Becoming Bulletproof - The Diary of a CEO with Evy Poumpouras

Evy Poumpouras is a former Special Agent with the U.S. Secret Service. She is the author of the bestselling book, ‘Becoming Bulletproof: Protect Yourself, Read People, Influence Situations, Live Fearlessly’ and co-host of Bravo’s TV competition series ‘Spy Games’.

The Foundation of Mental Fortitude and Personal Responsibility

• Building a strong mental foundation is crucial because without it, when adversity strikes, the "house falls over".
• A major hindrance to mental strength is the idea that "I'm special"—believing that your problems, pain, and trauma are unique and that nobody else knows what you are going through. Realizing you are not that special and you are not alone is key to getting through anything.
• Taking absolute personal responsibility is essential for success and empowerment. When people downplay their involvement, choices, and role in their life, they become essentially powerless and blame the world.
• Self-sabotage is common; the core struggle people face is always "themselves", not solely the external world.
• Embracing Kinesis (Movement): Do not stay still when stuck, fearful, or confused. Always create momentum and movement, even if you don't know the exact direction, as movement generates information and progress.
• Fearlessness vs. Being Fearful: You cannot be truly fearless. Instead, strive to live fearlessly, meaning you acknowledge fear but still try and do your best to live in it and embrace it. It is okay to be afraid and uncertain during the process.
• Emotional Self-Regulation: Being easily offended means you are easily manipulated. If you are reactive, you will sink your ship completely. When ruled by emotion, you make bad choices. In moments of intense emotion, make no decisions; avoid texting or calling, and remove yourself to go quiet and find stillness.
• Mastering Uncertainty: Resilient people do not have all the answers and do not need them to be okay. Embrace uncertainty; you don't need to figure out every problem right away. Just choose something and move through it.
• Addiction to Reliving Pain: Reliving traumatic moments or regrets (e.g., "I should have done this") activates the same part of the brain as cocaine, making the process addictive. Don't bathe in your problems; feel them to a point, but focus on moving forward (Kinesis) instead of endlessly analyzing why things happened.

The Profound Impact of Environment and Association

• The environment and the people surrounding you—especially your companion or intimate partner—are huge factors that will either raise you up or sink your ship. Your probability of encountering negative consequences (e.g., becoming a victim or facing disciplinary action at work) radically increases simply by associating with "bad actors".
• If you are locked in a place of victimhood, it is often because the system you have around you keeps you there. You must look at your environment and ask who is keeping you suppressed.
• Listening to Outsiders: If people around you who legitimately care and love you are telling you a partner is not a good fit, please listen, because they are seeing something you might not be seeing due to your emotional connection.
• Choosing Relationships: The choice of a companion is the biggest investment, as you are "overly exposed to that person" and must ensure they are not contaminating your life. The long-term relationship you choose is truly the "crux of how well you're going to do in life".
• Intuition ("Vibes"): For relationship choices and large life decisions, your intuition and instinct—your "Vibes"—are often the best indicator. Listen to what you feel and don't dismiss it, even if you can't articulate why you feel that way. Almost always, if you look back, you knew better.
• Cultivating Trust in Self: To cultivate a better relationship with your intuition, stop asking everybody what they think. When making big decisions, go quiet and let the answer come from within; too many external voices will confuse you and prevent you from hearing your own voice. Start small by making simple, everyday decisions without seeking approval.

Managing Conflict and Disrespect Strategically

• Pick Your Battles Strategically: You cannot fight everybody, especially every "buffoon" that crosses your path. Fighting everything wastes time and energy and leaves you stagnant.
• Dealing with Disrespect: When dealing with subtle disrespect (especially from colleagues or people outside your intimate circle), assess if the person is "worth your time and energy".
• Confronting Strategically: If you must confront disrespect, do so strategically, choosing a specific moment with tangible facts, not ambiguous feelings. Avoid "I feel like you treat me this way" and use precise details: "Out in the hallway, you said X, Y, and Z...".
• Preserving Dignity: A highly effective, composed way to address a disrespectful peer or supervisor is to preserve their dignity by having the discussion privately (e.g., in a stairwell), demonstrating self-respect and superior conduct. This can prevent an emotional shoot-back and maintain professional relationships.
• The Bully Dynamic: Bullies are often weak, not powerful, and they prey on people weaker than themselves to make themselves feel stronger. Once a bully realizes you will call them out directly, they often stop and move on to an easier target.
• Letting Go of Resentment: You don't need to fight or stand your ground if the situation is detrimental to your well-being or the team's safety (e.g., dealing with a toxic work culture). Walking away is sometimes the smart choice; you can't change a mindset or culture.
• Managing Partner Conflict: Because an intimate partner is so crucial, you might argue issues to maintain the relationship's integrity, but you must strive not to be belligerent and let many smaller things go.

Communication, Cues, and Avoiding Victimization

• Communication Cues: Your body language, posture, and voice all signal your worth and competence. Slouching, making yourself small, or hiding your hands makes you look insecure and signals low value.
• Avoiding Prey Status: Criminals and predators select victims who walk with a sloppy, non-deliberate gait, or those who appear timid and small. To avoid being prey, walk with deliberate purpose, own your space, and project control over your body.
• Power of Voice: When speaking, slowing down your speech, bringing down your tone and pitch to your true voice, and being grounded conveys that you deserve to be heard and that your message is relevant. Talking quickly tells people, "Don't listen to me; what I'm about to say isn't relevant".
• Truth Detection: Look at what people do, not what they tell you. When someone who normally uses hand gestures (illustrators) suddenly stops gesturing during a specific part of a story, this is a deviation that can signal deception. Lying is a heavy cognitive load, which causes the body to go still.

