an "offering" like an alternative time or affirmation.
7. Friendship as Effort, Not Work: Using "capitalistic terms for friendship" like "friendship takes work" carries negative associations (something one has to do, needs compensation for). "Friendship takes effort" is preferred, conveying that inconveniencing oneself, going "out of our way," and being proactive are natural parts of a close friendship without negative connotations.
8. The Deeper Meaning of "Friend": The term "friend" can be loosely defined. There's a distinction between "good company" (liking someone, enjoying time together) and "good friendship" (commitment, showing up in times of need, investing, celebrating successes, following through).
9. Cultural Individualism's Role: Living in an "individualistic" culture encourages a "you do you" mentality, making it difficult to establish "understood obligation to one another" in friendships.
10. Queer Communities as Pioneers: Queer communities are highlighted as "pioneers of friendship" who often place more value on platonic relationships and have developed different models for valuing various types of relationships, such as "relationship anarchy," which suggests defining relationship value outside societal norms.
11. Romantic Language for Platonic Needs: People often resort to "the language of Romance" to express deep affection or need for friends (e.g., "needy boyfriend"), potentially minimising the importance and validity of platonic love and connection.

Action Points:

1. Communicate Expectations Explicitly: Since friendship expectations can clash, it's beneficial to have "broader bigger conversations about the foundational issues of their friendships" – discussing intimacy levels, roles, and mutual expectations.
2. Address Issues Directly, Respectfully: Rather than remaining passive, address problems with friends. In the moment of a cancellation, polite acceptance is best, but later, in a suitable moment, express how the behaviour affects you (e.g., "I feel hurt when that happens").
3. Be Intentional About Showing Up: Recognise that showing up for friends is a commitment and sometimes requires inconvenience. Actively make the "small gestures of love" that demonstrate effort, even across different time zones.
4. Rethink "Protecting Energy": While self-care is important, evaluate if protecting personal energy is coming "at the cost of our relationships". Sometimes, moments of "giving and generosity" can reveal hidden reserves of capacity.
5. Challenge Over-Politeness: Don't let fear of imposing prevent asking friends for help or expressing needs. As one participant asks, "is being polite really equal to not asking each other for anything?". Assume people like you and would be honoured to help.
6. Set Communal Boundaries: When setting boundaries, consider your friend's needs in addition to your own. Offer alternatives or affirmations to demonstrate care for the relationship's long-term health.
7. Define Your "Friendship Language": Understand that everyone defines what they "owe" a friend differently. Determine what you value in friendship and cultivate relationships that align with your "entertaining style" and expectations of commitment.
8. Prioritise Friendships Actively: Recognise that in an individualistic culture, prioritising friendship can feel like "swimming against the current". Be proactive and take initiative to nurture connections, rather than passively waiting for them to "come effortlessly".
9. Ask Direct Questions: Initiate conversations about preferences, such as "do you like when friends show up last minute at your house?" to avoid assumptions and create opportunities for connection.
10. Re-evaluate the "Would I do this for a romantic partner?" Test: For significant asks or efforts (like picking someone up at the airport), consider if you would do it for a romantic partner. If the answer is yes, challenge the cultural tendency to de-prioritise friends and act on that same level of care.