A “drop-dead shocker” (Washington Post Book World) that uses evolutionary psychology to explain human mating and the mysteries of love If we all want love, why is there so much conflict in our most cherished relationships? To answer this question, we must look into our evolutionary past, argues prominent psychologist David M. Buss. Based one of the largest studies of human mating ever undertaken, encompassing more than 10,000 people of all ages from thirty-seven cultures worldwide, The Evolution of Desire is the first work to present a unified theory of human mating behavior. Drawing on a wide range of examples of mating behavior — from lovebugs to elephant seals, from the Yanomamö tribe of Venezuela to online dating apps — Buss reveals what women want, what men want, and why their desires radically differ. Love has a central place in human sexual psychology, but conflict, competition, and manipulation also pervade human mating — something we must confront in order to control our own mating destiny.
Mating Strategies are Evolved Psychological Mechanisms
At its core, the book argues that human mating is not a random or purely culturally determined process. Instead, it is guided by a set of evolved psychological mechanisms that have been shaped by natural and sexual selection over millions of years. These "strategies" are the solutions our ancestors devised to the recurring problems of reproduction, such as selecting a fertile and healthy mate, ensuring parental investment, and fending off rivals.
Universal Mating Preferences
Despite cultural variations, Buss's research uncovered remarkable cross-cultural consistency in what men and women desire in a long-term partner, suggesting a universal human nature when it comes to mating.
What Women Want: Across the globe, women place a higher premium on a man's financial prospects, social status, ambition, and industriousness. This preference is linked to the significant investment women make in pregnancy and child-rearing. A partner with resources and status could provide for and protect her and her offspring, increasing their chances of survival and reproductive success.
What Men Want: Men, on the other hand, consistently prioritise youth and physical attractiveness in a long-term mate. From an evolutionary perspective, these traits are reliable cues to a woman's fertility and reproductive value. Features such as clear skin, full lips, and a low waist-to-hip ratio are all associated with youth and health.
The Nuances of Short-Term Mating
While the book extensively covers the dynamics of long-term committed relationships, it also delves into the complexities of short-term mating. The desires and strategies employed in casual relationships often differ significantly from those in long-term partnerships.
For short-term liaisons, both sexes tend to lower their standards, but the underlying evolutionary logic remains. Men's desire for sexual variety is a key driver of short-term mating, as it increases their reproductive opportunities with minimal investment. Women, while generally more selective, may engage in short-term relationships for various reasons, including assessing a man's potential as a long-term partner, securing immediate resources, or "mate switching" to a more desirable partner.
The Pervasiveness of Sexual Conflict
Conflict between the sexes is not an anomaly but an expected and central part of human mating. This conflict arises from the fundamental differences in male and female reproductive strategies. What may be advantageous for one sex can be costly for the other, leading to a co-evolutionary "arms race" of strategies and counter-strategies.
Key areas of conflict include:
- Jealousy: Buss's research reveals that men and women experience jealousy differently. Men are more distressed by sexual infidelity, as it raises the spectre of paternity uncertainty. Women, conversely, are more troubled by emotional infidelity, as it threatens the loss of their partner's resources and commitment.
- Mate Guarding: Both sexes engage in behaviours designed to retain their partners and deter rivals. These "mate guarding" tactics can range from vigilance and monopolising a partner's time to more manipulative and coercive behaviours.
- Deception: Deception is a common tactic in the mating game. Men may exaggerate their resources and commitment, while women may enhance their physical appearance to appear younger and more fertile.
The Realities of Attraction and Competition
The book underscores that attraction is not arbitrary but is governed by a set of evolved standards. These standards are not merely "skin deep" but are linked to underlying indicators of health, fertility, and genetic quality.
Competition for desirable mates is a fundamental aspect of human social life. This competition can be direct, in the form of confronting rivals, or indirect, through self-promotion and derogation of competitors. The strategies we use to attract and retain mates are often subtle and unconscious, yet they play a powerful role in shaping our relationships.