Impact of Events vs. Stories
Dr. Kennedy emphasises that events themselves are not inherently traumatising; instead, it is the story individuals tell themselves about the event that truly impacts them. Memories are formed by events combined with the stories and interpretations assigned to them, and these can be reshaped through new experiences, reflection, and even therapeutic processes. This perspective is fundamental to understanding how a child's internal narrative is shaped.
Parenting Priority: Safety Over Happiness
A parent's primary role is to keep their children safe, even if this means the children are upset with them. This principle takes precedence over the desire to keep a child happy. Parents are compared to pilots of an aeroplane who must make necessary course changes or emergency landings for safety, regardless of passenger discontent, as their fundamental job is to ensure well-being. This approach requires parents to act as a sturdy leader rather than a peer.
Defining and Setting Boundaries
Dr. Kennedy defines a boundary as something an individual states they will do, which inherently requires no action from the other person. This definition is empowering because the success of the boundary is entirely within the individual's control, rather than being dependent on someone else's compliance. Boundaries are presented not as threats, but as an assertion of one's own needs to maintain a healthy relationship. Examples include a partner deciding to eat dinner if the other is not home by a specific time or a parent using parental controls to automatically turn off a device at a set time.
Communication Mindset: Team versus Adversary
Effective communication, especially during conflict, hinges on one of two mindsets: either viewing the other person as the problem ("me versus you") or viewing the problem as a shared challenge ("me and you against the problem"). It is crucial to adopt the latter mindset before engaging in communication, as an adversarial stance will make any words ineffective because the other person will perceive the underlying hostile intention. This mindset shift applies to interactions with partners, children, and even mundane issues like a child not picking up a towel, by focusing on a collaborative solution.
Understanding and Validating Emotions
When someone, especially a child, is upset (e.g., after not making a team), they are metaphorically "sitting on a feelings bench". Parents often instinctively try to move them to a "sunnier bench" or invalidate their feelings, which inadvertently teaches children to suppress emotions and can make them feel that their emotions are dangerous. Instead, parents should metaphorically sit on the bench next to their child, validating their experience. This can be achieved through three key phrases:
- "I am so glad you're talking to me about this" – This communicates interest and openness, inviting further sharing and connection.
- "I believe you" – This affirms the validity and reality of their feelings, without necessarily agreeing with their interpretation of facts.
- "Tell me more" – This invites them to share more, giving them permission to fully experience and articulate their feelings.
Building Confidence and Resilience
Confidence is defined as self-trust, rather than simply feeling good about oneself or being the best at something. It is about trusting oneself even when one is not at one's best. Resilience and coping skills are developed when children learn that their feelings are tolerable and acceptable, often by observing their parents' ability to tolerate their disappointment without trying to fix it. This process allows children to accept themselves as valuable individuals, even amidst setbacks.
Addressing Shame and Shirking Responsibility
When children shirk responsibility or blame external factors (e.g., for a poor test score), it frequently stems from shame. They equate a negative outcome with being a "bad person," which is an intolerable feeling. The goal in such moments should shift from lecturing to de-shaming the moment. Strategies include expressing empathy, such as "I hate when that happens", or sharing a relatable personal story from one's own childhood, like "Did I tell you about the time...?". These actions help to reconnect with the child and allow them to "unfreeze" from the shame response, making them receptive to learning and taking responsibility later. The aim is to separate the child's inherent "goodness" from the specific behaviour they are struggling with.
Regulating Adult Emotions
Adults often struggle with emotion regulation because they may not have acquired these skills in childhood. A foundational step towards regulation is cultivating curiosity about one's own emotional reactions. A powerful technique for adult emotion regulation is AVP: Acknowledge, Validate, Permit.
- Acknowledge: Identify the emotion (e.g., "Hi annoyance," "I'm feeling tight right now").
- Validate: State that the feeling "makes sense" (e.g., "Whining is pretty annoying, it makes sense that I feel that way"). This accepts the emotion's presence within the body without needing to agree with its cause or demanding immediate action.
- Permit: Give oneself full permission to experience the emotion, often by adding "and I can cope with it".
The Power of Repair in Relationships
Repair is presented as the number one relationship strategy for everyone, including partners, colleagues, and children. Everyone makes mistakes, and repair offers a significant positive impact on relationships. When a child is left alone after a conflict without repair, they may resort to self-doubt or self-blame as coping mechanisms to feel safe, potentially wiring detrimental patterns for adulthood. Repairing an interaction changes the story a child tells themselves about the event, transforming it from a potentially traumatising experience into an opportunity for learning about responsibility and new understanding.
Repairing with Oneself and Others
The first crucial step in repairing is to repair with oneself. This involves separating one's identity from one's behaviour; for example, recognising "I'm a good parent who yelled at my kid". By re-accessing one's "good insideness," an individual can take responsibility without being consumed by shame or self-blame, which is essential for a genuine apology and reflection. A repair with a child or partner typically involves three components:
- Name what happened.
- Take responsibility (e.g., "It's never your fault when I yell").
- State what you would do differently next time.
Managing Screen Time and Behaviour
Parents face significant challenges with children and screens, as children (and adults) are often incapable of self-regulating due to the addictive nature of devices. Parents have the authority to change rules at any time for their child's safety and well-being, like a pilot changing course for passenger safety. When implementing new screen rules, it is important to communicate with a nice, no-nonsense tone, clearly stating the new boundary and its rationale without seeking a child's approval or suggesting they have "bad willpower". Practising the delivery can help parents embody appropriate authority. Conducting a family meeting to brainstorm and agree on screen time rules, with the parent guiding the process in a "me and you against the problem" mindset, can be an effective strategy, potentially even starting with humour.
Also see Toxic Compassion and Performative Empathy.
Avoiding Transactional Parenting and Fostering Independence
Treating relationships with children as transactional, where privileges are granted based on performance (e.g., "you can have screen time if your grades are good"), can be detrimental. This approach can lead children to believe that love is conditional on performance and that fear or rewards are the foundation of relationships, rather than closeness and connection. It is crucial to interact with children based on the same principles as healthy adult relationships. To prevent "prolonged adolescence" and foster independence, parents should let children experience the natural consequences of their actions, rather than constantly stepping in to remember or fix things for them. This "scaffolding of skills" helps build self-reliance and capability.
Parents' Identity and Unlived Dreams
Parents often unconsciously wrap their own identity, unlived dreams, and insecurities into their children's successes or failures. This can lead to living vicariously through children or placing undue pressure on them. Dr. Kennedy highlights that "reproduction is a fantasy"; parenting is about producing a new individual and being "forever cast into a relationship with a stranger," rather than seeing them as an extension of oneself. Self-reflection before and during parenting is essential to address these internal projections.