Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments - Neil Strauss.
The Psychology of the "Trap"
The word "premeditated" is crucial. It implies that by holding an unspoken expectation, you are, consciously or not, setting a trap.
- You write the script: You create a scenario in your mind where a person should act a certain way, say a specific thing, or understand a particular need.
- You don't share the script: The other person is completely unaware of their assigned role and lines.
- They inevitably "fail": Since they cannot read your mind, they will almost certainly fail to meet this secret expectation.
- You feel justified in your resentment: When they fail, you get an internal "I knew it" moment. The resentment feels earned and justified, but it was born from a scenario you engineered. You set them up to fail so you could feel wronged.
Example: You've had a terrible day at work. You expect your partner to notice, ask you about it, and offer you comfort without you saying a word. When they come home and talk about their own day, a seed of resentment is planted: "They are so selfish; they never even think to ask about me." The resentment was premeditated the moment you decided they should know without being told.
Shifting Responsibility and Avoiding Vulnerability
Unspoken expectations are a way to avoid the vulnerability of direct communication.
- Asking is vulnerable: To say, "I need your support today" or "I would love it if you did this for me," opens you up to the possibility of hearing "no." It requires you to admit a need or a want.
- Expecting is safe (in the short term): By simply expecting, you place the entire burden of responsibility on the other person. Their job is to be perceptive, thoughtful, and proactive enough to meet your needs. Your job is simply to judge their performance.
- Resentment as a Shield: The resulting resentment acts as a shield, protecting you from having to look at your own lack of communication and courage. It’s easier to be angry at someone else's "failure" than to be disappointed by a "no" or to acknowledge your own communication shortcomings.
The Corrosion of Relationships
This dynamic is incredibly corrosive to any relationship—romantic, professional, or platonic.
- It creates debt the other person doesn't know they owe: You are mentally keeping a tally of "failures" and "slights" that the other person is completely unaware of. This leads to a build-up of bitterness that can explode over a seemingly minor incident.
- It prevents genuine intimacy: True connection is built on understanding, and understanding is built on communication. Unspoken expectations replace communication with assumption and testing. You are constantly testing the other person instead of connecting with them.
- It fosters a passive-aggressive environment: Instead of direct requests, needs are expressed through sighs, moods, and subtle hints, leaving the other person walking on eggshells, trying to guess what is wrong.
The Antidote: The Practice of Clear Communication
The quote's implicit solution is radical ownership of your own needs and feelings.
- Identify the Expectation: The first step is self-awareness. Ask yourself, "What do I actually want from this person in this situation?" Sometimes, we don't even clearly articulate our expectations to ourselves.
- Communicate the Expectation: Transform the expectation into a request.
Instead of: "I expect my boss to notice my hard work and give me a raise."Try: "I would like to discuss my performance and career progression, as I believe my contributions have created significant value."
- Release the Outcome: A request is not a demand. The other person has the right to say no, negotiate, or offer an alternative. By communicating clearly, you open a dialogue rather than setting a test. Even if the answer is not what you wanted, the clarity prevents the toxic build-up of resentment. You can then make a decision based on honest information, not on a perceived slight.
In essence, Neil Strauss's quote is a call for emotional maturity. It teaches us that resentment is often not something that happens to us, but something we actively, if unconsciously, create for ourselves. The path to healthier relationships and less personal bitterness is paved with the courage of clear, honest, and vulnerable communication.