The secret to a happy life - lessons from 8 decades of research - Robert Waldinger

The happiest and healthiest people are those who have warm connections with others, says psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, who leads the Harvard Study of Adult Development -- one of the longest-running studies of adult life ever conducted. Exploring the crucial link between social bonds and quality of life, he shares wisdom and insights into how to identify and strengthen the relationships that impact your well-being most.

The point on the importance of good relationships echoes the points in Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Hari.

... and as a full interview with Robert Waldinger, on the The Diary of a CEO, where he talks through the study ...

Dr. Robert Waldinger, a Harvard psychiatrist, Zen priest, and the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, is featured across both YouTube videos discussing the findings of the longest study ever conducted on human happiness and health. His TED Talk on this subject is one of the most viewed of all time, highlighting a universal hunger for this information.

1. The Harvard Study of Adult Development: An Unprecedented Endeavor

• Longevity and Scope: The study is the longest study of human life ever done, tracking the same people through their entire adult lives for 85 years, starting in 1938. It began as two separate studies: one on Harvard college students (young men considered "fine upstanding specimens") and another on boys from troubled backgrounds in Boston, focused on "normal development" rather than what goes wrong.
• Evolution of Methods: Over 85 years, the study has adapted its methods from initial interviews and medical exams to drawing blood for DNA and using MRI scanners to observe brain activity.
• Current Status: It initially followed 724 families, and now continues to collect data from the children of the original participants, totalling over 2,000 people. Some participants have even donated their brains, providing unique insights into normal brain development linked to life experiences.
• Mission: Dr. Waldinger's personal mission is to bring this hard-won scientific knowledge to people in understandable ways they can use to relieve "optional suffering".

2. The Core Finding: Relationships are the Key to Happiness and Health

• Most Surprising Discovery: The most surprising and significant finding is that "it's our relationships that keep us healthier and happier". This was initially hard for researchers to believe, but other studies have confirmed it.
• Comprehensive Benefits: Good, warm connections lead to less depression, a lower likelihood of developing diabetes and heart disease, faster recovery from illness, and sharper brains as people age. They also contribute to greater overall well-being and a feeling of meaning in life.
• Longevity: Research indicates that married men live 12 years longer and women live 7 years longer on average, although it's the intimate connection, not just the marriage license, that matters.

3. How Relationships Impact Health: Stress Regulation

• Stress as a Constant: Stress is an inevitable part of life, and our bodies are designed to enter a "fight or flight" mode in response to challenges, with increased heart rate and blood pressure.
• The Role of Good Relationships: Good relationships act as "stress regulators". When something upsetting happens, talking to a partner or friend helps the body return to equilibrium, calming the fight or flight response.
• Consequences of Isolation: People who are lonely or socially isolated lack these stress regulators and remain in a chronic fight or flight mode. This leads to higher levels of stress hormones (like cortisol) and inflammation, which "wear away our happiness" and break down various body systems, including coronary arteries and joints.
• Link to Other Health Issues: Loneliness is as detrimental to health as smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day or obesity. It's also linked to an earlier onset and higher likelihood of developing Alzheimer's disease due to a lack of brain stimulation from social interaction.

4. Types of Relationships and Their Value

• Intimate Connections: The study emphasizes the need for at least one person to whom one feels securely attached, someone "who really has your back," and who you could call in the middle of the night if you were sick or scared. This person doesn't have to be a romantic partner; it could be a friend, sibling, or adult child.
• Casual Contacts: Even brief, casual interactions, like talking to a stranger on the subway or the person who serves your coffee, can provide a "little hit of well-being". These peripheral relationships can also be valuable for practical benefits, such as finding a new job, as they connect you to networks outside your immediate circle.
• Quality Over Quantity: The quality of connection is paramount; one can feel lonely even within a romantic partnership. Meaningful relationships allow individuals to be authentic and express themselves without maintaining a façade.

