https://lifehacker.com/adjust-your-beliefs-to-handle-the-crappy-events-in-your-1787057846
Events Don't Cause Your Feelings, Your Beliefs Do
The central learning point of the article is based on the ABC model from cognitive behavioral therapy. It's not the Adversity (the crappy event) that directly causes the Consequences (your feelings and actions). Instead, it's your Beliefs about the event that are the true cause of your emotional response. Many people mistakenly believe that external events dictate their happiness or anger, but this framework shows that you have a point of control: your own beliefs.
Recognize Your "Demanding" Beliefs
The article explains that our negative emotional responses often stem from rigid, irrational beliefs. These are often "demanding" beliefs that take the form of "shoulds," "musts," and "have tos." For example, believing "People must treat me fairly" or "I should always succeed." When reality doesn't conform to these rigid demands, we experience negative emotions like anger, anxiety, or depression.
- Action Point: When you experience a strong negative emotion, identify the underlying belief that's causing it. Look for absolute and demanding words like "always," "never," "must," "should," or "ought to." Recognizing these irrational demands is the first step to changing them.
Dispute and Reframe Your Beliefs
Once you've identified an irrational or demanding belief, the next step is to actively dispute and challenge it. This involves questioning the validity of the belief and reframing it in a more flexible and rational way. The goal is to move from rigid demands to more adaptable preferences.
- Action Point: Challenge your demanding belief by asking critical questions: "Where is the evidence that this must be true?" "Is there another way of looking at this?" "Why must this be the case?" Then, replace the rigid belief with a more flexible preference. For example, change "I must succeed at this task" to "I would prefer to succeed, but it's not the end of the world if I don't. I can learn from the experience either way."
The Power of Preference
By consciously shifting your beliefs from rigid demands to flexible preferences, you can fundamentally change your emotional response to negative events. A preference allows for disappointment or sadness when things don't go your way, but it prevents the kind of debilitating anger, anxiety, or depression that comes from believing a rigid rule about the universe has been violated. This adjustment gives you more control over your emotional well-being, even when you can't control external events.