Are we our own worst enemies when it comes to romance? What if instead, we dated like a scientist, using equations and analysis, rather than feelings and attraction to find love. In this new episode Steven sits down with dating coach and behavioural scientist, Logan Ury. Logan is a behavioural expert, dating coach and Director of Relationship Science at the dating app, Hinge. She is also the author of the book, ‘How To Not Die Alone’, which outlines the scientific theories she uses with her clients to help them find love.
Rethink Your Approach to Finding Love
- Understand that you may think you know what you want, but you're often wrong. Many people struggle with modern dating because it's a relatively new phenomenon, and we aren't born knowing how to date.
- Challenge the idea of "the spark" (initial chemistry and fireworks) as it often leads to relationships that burn out. Instead, seek a "slow burn" with someone who will make a great long-term partner.
- Recognise that if you are single and don't want to be, you are likely choosing a set of problems through your patterns and blind spots. Your goal should be to get out of your own way and develop new habits.
- Avoid "dating for entertainment," such as seeking funny "horror stories," and instead focus on dating for genuine connection.
Understand and Address Your Attachment Style
- Familiarise yourself with attachment theory (anxious, avoidant, and secure styles) to understand your past patterns and attractions. What happens in childhood often shows up in adult romantic relationships.
- If you have an anxious attachment style (fear abandonment, constantly seek closeness), learn to distract yourself, challenge negative assumptions with "disconfirming evidence," and avoid "protest behaviours" (e.g., excessive texting, shutting down).
- If you have an avoidant attachment style (fear smothering, push people away), practise being clear about your needs, consciously focus on a person's positive qualities (overriding negativity bias), and become more comfortable relying on others.
- Aim to become more securely attached yourself or, more easily, seek a secure partner. Secure partners are the "heroes of the relationship world" who can balance intimacy and independence; they are consistent, don't play games, and are clear about their interest, even if they might initially seem "boring."
- Be aware of the "anxious-avoidant loop," where anxious people chase and avoidant people pull back, perpetuating a painful cycle. Breaking this loop requires intentional choices and self-regulation.
- Avoid falling into the trap of the "partial reward schedule" (like "fuckboys" who are hot and cold), which is highly addictive but not conducive to long-term success. Secure partners offer continuous, consistent attention.
Optimise Your Dating Process
- Apply the "Secretary Problem" or optimal stopping theory to dating: After dating through approximately 37% of your potential dating years (e.g., by age 26 if dating from 18-40), identify your "benchmark" person and then choose the next person who is better than that benchmark. This helps maximizers avoid endless searching for a non-existent "perfect" partner.
- Identify your "dating tendency" (romantic, maximizer, or hesitater) to recognise unrealistic expectations you might have of relationships, partners, or yourself. The only way to get better at dating is by dating.
- Shift from "relation shopping" (evaluating partners based on superficial checklists) to "relation shipping" (investing in building a long-term relationship).
- Understand that looks and money matter less for long-term happiness than people think, due to human adaptation. Similarly, don't over-optimise for identical personalities or hobbies; complementary traits can be more beneficial.
- Prioritise qualities that truly matter for long-term success, such as kindness, loyalty, emotional stability, the ability to make hard decisions together, and the skill to fight well. Focus on what side of you a person brings out.
- Use the "Post-Date 8" (eight questions to ask yourself after a date, found in Logan Ury's book) to shift from an evaluative mindset to an experiential one. This trains your brain to pay attention to how you feel around someone and what you're creating together, rather than just their "on paper" qualities.
- What side of me did they bring out? This question encourages you to reflect on your own behavior and personality during the date. Did you feel witty, relaxed, adventurous, or perhaps a version of yourself you didn't particularly enjoy?
- How did I feel in my body? Our bodies often provide subtle clues about our emotional state. This question prompts you to consider whether you felt tense, relaxed, anxious, or at ease in your date's presence.
- Did I feel energized or drained? A successful date should ideally leave you feeling more energized and optimistic. This question helps you assess the overall energy exchange between you and your date.
- Is there something about them I'm curious to learn more about? Genuine curiosity is a strong indicator of interest and a potential for a deeper connection. This question helps you gauge your level of intrigue.
- Did they make me laugh? Shared humor can be a significant component of compatibility. Reflecting on whether you laughed and enjoyed lighthearted moments can reveal a lot about the dynamic.
- How did I feel about the conversation? This question prompts a broader assessment of the dialogue. Did it flow naturally? Did you feel heard and understood? Was it stimulating and engaging?
- What did I learn about them? Beyond the surface-level details, this question encourages you to consider what you genuinely discovered about the other person's character, values, or passions.
- Do I want to see them again? Ultimately, the previous seven questions are designed to lead you to this crucial final assessment. By thoughtfully considering the various aspects of the date, you can make a more informed decision about whether to pursue another meeting.
- Date like a scientist: Formulate hypotheses, test different approaches, and be open to being proven wrong (e.g., trying different date types or expanding your dating app filters).
Enhance Your Dating Environment and Mindset
- The dating environment is crucial: Choose settings that foster flirtation, romance, and playfulness (e.g., a wine bar, an activity like ping pong) over formal, interview-style coffee dates. Sitting side-by-side can ease communication.
- Consider sober dating, which is increasingly normalised. It allows you to meet the real person and avoids next-day anxiety.
- Your mindset significantly impacts your dates. Take time before a date to shift from "boss mode" to a more relaxed and playful state. Challenge negative expectations to avoid self-fulfilling prophecies.
- Practise good "digital body language" and phone hygiene. Put your phone away (out of sight) during dates, as its presence (even if unused) can make conversations shallower. Avoid checking other screens like smartwatches during dates.
- Skip the small talk and aim for deeper connection. People are drawn to emotional vulnerability, so share stories and feelings rather than just facts.
Cultivate Vulnerability and Intentionality
- Be willing to show your "cracks" and "baggage." A perfect exterior can be a repellent; authenticity and vulnerability create a safe space and foster deeper connection.
- Understand that vulnerability, while feeling risky, is often a magnet for connection rather than a repellent. Sharing your struggles allows others to relate and feel closer to you.
- Share first to create space for others to be vulnerable. For example, explicitly state what you're looking for in a relationship rather than expecting someone to guess.
- When navigating relationship milestones (moving in, engagement), use a "decide, don't slide" approach. Have intentional, explicit conversations about what each milestone means to you and your partner, rather than just slipping into them.
- Realise that relationships involve choosing a set of problems; there is no partner with whom you will have no issues. The goal is to find someone whose problems you can deal with and with whom you can fight well.
Maximise Your Dating App Profile
- Your dating app profile should tell a story and show different sides of yourself.
- Include a clear headshot (no filters, sunglasses, or distractions) as your primary photo.
- Feature photos of you engaged in activities you love, with friends and family (to show your social life), and a full-body picture.
- Avoid "Where's Waldo" photos where it's hard to tell who you are, or photos that could imply a romantic interest with someone else.
- Ensure variety in your photos; don't just show one side of yourself (e.g., all party photos with alcohol).
- Avoid selfies, gym selfies, and smoking selfies.
- Be specific in your prompts, as "the specific is universal" and can lead to more genuine connections. For example, "I don't know how to ride a bike" or "I want to debate with you how bad it is to parallel park in Boston."
- When responding to prompts, aim for a mixture of humour and vulnerability. Avoid one-word answers, grammatical errors, and being "one flavor" (e.g., all dad jokes).