3 Rules That Will Immediately Change Your Life - Mark Manson
Rule #1: You are Responsible for Everything in Your Own Experience (Even if it's Not Your Fault) - Radical Responsibility
Core Concept: This rule, rooted in existentialism, particularly from Jean-Paul Sartre, asserts that in every conscious moment, we are making choices. These choices include not only what we do but also how we perceive things.
The Burden of Choice: Sartre highlighted that this constant necessity for choosing—of perception and action—is a significant mental and emotional load, leading humans to shirk responsibility.
Avoiding Responsibility: People often blame others ("he made me do it," "my boss fucked up") or adopt others' values and belief systems ("my dad was a doctor, so I have to be one," "everyone else is doing it") to avoid this responsibility. Sartre called this "living in bad faith"—living for other people rather than for oneself.
Living in Authenticity: Conversely, making conscious choices based on one's own principles and values, and being aware of these choices, is "living in authenticity". This is akin to "being yourself," understanding your values, and standing for them, even if it means social punishment.
Foundation for Improvement: Manson states that personal responsibility is "step one of any sort of self-improvement". Without believing you are responsible and capable of choosing differently, there is no path to improvement.
Responsibility/Fault Fallacy: A common hang-up is confusing responsibility with fault. Manson clarifies that being responsible for something does not mean it's your fault. For example, getting hit by a bus might not be your fault, but recovering from it is your responsibility. Similarly, if a baby is left on your doorstep, it's not your fault, but it's your responsibility to care for it.
Broader Impact: Accepting radical responsibility is fundamental not only for self-improvement but also for mental and emotional health, being ethical, and having good relationships.
Rule #2: There is No Such Thing as a Bad Emotion; There are Only Bad Reactions to Emotions - Radical Acceptance
Core Concept: All emotions—anger, sadness, depression, anxiety—are normal, basic human functions. Their "goodness" or "badness" is determined by how a person responds to them, not the emotion itself.
Emotional Skill: Manson prefers the term "emotional skill" over "emotional intelligence," acknowledging that individuals have varying natural aptitudes for managing different emotions. However, he stresses that everyone needs to train themselves to deal with emotions better.
Willingness to Experience: The first step to emotional health is "learning not to block any of them" and being willing to experience emotions without judging them as bad, wrong, or shameful.
Emotions as Biological Feedback: Emotions are biological feedback mechanisms that evolved to help us survive. Fear signals danger, and anger motivates us to overcome obstacles. They are "intrinsically useful tools in our biology".
Healthy Expression: The second step is to express these emotions in a way that is healthy or at least not damaging to oneself and others.
Caution Against Glorification of Vulnerability: While public vulnerability from prominent figures is generally a positive development for emotional health, Manson warns against the "glorification" of such displays. Judging emotions positively ("I'm the greatest for being sad") can unconsciously incentivise people to seek out and identify with sadness, negating the benefits of vulnerability. The point is not to judge emotions at all—you're not a loser for being sad, nor a saint.
Rule #3: Every Action and Decision You Make Should Be Motivated to Improve Lives, Both Yours and Others' - Radical Growth
Core Concept: This rule promotes "radical growth" or "radical improvement," emphasising the intention to improve lives, whether one's own, others', or even other living beings.
Difficulty of Application: Manson acknowledges this rule is difficult to uphold because it's hard to define "improvement" or "what makes a life better". The line between helpful and harmful actions (e.g., pampering vs. providing opportunity, loving vs. smothering) is often unclear.
Importance of Intention: Because of this difficulty, the crucial element is "intention". The intention should always be towards growth, greater health, and greater functionality.
Constant Effort: Like virtues such as honesty, this rule requires constant effort. A good "rule for life" should not be something easily achieved and then discarded; it should demand continuous striving.