The Dating Doctor: "Start Dating Like It's Your Job!" - The Diary of a CEO with Dr Orion Taraban

Dr Orion Taraban is a psychologist, host of the podcast ‘PsychHacks’, and the author of the book, ‘The Value Of Others: Understanding the Economic Model of Relationships to Get (and Keep) More of What You Want in the Sexual’.

The Modern Relationship Crisis and Its Macro Context

• The world is currently experiencing a "relationship crisis," marked by a catastrophic decline in all forms of relationships over the last 10 years.
• Fewer people are getting married, with rates at historic lows in the USA. Additionally, fewer people are entering into relationships, and even casual sexual relationships ("hooking up") are being transacted less frequently.
• This crisis has significant downstream consequences on a macro scale, including potential population collapse. Many countries, if not for immigration, would be below reproductive replacement rates, leading to an economically burdened society with fewer workers supporting a growing elderly population. This phenomenon is partly driving advancements in robotics and AI to compensate for declining human workforce numbers.
• For individuals, this translates into mating and dating being more confusing and difficult than ever before, despite technological advancements that should theoretically make it easier.

The Impact of Dating Apps

• The meteoric rise of dating apps has correlated with a catastrophic decline in all forms of relationships. In the last decade, online initiation of relationships increased by 250%, with over 50% of couples now meeting through social media or online dating sites.
• Dating apps are described as tools that require strategy. Most people don't know how to use them correctly, and casual use can lead to feeling infuriated, depressed, and hopeless. A "Massive Action" strategy is often necessary, especially for men.
• The modern dating landscape, especially with apps, means individuals are competing globally. A person's "local pond" for dating has expanded to a "gigantic ocean," where one is competing with every other person on the planet for desirable partners.

Challenges Faced by Men in Modern Dating

• Men are finding it harder to meet women and get into relationships.
• Invisibility: Most young men, especially those around 18, feel invisible. They often lack money, skills, or experience, making them less desirable to women seeking long-term partners and less useful to experienced men as team players. They are generally "disposable".
• Crisis of Masculinity: Masculinity is in a crisis, leading to a proliferation of "performative masculinity" influencers who offer solutions for men feeling lost in the modern sexual marketplace.
• Mental Health and Worthlessness: High rates of suicide among men (including adolescent boys) are linked to feelings of worthlessness and not being needed. Being told "you're needed" is less effective than actually having opportunities to be needed and connected to the world.
• Fear of "Me Too": Many men, particularly in progressive areas like San Francisco, are terrified of being "Me Too'd," canceled, or publicly humiliated, making them hesitant to approach women in person. However, the speaker's personal experience suggests that respectful cold approaches rarely lead to negative outcomes.

Strategies for Men to Increase Attractiveness and Seduction

• "Date like it's your job": A serious approach, akin to a job hunt requiring hundreds of resumes, coaching, and research, is necessary to navigate the challenging dating landscape.
• Increase Attractiveness: Everyone can be more attractive than they currently are. This involves:
  • Physical Fitness and Hygiene: Hitting the gym, taking care of one's body, and basic hygiene.
  • Dressing Well: Investing in two or three good outfits and getting a better haircut can provide a "free point" in attractiveness, especially in certain competitive cities.
  • Learning "Seduction" or "Game": The less conventionally attractive a man is, the more he needs to learn these skills. This involves treating dating like behavioural science, observing what actually works, and being adaptable.
• Learning to Talk (Emotional Resonance): The most vulnerable organ in a woman to seduction is her mind. Men need to learn to communicate not just semantically (conveying information) but also to evoke emotional resonance, similar to how an actor invests a script with emotion. This means creating a "vibe" and a shared private world.
• Generating Renown/Fame: Money and power are attraction proxies; "fame" or "renown" is the most powerful attractant. This can be contextual, like being the lead in a small theatrical production. It signals that one is an "alpha" within that specific context. For young, broke, and less conventionally attractive men, standing out through a craft like music can attract attention.
• Avoid Disabusing the Fantasy Too Soon: Men often "blow the first date" by talking too much, inadvertently dispelling the woman's initial fantasy of who he might be. The key is to slowly and gradually introduce reality, allowing the woman's attraction to fill in the gaps of her knowledge.
• "Neag" or Playful Disinterest: With highly attractive women, a slight "neag" (a backhanded compliment or playful challenge) or showing less overt interest can evoke curiosity, as they are accustomed to constant male pursuit. This signals confidence and self-possession.
• Leverage the "Please No" Game (Negotiation Strategies): Human relationships are fundamentally about wanting something from others, and the default answer is "no" because giving costs something. Successful strategies involve non-verbal cues (facial expression, tone, gesture, body language) to stimulate emotions that lead to a "yes". Polite requests, creating small obligations (e.g., "can you grab that for me?"), and "yes chains" (small, reasonable requests leading to larger ones) can undermine resistance.
• Vulnerability (Present Moment Emotional Experience): Sharing one's present moment emotional experience makes a man more visible to women, allowing for potential resonance. This counters the "robotic" and monotone communication many men exhibit.
• Selfishness and Selection Criteria: Being "selfish and explicit" about one's needs and having few, clear selection criteria leads to more satisfying relationships by expanding the "applicant pool" and reducing disappointment. It's important to get other needs (e.g., intellectual stimulation) met through non-sexual relationships with men and women, reducing pressure on a romantic partner.

