The YouTube video, "The Science of Regret | A Slight Change of Plans | Maya Shankar," features author Daniel Pink discussing the emotion of regret and how it can be a valuable force for good in our lives.
Understanding Regret
- Regret is Adaptive and Functional: Contrary to popular belief that we should only focus on positive emotions, negative feelings like regret are "adaptive" and "functional" if we learn how to treat them effectively. They can be a "force for good in our lives".
- Definition and Visceral Feeling: Regret is described as "the stomach turning feeling that the present would be better and the future brighter if only you hadn't chosen so poorly decided so wrongly or acted so stupidly in the past." It's a deeply personal and often uncomfortable emotion.
- Regret Reveals Our Values: When people express their deepest regrets, they are implicitly revealing "what they value the most." This makes regret a powerful signal in our psyche, "an air horn screaming" to pay attention to what truly matters to us.
- Complex Cognitive Abilities Required: The ability to feel regret depends on sophisticated mental processes:
- Time Travel: Mentally transporting ourselves back to a past decision point.
- Storytelling/Counterfactual Thinking: Rewriting history in our minds, imagining a different outcome ("if only") that runs "counter to the actual facts".
- Developmental Milestone: The capacity for regret emerges between the ages of five and seven. Younger children understand sadness but lack the cognitive "muscularity" to perform the mental "trapeze act" of comparing reality with an imagined past, as illustrated by the Bob and David study.
- Ingredients of Regret: Comparison and Blame/Agency:
- Comparison: Regret doesn't exist in absolute terms; it's a comparison between actual circumstances and an imagined alternative.
- Blame/Agency: A crucial differentiator from disappointment, regret implies "your fault." We feel regret for actions or inactions we had control over, making it sting more intensely.
- Regret is Universal: It is the most commonly expressed negative emotion in everyday conversations (after love). A survey showed 82% of the US population occasionally look back and wish they had done things differently, while only 1% never do. "To live is to accumulate at least some regret," and not experiencing it could signal a "grave problem".
Engaging with Regret "The Right Way"
- Avoid Ignoring or Wallowing: We are often conditioned to ignore negative emotions, but this is a "bad idea." Conversely, getting "captured" by regrets and ruminating unproductively is also detrimental.
- Listen to Regret as a Signal: Instead, we should confront our regrets, viewing them as "signals," "data," and "information". This approach can:
- Make us better negotiators, problem-solvers, and strategists.
- Deepen our sense of meaning in life.
- Increase our performance in various tasks.
- Embrace the Discomfort: Regret, when properly engaged with, "clarifies what we value and instructs us on how to do better," but this comes with "discomfort" and "pain." It's a "package deal," and this discomfort is often the source of clarity and instruction.
- Bias Towards "If Only" Thinking: Humans tend to favour "upward counterfactuals" ("if only I had done better"), which makes us feel worse but motivates us to improve. "Downward counterfactuals" ("at least it wasn't worse") make us feel better but don't necessarily drive improvement. This is exemplified by Olympic bronze medalists often appearing happier than silver medalists.
Four Core Regrets
Dan Pink's research identified four universal categories of regret, rooted in what people value:
- Boldness Regrets: "If only I'd taken the chance." These are regrets about inaction – not taking risks or opportunities. They become more prominent with age, as past opportunities are less recoverable than past actions.
- Foundation Regrets: "If only I had done the work." These stem from small, early-life mistakes that accumulate into significant negative consequences (e.g., poor financial planning, neglecting health).
- Moral Regrets: "If only I'd done the right thing." These arise when people take the "low road" instead of acting ethically (e.g., marital infidelity, bullying).
- Connection Regrets: Regrets about relationships that have drifted apart. Often, people hesitate to reach out due to perceived awkwardness, but in reality, reconnection is "way less awkward than we think," and the other person "almost always cares".
Actionable Strategies for Processing Regret
- Treat Yourself with Kindness, Not Contempt: Recognize that your regrets are part of the "human condition." Many others share similar regrets, so avoid self-criticism and understand you are not alone.
- Disclose Your Regrets: Even private writing helps convert abstract, "blobby" emotions into concrete words, making them "less menacing" and initiating a "sense making process".
- Extract a Lesson: Actively seek out the instruction or lesson embedded within your regret. This is crucial for personal growth and future improvement.
- Consult Your Future Self: Use your brain's time-travel ability to ask your "you of 10 years from now" for advice. This provides a clearer perspective on what truly matters, avoiding the potential "fog" or "performative" aspects of "deathbed regrets".
- Evaluate Behavior, Not Character: Avoid making broad, negative assessments about your character based on a single mistake or regret. Instead, evaluate the specific "behavior in isolation," remembering that a blunder is "a moment in your life, not the full measure of your life".
- Caution Against Anticipated Regret: While valuable, don't "over-index" on anticipated regret. This can lead to "sub-optimal decisions" and unnecessary risk-aversion, causing you to "buy emotional insurance we don't need." Recognize that some regrets are "ephemeral".
By consciously engaging with regret, as Daniel Pink did with his own "kindness regrets," we can clarify our values and be prompted to "do better in the future".
... and also The Science of Our Inner Voice - Dr Maya Shankar A Slight Change of Plans with Prof Ethan Kross: