How Humans Select And Keep Romantic Partners In The Short And Long Term - Dr Andrew Huberman with Dr David Buss

and also The Hidden Psychology of Sexual Conflict - Modern Wisdom with David Buss:

Learning Points

1. Evolutionary Psychology Framework

   • Dr. David Buss is a foundational figure in evolutionary psychology, which examines human psychology through the lens of evolutionary theory, focusing on the function of psychological mechanisms. It's essentially "psychology look[ed at] through the lens of evolutionary theory".
   • Sexual selection is a core concept, dealing with the evolution of characteristics due to their mating advantage, distinct from survival advantage. It involves two processes: intrasexual competition (same-sex rivalry for mates, often for status or resources) and preferential mate choice (one sex developing a consensus on desired qualities in the other).
   • Humans exhibit mutual mate choice, meaning both men and women have preferences and compete for desirable partners.
   • Long-term pair bonding is remarkably rare in the mammalian world (3-5% of species), making human long-term mating a unique evolutionary development involving attachment and significant male investment in offspring.

2. Universal Mate Preferences (Long-term Mating)

   • Extensive cross-cultural studies (including Dr. Buss's 37-culture study, which has been replicated) reveal universal desires in long-term partners for both sexes: intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction and love, good health, dependability, and emotional stability.
   • Love is considered a universal human experience, not a modern Western invention, with distinct infatuation and attachment phases.

3. Sex-Differentiated Mate Preferences (Long-term Mating)

   • These differences are among the most robust and replicable findings in psychology and are the "root causes of conflict between the sexes".
   • Women more than men prioritise:
     • Good earning capacity and financial resources.
     • Slightly older age (on average 3.5 to 4.5 years older).
     • Qualities associated with resource acquisition: social status, ambition, drive, and a positive long-term resource trajectory.
     • Women assess a man's status partly through attention structure (who receives the most attention from others) and use mate choice copying (a man seen with other attractive women is perceived as more desirable).
   • Men more than women prioritise:
     • Physical attractiveness and cues to youth and health (e.g., clear skin, symmetrical features, full lips, lustrous hair, a low waist-to-hip ratio). These cues signal fertility and reproductive value, though men are not consciously aware of this underlying logic.
     • Men prefer women who are, on average, 3 to 4 years younger than themselves. This age gap tends to widen as men get older, with marriage statistics showing increasing age disparities in second and third marriages. Highly successful men (e.g., Leonardo DiCaprio) demonstrate a clearer expression of this preference for younger women when unconstrained by reciprocal mate choice.

4. Cultural Variability in Mate Preferences

   • The preference for virginity (no prior sexual experience) is the most culturally variable desire. Historically, China highly valued it for both sexes, while Sweden placed almost zero value on it. This has changed over time in some cultures, with the importance of virginity decreasing in urban areas of China, and a sex difference emerging where males value it more.

5. Short-term Mating Preferences (Sexual Partner Choice)

   • Sex differences in desire for sexual variety are significant: men desire many more sexual partners over a lifetime (e.g., 18 vs. 4-5 for women) and fantasise about sex more frequently and with a wider range of partners. Men are often willing to have sex almost immediately, while women typically require more information and time.
   • For women, physical appearance becomes more important in short-term mating.
   • Men are willing to lower their standards for low-commitment, low-risk sexual encounters.
   • Women may be attracted to "bad boy" qualities (self-confident, arrogant, risk-taking, defiant) in short-term partners, contrasting with "good dad" qualities for long-term mates.
   • Women's attraction to men is more context-specific (e.g., a man's status or role in a group can significantly enhance his attractiveness), whereas men's attraction to women is largely based on specific psychophysical cues and is less context-dependent.

6. Deception in Mating

   • Both men and women engage in deception to appear more desirable based on the preferences of the person they want to attract.
   • Men often exaggerate income (~20%) and add inches to their height (~2 inches).
   • Women tend to underreport their weight (~15 pounds).
   • Both sexes use flattering or older photos online.
   • A common, evolutionarily recurrent deception by men is feigning long-term interest to secure short-term sexual access.
   • Modern online dating, while facilitating connections, also provides opportunities for new forms of deception (e.g., Photoshopping, concealing reputational issues) that were harder ancestrally in small social groups.

7. Infidelity

   • Infidelity (sexual, emotional, or financial) is a widespread but highly concealed human behaviour.
   • Sex differences in motives:
     • Men: Primarily driven by a desire for sexual variety/novelty (70% of cheating men cite this). Men's happiness in their primary relationship often does not predict their infidelity rates.
     • Women: More often rooted in unhappiness with the primary relationship (emotional or sexual dissatisfaction).
   • Female infidelity typically serves a "mate switching" function, where women seek to leave an existing relationship, trade up, or secure a backup mate. Evidence includes 70% of women who have affairs reporting that they fall in love and become deeply emotionally involved with their affair partner.
   • Men who have affairs tend to do so with a larger number of partners, while women often focus on one emotional connection.
   • Other forms of infidelity:
     • Emotional infidelity: Developing deep psychological closeness, love, and sharing intimate information with someone outside the primary relationship. Women are typically more distressed by emotional infidelity, whereas men are more focused on sexual infidelity due to paternity uncertainty.
     • Financial infidelity: Keeping secret bank accounts or credit cards, hiding expenditures, or diverting pooled resources without a partner's knowledge. This is reported by 30-60% of people.

8. Jealousy and Mate Guarding

   • Jealousy is an evolved emotion that serves a mate guarding or mate retention function, protecting investment in a long-term relationship.
   • It's activated by threats like cues to infidelity, emotional distance, the presence of mate poachers, or emerging mate value discrepancies within a relationship (e.g., one partner's career takes off while the other struggles).
   • Mate retention tactics range from vigilance (e.g., stalking, monitoring social media) to extreme violence.
   • Intimate Partner Violence (IPV): A "desperate measure" (more often by men) to retain a partner, inflict costs, or reduce a perceived mate value discrepancy. This can involve verbal abuse (e.g., denigrating a partner's appearance) or physical violence, which can literally lower the victim's mate value by causing injury or forcing concealment. Abusive men may also try to cut off their partner's social support (friends, family) to isolate them. IPV is a "horrendous thing" but has an "unfortunate function" from an evolutionary perspective, and affects close to a third of women in their lifetime.
   • Specific male violence during pregnancy, if paternity is suspected to be non-existent, can involve blows to the abdomen, hypothesised to terminate the rival's offspring.

9. The Dark Triad and Sexual Conflict

   • The Dark Triad consists of three personality traits: narcissism (grandiosity, entitlement), Machiavellianism (exploitative social strategy, manipulation), and psychopathy (lack of empathy).
   • Men tend to score higher on these traits than women, especially psychopathy.
   • Individuals high in Dark Triad traits are often sexual deceivers, serial sexual harassers, and sexual coercers. They are more susceptible to the male sexual misperception bias and often combine these traits with a short-term mating strategy.
   • "Bad boy" traits often associated with Dark Triad (self-confidence, risk-taking, arrogance) can be attractive, particularly to younger women, for short-term mating, but these individuals are "disastrous as long-term mates".
   • The modern environment (large cities, online dating) allows Dark Triad individuals to escape the reputational costs they would have faced in ancestral small groups.
   • Stalking: A significant sex difference exists, with about 80% of criminal stalkers being men. Motivations include re-establishing a relationship or interfering with the victim's future mating prospects. Stalking can sometimes "work" by scaring off rivals or by temporarily forcing a reunion (in a minority of cases, ~15%). Stalkers are typically of a much lower mate value than their victims.
   • Sexual Violence: The "most widespread human rights violation in the world". The vast majority of rapes are not by strangers, but are date, acquaintance, or partner rapes. Perpetrators are often not "loser males," but rather men who are successful, have high sex drive, desire for sexual variety, and can get away with it due to power and wealth (e.g., Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby). It is likely that not all men are potential rapists, but a subset, often with Dark Triad traits, are.

10. Mate Value and Children

    • For women (and men), having children from a previous relationship generally decreases mate value in the mating market, as the new partner views these children as a cost rather than a benefit. This is more pronounced for women as they often have greater custody and invest more in children.

11. Overperception and Underperception Biases

    • Male sexual overperception bias: Men tend to "over-infer sexual interest" from women (e.g., a smile or casual touch), perceiving friendliness as sexual attraction. This is an adaptive bias from an evolutionary perspective, as missing mating opportunities was costly.
    • Female sexual underperception bias: Women tend to underperceive men's actual sexual interest, partly because men often disguise their sexual interest by feigning long-term intentions.
    • These biases lead to significant sexual conflict, as men approach uninterested women, who then struggle to reject them without causing resentment or career damage.

12. Self-Deception

    • The hypothesis, notably from Robert Trivers, suggests that successful deception is facilitated by self-deception. If a person genuinely believes their own exaggerations (e.g., about their mate value), they are more convincing to others. Self-confidence can be a heuristic for others to assume one "has the goods".

13. Unconventional Relationships (Polyamory)

    • While not extensively studied by Dr. Buss, polyamorous relationships represent an attempt to navigate and potentially "overcome" certain evolved features of human mating psychology.
    • Sex differences in motivation (on average): Men are often motivated by the evolved desire for sexual variety, while women might agree to polyamory as a mate retention tactic to keep a partner.
    • Evolved emotions like jealousy can still arise, even if sexual activity with others is permitted; emotional connections can be a stronger trigger for jealousy than purely sexual ones, especially for women.

Action Points

1. Seek Face-to-Face Interaction Early in Dating:

   • Given the prevalence of online deception (exaggerated profiles, Photoshopped images), it's crucial to meet a potential partner in person quickly to get a more accurate assessment, as olfactory and auditory cues are vital for women's mate selection.

2. Assess Emotional Stability Through Stressors:

   • To evaluate critical long-term qualities like emotional stability, engage in activities that reveal how a person copes with stress. For example, taking a trip together to an unfamiliar environment can provide insights into their behaviour under unpredictable conditions, which is more revealing than a casual coffee date.

3. Correct for Sexual Overperception and Underperception Biases:

   • For men: Understand that a woman's friendliness (e.g., a smile, a casual touch) is often not a signal of sexual interest. Consciously correct for the sexual overperception bias to avoid unwanted approaches and conflict.
   • For women: Be aware that men may be under-perceiving your lack of sexual interest, partly because men are often taught to mask their sexual intentions with cues of long-term interest.
   • Deep knowledge of evolved sexual psychology is key for both sexes to minimise sexual conflict.

4. Be Wary of Dark Triad Traits:

   • Recognise the characteristics of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Be cautious of individuals who exhibit these, especially if they also pursue a short-term mating strategy, as they are strongly linked to deception, harassment, and coercion.
   • Observe how individuals treat others (e.g., animals, children, waiters) as an indicator of empathy.

5. Understand Mate Value Dynamics and Potential Exploitation:

   • Be aware that mate value discrepancies can trigger jealousy and manipulative behaviours (e.g., denigrating a partner's appearance or cutting off their social ties) as attempts to retain a partner. This is especially relevant in contexts of intimate partner violence.

6. Address Mating Anxiety:

   • For those experiencing anxiety around approaching potential mates, cognitive behavioural desensitisation (e.g., intentionally engaging in low-stakes approaches and experiencing rejection) can help reduce the fear of rejection and improve mating confidence.

7. Do Not Dismiss Sex Differences:

   • Dr. Buss argues that "sex difference denialism" actually harms women by making society ignorant to the causal processes underlying sexual violence. Recognising and understanding these fundamental, evolved sex differences is crucial for developing effective strategies to prevent harm and conflict.

8. Distinguish "Toxic Masculinity" Precisely:

   • While there are "toxic elements" to masculinity (e.g., Dark Triad traits), it's important to apply the term precisely to these harmful aspects rather than painting all masculinity with a broad brush. Acknowledge and value noble aspects of masculinity like sacrifice, protection, and provision.

9. Protect Social Support Networks:

   • Women's defences against abusive male behaviour include "bodyguards" – strong social allies (fathers, brothers, mothers, sisters, friends). Abusive men often try to cut these ties to isolate their partners, making it essential to maintain and strengthen these relationships.