Contracts of Love & Money That Make or Break Relationships - Dr Andrew Huberman with James Sexton

My guest is James Sexton, Esq., a renowned attorney specializing in contracts related to love and money—prenuptial agreements, divorce and custody. We explore the counterintuitive fact that people with prenuptial agreements tend to stay married longer and report more satisfying relationships than those who don’t. We discuss how legal contracts can foster deeper understanding by encouraging vulnerability and honest communication about each partner’s values and expectations. We also examine what defines true, lasting love versus generic romantic ideals—and how social media can distort our understanding of what we truly need. Additionally, we review how cultural traditions, gender dynamics, courtship length, and age at the time of marriage shape marital outcomes.

Reframing the Role of Prenuptial Agreements

• Prenuptial agreements (prenups), often viewed as unromantic or pessimistic, can actually deepen emotional connection and build trust between partners.
• A prenup can serve as a way to establish a sense of safety for both people and prevent many common conflicts and misunderstandings.
• Everyone already has a prenup: it is either a contract created by the state legislature (the legal default) or one tailored to the unique needs of the couple. The two people who love each other most are the best people to write the rule set governing their relationship.
• The process of discussing a prenup is framed as an invitation to intimate discussion, where partners clarify what they owe each other, the value they bring to each other's lives, and what they need to protect and preserve.
• In James Sexton’s experience over 25 years, the vast majority of people who complete prenups stay married, which is a surprising observation. The fact that couples are capable of having the necessary hard conversations and negotiations signals they are likely to be successfully married.
• A prenup is a tool to bolster the probability of the marriage working, not just a plan for its ending.

The Economic and Contractual Reality of Marriage

• Marriage must be viewed as an economy and a contract, alongside its emotional and romantic aspects. An economy is defined as an exchange of value.
• Ignoring the contractual and economic risks involved in marriage, especially the high divorce rate (currently 56%), and failing to plan in advance, is legally considered reckless.
• By default (in the absence of a contract), marriage is governed by a rule set written by politicians that the government can change without the couple's consent or knowledge, and one cannot opt out of the new rules.
• The structure of a basic prenup often defines "yours, mine, and ours" in terms of assets and liabilities, which is analogous to a healthy relationship maintaining "you, me, and we".
• Prenups can cover highly detailed and specific things, including infidelity clauses (liquidated damages or waiver of alimony for cheating), as well as pet clauses concerning custody rotation, veterinary decisions, and handling of cremated remains. Pet clauses are often the most complicated and diverse aspects of a prenup.
• The challenge of community property states (like California) is that after a set period (seven years in California), all separate property is presumed to become marital property ("mine" becomes "ours"). This change often correlates with a spike in divorce rates around 6.5 years.

Divorce and Gendered Responses

• The legal concept of maternal presumption, which assumed a child should stay with the mother unless she was unfit, was prevalent until the 1980s. Although this presumption is gone, women still tend to fight harder for custody than men.
• Societal perceptions influence divorce responses: a divorced mother who doesn't have custody is often scrutinized with suspicion (e.g., substance abuse or mental health issues), whereas a divorced man in the same situation is accepted.
• Divorce involves men often expressing anger in very blunt ways, as anger is one of the few emotions culturally permitted for men. Women, conversely, can be more forgiving in unhappy marriages but, once they decide to leave, they can become "weaponized" and mercenary towards their partner.
• Popular media often portrays a man who cheats as a "piece of shit," while a woman who cheats is often framed as being "driven into the arms of another man" in a "journey of self-discovery".
• Divorce is a no-fault process, meaning assets are split according to legal defaults or a prenup, regardless of whether a person cheated. There is no good spouse bonus or bad spouse penalty in divorce court, though infidelity clauses in prenups can legally enforce financial penalties.
• Women who are high-earning executives often find themselves paying alimony to less financially successful husbands, reflecting that gender has nothing to do with spousal support obligations.
• Divorce, especially when litigated, is traumatic, and the conflict can destroy years of good memories. An ugly divorce can become a permanent, damaging lens through which people view the world and future relationships.

