Sadia Khan is a relationship coach and a speaker
Dating in the modern world is more fraught than ever. Men and women are finding themselves confused and lost as they try to make sense of a mating landscape which becomes ever more difficult to navigate.
Expect to learn why Sadia’s Instagram has been banned 3 times, why nice guys have such a hard time in relationships, whether men and women can actually be friends, whether hot women tend to be crazier, how to stop being a jealous partner, whether body count actually matters, why married couples cheat, what Love Island is doing to our view of romance and much more...
Understanding Modern Love and Relationships
- Recognise that the widespread belief that love is toxic often stems from individuals' negative past experiences, leading them to define all love by a terrible ending.
- Love itself is not toxic; it is people's behaviour in love and when vulnerable that creates toxicity. Blaming love or an ex ("narcissist") can avoid personal responsibility.
- Be aware that the narrative promoting independence over love may be driven by marketing, as "independence breeds more customers" for various industries like social media and cosmetic surgery.
- Understand that societal narratives often portray love as making men weak and women subservient, contrary to what both sexes typically desire.
- Distinguish between pain (inevitable life events) and suffering (how you interpret the inevitable life events and the emotional consequences of poor decision-making); if love feels like suffering, examine your choices and reactions.
- Human beings are biologically designed for connection and love, which is essential for well-being, pain relief, and reducing anxiety; denying this potential can lead to depression and anxiety. Your body craves love even if your mind is convinced otherwise.
Addressing Low Self-Esteem and Avoiding Connection
- The "anti-love trend" seen in some men and women often originates from low self-esteem and a belief of not being worthy or desirable, leading them to pretend they don't want love.
- Beware of "capping your potential" by retreating into an "inner Citadel" to avoid perceived pain (e.g., heartbreak), as this prevents personal growth and can lead to depression.
Navigating the Landscape of Sex Work and Transactional Relationships
- Understand that men choosing pornography or escorts over real relationships often do so to avoid the emotional effort and potential rejection of genuine connection, even though the ultimate goal is connection, not just sex.
- Recognise that sex work can often be a coping mechanism for women stemming from childhood sexual abuse, where monetizing sex allows them to minimize trauma and feel in control, potentially leading to emotional detachment in personal relationships.
- Be aware that men who pay for sex work often exhibit high levels of emotional avoidance and low self-esteem, compensating for their inability to form genuine connections. Emotionally intelligent men are less likely to engage, considering the woman's potential trauma.
- Understand that women in sex work may develop a transactional view of men, struggling to form genuine emotional connections and often lacking respect for partners who accept their profession.
Rethinking Shame, Boundaries, and Relationships
- Recognise that guilt, shame, and regret are necessary emotions for responsible and healthy decision-making; removing them through concepts like "slut shaming" can normalise abnormal behaviour and lead to recklessness.
- Understand "slut shaming" and "simp shaming" as forms of intrasexual competition, where individuals attempt to control the "price" of sex or resources within their own gender.
- For men, the "nice guy" problem is not about being too kind, but about a lack of masculinity, weak boundaries, and unwillingness to walk away from unacceptable behaviour. Women desire authentic men who can make good decisions and lead, not overly pliable partners.
- Be aware that "people pleasing" can prevent authentic connection, as it avoids the necessary "disagreeable" moments that create depth. People-pleasing may also stem from a lack of formative challenging interactions, such as those typically provided by a father figure.
- Avoid the "treat them mean, keep them keen" tactic, as it attracts individuals with low self-esteem and creates unstable relationships that struggle with commitment.
- Embrace male-female friendships as crucial "training grounds" for men to understand women's communication and emotional landscape, which direct romantic experience might not teach due to protective "games".
- Recognise that women may prefer male friends due to the perceived safety and lack of competitive hostility often experienced in some female friendships.
Considering the Impact of Modern Societal Trends
- Understand that the sexual revolution, while presented as liberation, has arguably failed children by creating a landscape of "broken people" and has primarily benefited men seeking low-investment, no-responsibility sexual access.
