The Problem with Apologies
Public apologies are often perceived as insincere and forced, made under pressure to protect one's career, income, and social status. These apologies frequently do not lead to genuine feelings of improvement or significant change, and are often criticised as "phony Hollywood apology videos". The video highlights instances where public figures like Will Smith, Logan Paul, Kanye West, and Kevin Spacey made apologies under pressure, only to later contradict or disown them once the pressure subsided.
This issue extends beyond public figures into private life, where "fake apologies" are given and received, leading to no growth, empathy, or repair, effectively making them as useless as no apology at all.
Shame as the Core Issue
According to Joe Hudson, the fundamental problem with most ineffective apologies is shame. He explains that children are often taught to apologize by being told to do so, which makes it a transfer of shame, akin to a "shame hot potato".
The video uses the Will Smith slapping incident as a detailed example of this "shame hot potato" cycle:
- Chris Rock's joke about Jada causes Jada to feel shame.
- Will Smith, observing Jada's reaction, fears getting the "shame hot potato" for being a perceived bad partner.
- Will then unloads this shame onto Chris Rock by slapping him.
- Subsequently, social media places the shame back on Will (and Jada).
- A year later, Chris Rock, through his comedy special, redirects the shame back at Will and Jada.
The video argues that when society deeply shames individuals, it makes it more probable that the problematic behaviour will continue, as people either avoid the situation or perpetuate the behaviour, rather than transforming it.
The Upright Apology
The current approach to apologizing is deemed "broken," and Joe Hudson's "upright apology" is presented as a tool to address this. An upright apology is a genuine opportunity for personal growth, given without shame and without yielding to social pressure.
The process for an upright apology involves four key steps:
- Stop Reflexive "Sorries": Avoid automatically saying sorry every time someone is upset, as these hasty apologies can prevent self-reflection, diminish confidence, and impede personal growth.
- Adopt an Undefended Posture: In non-physically threatening situations, physically open yourself up by uncrossing your arms and legs and lifting your chin. This vulnerability helps to calm the other person and demonstrates your openness to their perspective.
- Listen Deeply: Pay close, slow attention to what the other person is saying and to your internal, heartfelt response. Silence is acceptable, and it's even beneficial to ask for time to truly process their words.
- Apologize with Self-Love: If you acknowledge behaviour you regret, apologize from a place of self-love and acceptance of responsibility, not out of external compulsion. This approach signifies that the behaviour does not align with who you aspire to be, making you significantly less likely to repeat it in the future.
This method is described as an "incredible relationship tool" that can foster immediate closeness and influence others to reconsider long-held viewpoints.