The Importance of Vulnerability, Safety, and Communication

• Intimacy is fundamentally defined as the ability to be completely yourself with another person, requiring vulnerability. The underlying fear driving relationship issues is the belief that "you are not enough."
• A partner must feel safe (emotionally and physically) to feel loved, making the prenup an opportunity to establish this safety upfront.
• The biggest relationship mistake is that all marriage problems stem from two issues: not knowing what we want, and not knowing how to express what we want.
• Hard conversations are mandatory: if a couple cannot have hard conversations (e.g., about finances or prenups), they have no business marrying each other. It is better to have a series of mildly uncomfortable conversations throughout the relationship than extremely difficult ones in divorce court.
• When people are angry or lashing out, they are afraid, and their capacity for fairness and compassion diminishes. The time to agree on how to handle conflict is when people are "feeling positive and benevolent" towards each other.
• Love is a choice and a practice. Every marriage ends (in death or divorce), and the decision a partner makes every day to continue to choose you is what makes the relationship beautiful, not its permanence.

The Influence of Media, Culture, and Expectations

• The wedding industrial complex and social pressure encourage marriage, even though divorce rates are high and many marriages are unhappy.
• Advertising and social media function as "the dream life of a culture" and the opposite of therapy, constantly telling people they are "not OK" and driving consumption (e.g., wedding purchases) and setting impossible ideals.
• Most romantic comedies and popular narratives about love are "pornography": stylized, idealized versions of relationships that end before the difficult reality of cohabitation or conflict kicks in. Basing expectations on these false ideals sets one up for heartbreak.
• Romance and bonding are often found in simple, everyday moments of intimacy and connection (e.g., the cream in the coffee, sharing pizza), rather than expensive vacations or grand gestures. These simple memories are durable and drive a feeling of completeness.
• When men marry, it is often a passive response ("that's what you do," or "I don't want to lose the ride"), whereas women often ask, "Where is this going?". However, a man agreeing to marry because making his partner happy is important to him is considered an act of love, not passivity.

Post-Nups and Advice for Different Stages

• Post-nups (contracts made after marriage) are legally problematic because they often fail for "want of consideration"—staying married is not considered an exchange of value.
• For those dating or married, James Sexton suggests focusing on two questions: "When do you feel the most loved?" and "When do you feel the most loving?". This uncovers specific, meaningful relationship benchmarks.
• Longevity does not equal success; a marriage is successful if the partners make each other's lives better, not just because they stay married for a long time.
• A powerful, easy action for couples to maintain connection is to leave notes or send simple, loving texts (e.g., "I was just thinking of you") in the middle of the day. This provides positive reinforcement that affirms the partner's importance.
• If someone asks for a prenup, and the partner immediately threatens to leave, Sexton advises letting them leave, as the quick change from profound love to complete abandonment signals a massive inconsistency and a lack of authentic commitment.

Chapters

00:02:19 Sponsors: Wealthfront & BetterHelp
00:14:41 Contracts, Business, Marriage Celebration, Prenups
00:26:24 Nesting; Prenups, Creating Rulesets
00:33:56 Prenups & Strengthening Marriage
00:38:19 Marriage Traditions; Divorce Rates, Religion
00:44:44 First vs Second Marriages, Love & Impermanence
00:50:09 Sponsors: AG1 & Our Place
00:53:53 Contracts, Relationships & Hard Conversations
01:02:37 Marriage & Underlying Problems, Love, Successful Marriages
01:16:27 Ideals, Social Media & Advertising, Simplicity, Dogs
01:27:33 Sponsor: Function
01:29:26 Intimacy, Tool: Early Framework for Hard Discussions
01:37:06 Prenup Consultation, Legal Defaults, Reasons for Marriage
01:47:37 Alimony, Prenups & Creating Rulesets, Yours, Mine & Ours, Adultery, Pets
02:02:30 Fond Memories & Ending Relationship, Pain, Divorce
02:12:49 Social Media, Movies & Ideals, Pornography vs Real Sexual Relationships
02:22:43 Revealing Flaws, Bravery, Prenups & Expectations, Money
02:37:49 Bravery, Vulnerability, Relationship Changes, Men vs Women, Marriage
02:47:11 Relationship Sacrifices, Men & Women; Prenups, Government
02:54:45 Life Milestones, Early vs Late Marriage, Navigating Challenges
03:01:38 Courtship Period & Marital Outcomes
03:10:12 Knowing Self & Partner, Vulnerability
03:16:58 "Postnup", Rekindling or Ending Relationships, Tool: Leave a Note
03:26:41 Heartbreak & Love, Divorce; Acknowledgements
03:34:45 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, Sponsors, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter