Parwy's Blog: How to Stop Having Shallow Conversations

When engaging in conversation, the listener's job is to follow, not lead, allowing people to guide the conversation where they want it to go.
Most individuals have never had someone genuinely listen to them for more than ten minutes.
The subtle power supporting all deep connection techniques is presence. Presence means allowing your attention to rest solely with the other person, dropping your own agenda, and following their lead with gentle curiosity.
The challenge offered is to give someone 10 minutes of fully attentive listening, which can result in a shockingly deep connection in a short time.
A common temptation in conversation is to focus on proving one's worth, being funny or helpful, or worrying about how one is coming across, rather than inviting the other person to share themselves.

Avoid Interruption: Steven almost never interrupts, which is crucial because frequent interruptions (to correct, switch topics, or joke) are common in most conversations. If the goal is deep connection, allowing people to 100% complete their thoughts is the fast track.
Interrupt for Depth: The only exception to the no-interruption rule is if interrupting will take the other person deeper into their emotions. For example, pausing someone who speeds through an emotional story to elicit more information.
Signal Curiosity: If a person mentions something emotionally charged, show curiosity to know more. Slowing down to dig deeper signals that you care and that the other person can become vulnerable without fear of you pulling away.
Ask Chunky Questions: To move a conversation past superficial small talk (like sports or the weather), use "chunky questions" that instantly drive people into meaningful territory. Examples include asking about a person’s deepest fear or what lessons fatherhood taught them. A good segue, such as "Hey I heard this really awesome question," can make asking such questions feel less strange.

Offer Least Invasive Support: When someone becomes emotional, offer the least invasive support possible. This often involves simply sitting in silence while they process grief or strong feelings.
Say Less: In highly emotional moments, the key is to say less. Long stories, even if well-intended (like assuring them everything will be okay), can pull people out of their necessary emotional process. Using fewer words gives them the space to process their emotion while in your presence.
Use Empathetic Mirroring: After a big emotion or vulnerable story is shared, reflect the emotional core of what they said back to them using your own words. The goal is to encapsulate and repeat what has already been shared, rather than anticipating what they might say next.
Physical Touch as Support: If your instinct suggests more support is needed during intense emotional difficulty, physical touch is highly effective. This involves meeting them heart-to-heart and holding a hug longer than usual without the energy of trying to change or fix them—just being present with them.
Stay Present: When people become emotional, they do not need you to perform actions to get them out of their emotion; staying present is often the greatest gift. Trying to stop an upset person from feeling their feelings usually has the counterproductive effect of shutting them down.