Arguing with Your Wife and Raising Your Sons - Nick Freitas
Three Rules for Effective Arguments in Marriage
Rule 1: Remember Who You Are Talking To
Talk to the person you love: It's crucial to remember that you are speaking to the person you love the most in the world.
Mind your language: Avoid using "colorful" or hurtful language that aims to "win" by slamming the other person, as this is not conducive to a blissful marriage.
Tone and body language matter: Nonverbal communication, including tone and body language, is highly significant. Rolling your eyes, for example, can be highly disrespectful and provoke a negative reaction.
Don't weaponise insecurities: You likely understand your spouse's insecurities better than anyone. Using these vulnerabilities against them is a form of betrayal, as it tells them not to be open or vulnerable with you in the future, leading to emotional hardening. For women, belittling your husband or making him feel weak will cause him to close off a vital part of himself. The husband is meant to be a source of safety, and using insecurities as a weapon compromises this.
Rule 2: Emotions Matter, But Don't Trump Facts or Reality
Objective truth exists: The speaker and his wife agreed before marriage that objective truth exists, which helps when arguing because feelings, while valid, do not override logic, reason, facts, or empirical evidence. This perspective is reinforced by their faith.
Listen to understand, not just respond: To truly understand the argument and the perspective behind it, you must listen with the intent to comprehend, not just to formulate your response. Interrupting hinders this understanding.
Agree when the other person makes a logical case: If an argument addresses all concerns and is logical, the only reasonable response is to agree.
Delivery of facts matters: While facts beat feelings in a "head-to-head matchup," the way you deliver those facts is critical for them to be properly received. Telling someone they are "not in a state to have a rational conversation" is an example of poor delivery.
Apply equally: For this rule to work, both partners must be willing to genuinely appreciate when the other person has made their case and be prepared to say, "you were right and I was wrong". This is not about giving up but about acknowledging truth.
Rule 3: Both of You Need to Win
Winning means mutual benefit: An argument truly makes sense if both parties win. This does not mean placating your wife or making illogical compromises.
Explain your position: If your position is correct, you owe it to your spouse to do the difficult work of explaining it clearly. If she is correct, you must do the difficult work of admitting you were wrong.
Focus on significance: Not all disagreements are important, but for significant arguments, the only real way to win is for both to do so.
You are on the same side: A marriage is not a competition where you are trained to defeat your spouse. Instead, it's about being on the same page, facing the world together. The goal of an argument should be to convince both parties of a course of action that will make the marriage successful.
Aim for what's best for "us": When passionate about a decision, the goal is to demonstrate why your approach is best not just for you, but "for us". Valuing your spouse's insight and discernment is key because they also want the best for you.
General Advice for a Successful Marriage
Dedication over luck: The speaker explicitly states that a successful marriage is not dependent on luck, nor does it "just work out that way for everyone". It requires dedication and established principles that both partners agree to follow, even when it's difficult. While execution may not always be perfect, sticking to these principles is crucial.
Empowering communication: Learning to communicate effectively unlocks a "cheat code" that positively impacts every aspect of marriage. It creates an incredibly empowering feeling for both partners to realise they can face anything together because they are truly on the same side.
The Distinct Journey of Raising Sons
The Cub Stage: Observing Manhood
First lesson in manhood: A son's earliest understanding of what it means to be a man comes from observing how his father treats his mother.
Setting the standard: By properly loving, honouring, respecting, protecting, and providing for his wife, a father establishes a crucial standard for his son's own expectations and sense of responsibility in life. Sons are highly perceptive and pick up on these cues from a very young age.
Early bond: The video highlights the strong, special bond between a son and his mother, particularly vital during periods of a father's absence, such as military deployment.
The Transition to Boyhood: Orchestrating Challenges
The "Agoge" moment: The speaker describes a pivotal moment where his son, Luke, around the age of five, shifted from being "mom's little boy" to his father's responsibility, akin to the Spartan "agoge" where young boys began warrior training. This marks a period where a son's actions and world begin to expand beyond his immediate family.
Adolescence as confusion: This stage is characterized by a son being caught between boyhood and manhood.
Purposeful challenges: Fathers must actively orchestrate challenges for their sons that are designed to test them physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. These challenges are vital to prevent a son from remaining a boy.
Distinguishing right from wrong: Through these challenges, sons learn the importance of getting back up after failure, distinguishing between objectives, and discerning right from wrong, and justice from injustice. They also develop a willingness to sacrifice for noble causes.
The pain of failure: Fathers must carefully judge when to intervene and when to allow their sons to experience the pain and frustration of failure, as this is crucial for growth.
Example of moral courage: The speaker shares an anecdote where his son stood up to his friends for doing something wrong, enduring ridicule and ostracism. The father expressed deep pride in his son's ability to stand his ground, especially against friends, which is often harder than confronting bullies.
Lessons by example: It's emphasized that sons observe their fathers' actions as closely as their words, and lessons taught by example resonate far longer than those conveyed solely through instruction.
The Young Man Stage: Earning Respect and Shared Burden
Guidance beyond provision: While providing, protecting, and establishing order are important, a father's role is incomplete without active instruction and guidance. Sons seek this guidance from a very young age, and if they don't receive it from their father, they will find it elsewhere.
The shift from love to respect: By the time a son reaches young adulthood, he should know he is loved, but his primary desire shifts to earning his father's respect.
Shared responsibility: At this point, the burden is shared: the father's duty is to show the pathway to respect, but it is solely the son's responsibility to earn it.
Preparing for reality: Fathers are preparing their sons for the world as it truly is, not as they might wish it to be.
The ultimate test: If a father has done his job well, then in moments of significant testing, his son will not only perform well but also avoid letting himself down, largely because he won't want to disappoint his father.
Father's hardest truth: The most challenging aspect for a father is knowing that he is merely preparing his son for a test that is distant, beyond his sight, control, or intervention.
Legacy and Overcoming Absence
A profound legacy: The raising of boys into young men is presented not just as a responsibility, but as a deep-seated legacy. For those blessed with present fathers and grandfathers, it's a legacy to preserve. For those who lacked such figures, it's a legacy to initiate.
Noble task of beginning a legacy: The video highlights the profound nobility of a man who, despite the absence of his own father, ensures his son does not experience the same loss.
Motivation for the future: The speaker finds motivation in envisioning a future moment, sitting as a grandfather alongside his son and grandson, sharing stories of triumphs and challenges, thus inspiring him to do his part in preparing them for that future.