- Be critical of how bisexuality is sometimes presented in media and culture, noting that its promotion (e.g., girl-on-girl activities) often serves male pleasure rather than genuine female desire, and can lead to one-sided "open relationships".
- Recognise that men experience significant pain from involuntary childlessness, with marriage and children providing essential purpose, motivation, and even increased lifespan.
- Challenge the "anti-children and family creation" culture; having children fosters responsibility, acts as "automatic therapy" for personal traumas, and provides a crucial "will to live".
- Define maturity by responsibility and care for others, not by age. Men who have prior experience with marriage or children often possess greater accountability.
- For women, a truly good mother prioritises her children's well-being, including maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship with an ex-partner, which is a sign of a strong mother, not a red flag.
- Be aware that fatherlessness can lead to women seeking older men for security, blurring the lines between safety and attraction, and for men, it can lead to seeking "broken" women to "save," perpetuating abusive relationship cycles.
- Understand that the "I can fix him/her" mentality is often a form of narcissism and an attempt to compete with childhood traumas, a role a partner is not equipped to fulfill.
- Recognise that reality TV dating shows often promote love as a competitive game, where loyalty is disposable and "winning" can paradoxically lead to loneliness and depression.
Understanding and Navigating Attraction and Jealousy
- Accept that individuals have the right to their dating preferences, including not being attracted to transgender individuals, without being labeled phobic.
- Be aware that highly attractive women often experience a distorted view of men (seeing them as lustful or easily swayed) and other women (seeing them as competitive threats), leading to increased suspicion and distrust in relationships. This "reality distortion field" makes their life experience unique and can lead to insecurity as looks fade.
- For successful women, anticipate challenges as men may feel stressed and invest less in partners who earn more, impacting attraction and relationship stability. Men's love often deepens through their investment in a relationship.
- To deal with jealousy, build a strong identity outside the relationship, reducing reliance on your partner for self-worth. Expressing jealousy to a compatible partner can lead to reassurance.
- Focus on a partner's "rejection rate" (their ability to say no to unwanted advances) rather than just their "body count" as an indicator of selectivity and virtue.
- Understand that "historical jealousy" (retroactive jealousy) is often a manifestation of a deeper fear of abandonment and a way to predict future hurt, even if there's no present-day evidence.
Confronting Infidelity and Choosing Partners Wisely
- Recognise that infidelity is usually a consequence of ignoring clear "red flags" displayed by a partner early on. You are effectively consenting to the behaviour by overlooking these signs.
- Understand that infidelity often stems from a greedy desire for both the comfort of a relationship and the excitement of alternatives, without acknowledging the necessary sacrifices for a healthy marriage.
- If considering reconciliation after infidelity, especially for men, be aware that forgiving a cheating partner can lead to a loss of respect from the partner and self-hatred for not having the "willingness to walk away".
- For married women, reasons for infidelity can include settling for an available partner or a prolonged lack of feeling desired. For men, it's often about chasing an ego boost or a feeling (e.g., being seen, heard, attractive) they are deprived of elsewhere.
- Ultimately, select a partner you can accept as they are, rather than expecting them to change. While you can provide safety, managing your own expectations is key to avoiding disappointment.
The Dangers of AI and Hyper-Comfort
- Be concerned about the rise of AI girlfriends, which set unrealistic emotional standards (e.g., always agreeable, judgment-free) and dehumanize sexual and emotional connection, potentially leading to men being addicted to artificial validation. This mindset is compared to normalizing rape.
- Understand that AI relationships can hinder men's development of masculinity, bravery, and emotional intelligence, and may lead women to become more jaded and retreat from relationships rather than "step up" to compete.
- Recognise that a life of hyper-convenience and comfort, devoid of risk and challenge, ultimately kills joy and prevents deep satisfaction and gratification. Happiness often comes from confronting and solving discomfort.