5. Misconceptions about Happiness

• Societal Narratives: People often believe that fame, wealth, and badges of achievement (like winning prizes or becoming a CEO) will make them happy. These are measurable and heavily promoted by consumerism and media.
• The Reality: The study conclusively shows that these external achievements do not lead to lasting happiness. When asked at the end of their lives, participants almost universally expressed pride in their relationships, not their material or professional successes.
• "Optional Suffering": Dr. Waldinger, as a Zen priest, refers to "optional suffering" as the self-imposed worries and stories we tell ourselves that turn out not to be true, often driven by a deep-seated fear of impermanence and a desire for a fixed self. This desire for permanence fuels the pursuit of wealth, fame, and dominance.
• Comparison: Comparing ourselves to others, even positively, leads to unhappiness because it introduces the "threat of falling short" and creates anxiety. A wandering mind is also a less happy mind; people are happier when they focus on what's right in front of them.

6. Cultivating "Social Fitness"

• Relationships Need Tending: Just like physical fitness, "social fitness" requires continuous practice and intentional effort; relationships don't maintain themselves.
• Practical Steps:
  • Proactivity: Reach out to friends, invite them for walks or dinner.
  • Establish Routines: Schedule regular phone calls, coffee meet-ups, or gym sessions with important people.
  • Liven Up Relationships: Do something new with long-standing partners or friends to avoid taking them for granted.
  • Connect Around Shared Interests: Volunteer, join clubs (e.g., gardening, bowling, political causes) to meet like-minded individuals.
  • Practice Casual Conversations: Get more comfortable talking to strangers, which can be like "exercising a muscle".
• Ending on Cold Analogy (Implied): Dr. Waldinger's personal example of being more intentional about calling friends and making sure they get together is his "taking his own medicine" from the study's findings.

7. Individual Differences and Nuances

• Introverts vs. Extroverts: The amount of social connection needed varies greatly; introverts find large social gatherings exhausting and may only need one or two close relationships to thrive. It's crucial to discern what's right for oneself.
• Social Skills Are Learnable: While some social skills are learned in childhood, they can be improved in adulthood through practice.
• Never Too Late: The study shows that it is "never too late" to build new connections and find happiness, even for those who have been isolated or unhappy for long periods.

8. Relationships in the Workplace and Society

• Friends at Work: A Gallup study of 15 million workers found that only 30% had a "best friend at work," someone they could talk to about their personal life. These 30% were better workers, earned more, were better with customers, and less likely to leave their jobs. Conversely, 11 out of 12 (nearly all) of those without a friend at work were disengaged.
• Decline of Social Capital: Sociologist Robert Putnam's research in the 1980s and 2000s showed a significant decline in "social capital" in the U.S. (and developed world), with people less likely to join clubs, go to religious services, or invite others to their homes. This decline coincided with the introduction of television and has been exacerbated by digital media and social mobility.
• Remote Work Considerations: While remote psychotherapy has proven effective, the full impact of remote work on social connections is still being studied. Leaders should be intentional about fostering social connection, even remotely, by structuring opportunities for personal sharing in meetings.
• Autonomy: Having control and autonomy in one's work is a huge predictor of happiness and health, leading to less stress and a lower likelihood of diseases like heart disease.

9. Advice for Parents and Personal Growth

• Parenting: Help children learn to pay attention to their feelings, love what they love (even if unpopular), understand that unhappy feelings pass, and model healthy disagreement resolution.
• Self-Criticism: A common human struggle is self-criticism and the feeling of "not being enough". Dr. Waldinger normalizes these feelings, helping people understand they are part of being human, and encourages talking about struggles rather than comparing one's "insides to other people's outsides".
• Taking Responsibility: People who can be helped are those willing to look inward and consider their own contribution to their difficulties, rather than rigid defense or blaming others.
• Discipline and Turning Toward: Discipline isn't just "saying no" but also having "something to turn toward". