For this episode, I’m doing something a bit different. I’m featuring five chapters from Terry Real's audiobook Fierce Intimacy. What you will hear in this episode will help you identify your and your partner’s losing strategies in relationships and help you move from disharmony to repair. Terry is the creator of Relational Life Therapy, or RLT, which underpins all his books, courses, and teachings and equips people with the powerful relational skills they need to make love work.
The Five Losing Strategies: Recognising the Pitfalls
According to Real, couples often unconsciously adopt these five detrimental approaches during disagreements:
1. Being Right: This strategy involves a relentless need to prove your own perspective as the objective truth, effectively turning a discussion into a courtroom drama where one partner must be vindicated and the other proven wrong.
Key Learning: The pursuit of being "right" is a hollow victory in a relationship. It prioritizes individual ego over the well-being of the partnership. In intimate connections, subjective experiences matter more than objective facts.
Action Point: Shift your focus from "who's right" to "what can we do to solve this together?" Practice active listening to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Acknowledge the validity of their feelings.
2. Controlling Your Partner: This involves attempts, whether overt or covert, to manage your partner's behaviour, thoughts, or feelings. This can manifest as demands, manipulation, or constant criticism.
Key Learning: Control is an illusion that breeds resentment and resistance. Genuine intimacy cannot flourish in an environment of coercion. Each partner must be afforded their autonomy and respected as an individual.
Action Point: Let go of the need to change your partner. Instead, focus on expressing your own needs and desires clearly and respectfully. Frame your requests in a way that invites cooperation rather than demanding compliance.
3. Unbridled Self-Expression: This is the unfiltered venting of emotions and complaints without regard for the impact on your partner. It's often disguised as "being honest," but it typically overwhelms and alienates the other person.
Key Learning: While expressing your feelings is important, doing so without restraint can be damaging. "Dumping" your emotions on your partner is not a constructive form of communication.
Action Point: Practice responsible self-expression. Before speaking, take a moment to consider the potential impact of your words. Aim to communicate your feelings in a way that is both honest and respectful. Use "I" statements to own your emotions without blaming your partner.
4. Retaliation: This is the instinct to punish your partner for perceived wrongs. It's a "tit-for-tat" mentality where you feel justified in hurting your partner because you feel hurt.
Key Learning: Retaliation escalates conflict and creates a toxic cycle of resentment. It moves the focus away from resolution and toward inflicting pain, further eroding the foundation of trust.
Action Point: When you feel hurt, resist the urge to strike back. Instead, try to communicate the pain you are feeling and what you need from your partner to feel better. Focus on repair rather than revenge.
5. Withdrawal: This can range from giving the silent treatment to emotionally disengaging from the relationship. It's a way of protecting yourself from conflict but also prevents any possibility of resolution.
Key Learning: Withdrawal creates distance and emotional starvation. While taking a time-out during a heated argument can be healthy, chronic withdrawal shuts down communication and fosters a sense of abandonment.
Action Point: If you need space, communicate that to your partner with a promise to return to the conversation. For example, say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and need to take a break. Can we talk about this in an hour?" This shows respect for both your own needs and the relationship.
The Path to "Fierce Intimacy": Embracing the Winning Strategies
Terry Real doesn't just diagnose the problems; he offers a powerful set of "Winning Strategies" that serve as the antidote to these destructive patterns:
Shift from Complaint to Request: Instead of criticising what your partner is doing wrong, learn to ask for what you want in a positive and specific way.
Speak to Repair with Love and Respect: The goal of communication should be to mend and strengthen the connection, not to win an argument. Approach difficult conversations with an underlying sense of love and a commitment to understanding.
Listen with Compassion: Make a genuine effort to understand your partner's experience from their point of view, without judgment or the need to immediately defend yourself.
Empower Each Other: Support your partner's growth and well-being. Celebrate their successes and be a source of encouragement.
Cherish Each Other: Actively appreciate and nurture the good in your partner and the relationship. Express gratitude and affection regularly.