The Role of Identity, Goals, and Self-Reflection

• Identity vs. Instrumental Mindset: People operate in two mindsets:
  • Identity: Emotional, self-focused, and stuck ("I can't believe this is happening to me"). This mindset is correlated with higher anxiety and depression because of over-analysis and self-focus.
  • Instrumental: Task-oriented, non-emotional, and focused on movement ("I'm going to do this, then this, then this"). Secret Service training emphasizes immediate, instrumental action to prevent people from dying.
• Self-Serving Narratives: Everyone "sells it to themself" why they did what they did, often justifying their actions. We downplay our faults and uplift our positive attributes.
• The Victim Trap: Victimhood can become a habit and a pattern of behavior. In some cases, being a victim is serving a subconscious goal, such as gaining attention or sympathy, which can become addictive and self-destructive. Leaving the victim mindset requires self-interruption (e.g., saying "stop it" or "cancel, cancel") and taking ownership.
• Actions Over Words: Do not listen to excuses or "I am sorries"; look at what people do. Judge people by their actions, not their intentions or excuses.
• Perfection and Self-Acceptance: You don't have to be perfect. Be okay with making mistakes and incorrect decisions, as this is how you build confidence. Be kind to yourself and avoid constantly tearing yourself down.

The Animal Wheel of Communication

• The Animal Wheel (developed by Dr. Lawrence and Emily Allison) is a framework to identify and adapt to behavioral styles, improving communication and influence.
• Behavior is labeled, not people, because people are fluid and change.
• The four archetypes are:
  • Lion: In charge, setting the agenda, guiding and leading (Good Lion). Bad Lion is dogmatic and demanding.
  • Mouse: Patient, listening, humble, and seeking guidance (Good Mouse). Bad Mouse is weak, submissive, and avoidant. Mouse is often the most valuable, as they gather information.
  • Monkey: Social, warm, and talkative (Good Monkey). Bad Monkey is pleading, desperate, and trying to sell something.
  • T-Rex: Direct, frank, and forthright (Good T-Rex). Bad T-Rex is attacking, punitive, sarcastic, or gossiping.
• Adaptation is Key: To have a successful conversation, you must identify the person's animal style and adapt your behavior. The only time you must swap is Lion and Mouse, as two people cannot be in charge.
• Handling Aggression: When dealing with T-Rex (aggression or attack), respond with Good T-Rex (frank, direct language). When dealing with a person in an aggressive Lion/T-Rex state, you must allow them to finish their venting; interrupting them will escalate the conflict.

Professionalism and Career Strategies

• The Value of Uncomplaining Execution: Dr. Pomus earned a highly competitive polygraph examiner position (a job requiring high competence) primarily because she handled an unrelated, low-status task (interior design) without bitching or complaining and executed it well. This signaled trustworthiness and dedication.
• Long-Term Service over Short-Term Gains: The long game involves serving other people and adding value to the world, rather than focusing on short-term manipulation or getting everyone to like you. Trying to manipulate people to like you is disingenuous and often a major red flag for narcissistic personality disorder.
• Self-Control in the Uniform: In high-stress, authority roles (like law enforcement), self-control is paramount. You are there to be a peacekeeper, not to fight or be baited into conflict, even if people disrespect you. The ability to control your mouth and behavior is mandatory.
• Negotiating a Raise: Approach a raise negotiation as a Lion mindset, and come prepared with facts and data (e.g., money generated, deals closed), not feelings, beliefs, or opinions. If rejected, you must be prepared to respond with Good T-Rex (frankly stating the consequences, e.g., "I don't know if I can continue to stay here").

Additional content

Chapters

00:00:00 Intro
00:02:02 What Is Evy Doing for People?
00:03:31 What Do People Come to Evy For?
00:03:54 People Sabotage Themselves
00:05:26 Lie Detecting
00:06:50 How Do We Start to Become Mentally Strong?
00:09:20 The People You Associate With Can Impact You
00:12:23 Observe Your Opponent, Don't Listen to Them
00:16:11 How Does Steven Pick People?
00:22:00 Living Fearlessly
00:24:18 Making Decisions Will Increase Your Confidence
00:28:30 How to Stop Others From Controlling Your Life
00:34:45 Making Decisions
00:36:50 How to Make Progress in Your Life or Career
00:40:00 Reliving Your Pains Makes You Feel High
00:43:13 Sexism in the Secret Service
00:51:54 How to Make Rational Decisions
00:56:57 What to Do When People Are Not Treating You Well
01:01:49 Being Bullied in a Work Environment
01:08:03 What I Learned About Bullies as a Secret Agent
01:12:48 How to Stop Being Prey for a Predator
01:20:33 Can Someone's Life Be Determined by the Way They Speak?
01:22:23 Ads
01:23:22 The Importance of Gesticulating With Your Hands
01:27:57 Can You Fake Your Body Language?
01:36:17 What's Step 1 to Becoming That Person When I'm Not?
01:42:04 Do You Have to Go Through Difficult Times to Learn?
01:47:00 The Hack of Knowing You're Not Special or the Only One
02:00:47 Ads
02:02:51 People Don't Want to Be Victims Anymore
02:07:41 Should We Make People Like Us?
02:09:32 The Importance of Being Authentic
02:11:39 Why Rejection Is the Way to Resilience
02:14:08 The Four Communication Styles
02:25:20 Emotion in the Police Workforce
02:27:29 Switching Styles During Interviews
02:35:02 What Do You Want Your Legacy To Be