Understanding and Identifying Gaslighting
The YouTube video "8 Clear Signs Someone Is Gaslighting You (with examples)" from the channel "Charisma on Command" explains gaslighting as a dangerous form of emotional abuse where an individual manipulates another into doubting their own reality. This manipulation allows the abuser to get away with behaviour that would typically be unacceptable in a relationship. It is crucial to remember that gaslighting is a **pattern of behaviour**, and observing these signs repeatedly, rather than just once, is a key indicator.
Eight Signs Someone Is Gaslighting You
- Attacking Your Sanity: The most obvious sign is when someone directly attacks your mental state. They might use phrases like "you're being paranoid," "you're making this all up," or "this is all in your head". This is often used to avoid admitting wrongdoing.
- Rewriting the Past: Gaslighters frequently deny what they said or claim you are misremembering events. Examples include phrases like "I never said that" or "you're misremembering". This tactic is effective because it's difficult to have complete conviction in your memory days after a conversation. If you find yourself constantly doubting your memories or feeling the need to take notes to keep track, you might be a victim of this behaviour.
- Minimising Bad Behaviour: This sign has two forms:
- Using inaccurate or vague language: Gaslighters might use understated terms to diminish the severity of their actions, such as calling an affair an "entanglement". If you feel someone is trying to lessen your emotional reaction, it's important to **call it out and clearly state what happened**.
- Normalising bad behaviour: They may claim that "everyone goes through these situations" or "all relationships have their ups and downs" to justify their actions. While all relationships have challenges, this does not excuse all bad behaviour. The video advises getting specific if someone uses vague statements to justify harmful actions.
- Empathy Hijacking: This occurs when a gaslighter justifies hurtful or selfish actions by saying they needed to do it "in order to heal". They hope that an empathetic person will accept this as a justification. However, being unhappy does not give someone a free pass to treat you poorly.
- Deflecting Blame onto You: Gaslighters regularly shift responsibility for their actions onto the victim. They might use language that an honest person would use if they were wrongly accused, making it confusing. A key indicator is a **pattern of always finding a way to blame you** for anything that goes wrong, leading you to feel like you're "walking on eggshells". To protect yourself, maintain conviction in your reality and state your version of events out loud.
- Projection: This involves the gaslighter accusing you of having the negative qualities or intentions that they themselves possess. For instance, they might accuse you of trying to break up with them when that is their own intention, or tell you "you gaslight me". Their goal is to put you on the defensive and divert attention from their own manipulative behaviour, weakening your self-faith.
- Making Your Emotional Reaction the Problem: The gaslighter may tell you "I really think you're overreacting" when you express discomfort about something they've done. This is particularly effective because it's exactly what an honest person might say if you were truly overreacting. A red flag is if this feedback only comes from this one person, especially when you are pointing out their wrongdoing, and not from people you trust.
Impact and Action Plan for Gaslighting
The cumulative impact of these gaslighting behaviours is that you will regularly feel confused, second-guess your own feelings, and start to believe there is something wrong with you, making it difficult to trust your own understanding of reality. If you suspect you are in a relationship with a gaslighter, the video outlines a four-step action plan:
- Speak Up and Share Your Perspective Calmly: Communicate how you feel they are not respecting your view of reality. If the person truly listens, acknowledges your feelings, and permanently changes their behaviour, it's possible their actions weren't purposeful manipulation.
- Calmly Take Space and Get Other People's Perspectives: If the person tries to shut down the conversation or your feelings, step away and seek input from trusted friends, family, or professional help. Abusers often try to isolate their victims, so outside perspectives are crucial for confirming gaslighting.
- Consider Ending or Minimising the Relationship:
- If the gaslighter is a friend or a significant other with whom you don't share children, the best path towards healing is often to **cut ties completely**.
- If it's a family member or co-parent, completely cutting ties may not be possible, but you can still work to **create space and minimise the relationship**.
- Focus on Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem and Self-Love: Recognise that falling for the tricks of an emotionally abusive person is not a flaw; abuse can happen to anyone. The courage lies in recognising it. Begin to heal by prioritising your health (eating well, sleeping, exercising), re-engaging in enjoyable activities, spending time with supportive people, and seeking help from helplines, therapists, or abuse recovery organisations. This process of rebuilding will lead to a better life filled with genuine love, respect, and happiness.