Challenges Faced by Women in Modern Dating

• The main problem women encounter is finding men they want for long-term relationships, with many seeking marriage. This is in contrast to historical times when girls were prepared for marriage from a young age.
• Women typically have more optionality than men and a higher threshold for selection. However, when empowered to make their own sexual decisions, women often target the top 10% of men. This creates problems because the likelihood of such men giving up their "insane sexual optionality" for a monogamous arrangement is low.
• Women are by far bigger consumers of therapeutic services and self-help material. However, therapy isn't a panacea; women often talk to process emotions (emotionally focused strategies), whereas men seek action and solutions.
• Women complain about being approached and sexualized against their will, highlighting a dichotomy of desires where men's desperation creates uncomfortable experiences for women.
• Women are susceptible to the trap of thinking a relationship will "take care of itself" or that a partner will stay if "it's meant to be," without actively providing value to maintain the relationship.

Strategies for Women to Initiate Relationships

• Women are encouraged to initiate indirectly, using "plausible deniability". The classic example is "dropping the handkerchief" to create an opportunity for a man to approach.
• Eye Contact: Sustained eye contact is extremely intimate and can be used by women to "call" men they wish to interact with.
• While social norms generally don't support women "rolling up on men" directly, the issue is often a lack of "game" or skill in those who do.

Relationships as an Exchange of Value

• Relationships are fundamentally an exchange of value. Value is defined as anything that can be bought or earned, though it's not always literal money.
• People move towards those from whom they want something and avoid those from whom they want nothing. If there's no perceived value, there's no interaction.
• Examples of value exchanged include sex, security, excitement, emotional support, and child-rearing. Men and women often value these differently at different stages of life.
• To protect people's dignity, the transactional nature of relationships is often obscured by "bullshit" (e.g., Valentine's Day, focusing on communication styles over meeting needs). Companies offering "culture" instead of better pay is an analogy.
• The core of a satisfying relationship is meeting a partner's needs and wants. If these are met, much of the "bullshit" (e.g., constant communication about feelings) becomes unnecessary.

The Role of Love, Loyalty, and Friendship

• Love, loyalty, and friendship are "non-transactable goods" (NTGs); they cannot be bought or earned. They are spontaneous gifts from the giver, with no strings attached.
• Confusion arises when people mistake bids for transaction (giving in hopes of receiving) for genuine NTGs.
• Love and relationships are independent constructs: people can be in relationships without love, and love people they are not in relationships with. It is a "happy accident" when both coincide.
• A satisfying relationship is one where needs and wants are met "invisibly and effortlessly".

The Destructive Impact of Modern Pornography

• Pornography has completely changed the game of mating and dating.
• Sexual Satisfaction Without Real Women: Freely distributed, accessible pornography allows men to exist in a perpetually sexually satisfied state, which removes the powerful drive for pro-social action (e.g., applying for jobs, building companies, taking risks to attract real women). Without this "life force energy," men become unmotivated and unproductive.
• Sublimation Deficiency: Humans traditionally sublimate sexual energy into socially acceptable and productive activities. Pornography short-circuits this process.
• Addiction and Shame: Pornography can become an addiction, and like other addictions, men trapped in it are ambivalent. Shame and judgment are ineffective; they only lead to people hiding their behaviour better. To change behavior, one must understand what problem it solves (e.g., loneliness, boredom) and offer alternative solutions (e.g., connection, productive activity).
• Scale and Accessibility: Modern pornography is dangerous due to its free, constant, and massive distribution (e.g., on platforms like Twitter). This ubiquity makes it very difficult for individuals trying to overcome addiction, similar to alcoholics in a drinking culture.
• Blurring Reality: Pornography creates a substitute for real sexual relationships that many men find difficult to distinguish from the "real thing," especially given the costs and risks of real-world dating. Future advancements in VR, robotics, and AI will exacerbate this.

Maintaining Long-Term Relationships and Monogamy

• What attracts someone is not necessarily what keeps them. There are two different problems: attraction (marketing) and retention (substance/ability to go the distance).
• The Crisis of Disappointment: All relationships must pass through a "crisis of disappointment" where the initial fantasy shatters, revealing the partner for who they truly are. The relationship "begins in earnest" at this point, requiring acceptance of the partner's imperfections.
• Acceptance and Forgiveness: To love, one must accept their partner as they are, without trying to change them. Trying to "make them better" is a subtle form of disrespect. Forgiveness (a relinquishing of hatred and resentment) is an emotional survival strategy, crucial for one's own well-being, regardless of reciprocation.
• Monogamy is probably not natural; humans are likely "monogamish". Strict monogamy is a social construct that requires explicit definition and negotiation between partners.
• Novelty and Distance: To maintain spontaneity and sexual interest in long-term monogamous relationships, creativity is required. Novelty is more important for men. Travel, "foreign bed sheets," and even simple physical distance (e.g., working away) can create a sense of "newness" and re-spark interest. The ability to create "mystery" and "unknown" by not being constantly connected (e.g., via cell phones) is crucial.
• Community vs. Partner as "Everything": The modern nuclear family and dissolution of real community mean partners are expected to be "an entire Village" and "extended family," which is an impossible burden. Historically, broader social structures met diverse needs.

Chapters

00:00:00 Intro
00:02:27 The Relationship & Sex Crisis
00:04:50 How The Relationship Crisis Is Affecting Us
00:06:56 Common Problems Men Are Facing In Modern Relationships
00:07:45 Are Dating Apps Really Helping?
00:08:20 The Crisis Of Masculinity: What Men Are Going Through
00:09:10 How Gender Dynamics Have Shifted Over Time
00:11:35 Andrew Tate And The Rise Of Performative Masculinity
00:15:46 Why Men Need To Feel Needed In Relationships
00:18:03 The Unique Challenges Women Face In Today's World
00:18:54 My Professional Journey: What Led Me Here
00:20:02 Understanding The Problems Both Men And Women Face
00:22:08 Applying Business Strategies To Improve Relationships
00:24:57 Why Women Seek Marriage: A Deeper Look
00:27:59 Helping Men Improve Their Lives And Relationships
00:30:27 How To Increase Your Attractiveness
00:31:46 The Importance Of Surface Marketing In Dating
00:34:41 How To Get Better At Meeting Women
00:36:54 Tips For Men To Boost Their Attractiveness
00:37:33 How Men Should Communicate Effectively
00:41:15 Why You Don’t Need Money To Attract Women
00:42:09 How I Completely Transformed My Life
00:44:35 Tips On Keeping A Partner Long-Term
00:47:08 Why A Relationship's First Crisis Is Crucial
00:49:33 Why The Top 10% Of Men Are Having The Most Sex
00:51:31 Is A Relationship An Exchange Of Value?
00:54:32 How Our Communities Have Evolved Over Time
00:57:14 Why Absence Can Be A Recipe For Better Sex
00:59:24 Is Monogamy Natural? Exploring The Debate
01:00:51 Is Gold Digging Just Another Transaction?
01:05:23 Why Men Are Terrified Of Women
01:07:56 What Really Happens To Beautiful People?
01:10:24 How To Turn A No Into A Yes
01:14:25 The Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Attracting Women
01:16:26 The Most Effective Pickup Line I’ve Used
01:19:00 How To Handle Interactions With Very Attractive Women
01:22:25 Should Women Make The First Move? Here’s How
01:25:51 What Is Love? Understanding This Complex Emotion
01:29:57 The Impact Of Porn On Modern Relationships
01:31:50 The OnlyFans Phenomenon: What It Means For Relationships
01:35:16 Libido, Sex, And The Role Of Pornography
01:39:52 How To Change A Man's Behavior For The Better
01:46:32 Advice For Those Struggling To Find Love
01:50:03 How AI Will Change Relationships Forever
01:55:17 How To Be A Man In 2024: Key Insights
01:59:53 Is Being Selfish The Key To Happiness?
02:01:40 Dr. Orion's Selection Criteria Explained
02:08:15 The Most Important Thing We Haven’t Discussed
02:16:52 The Final Question Every Guest Must Answer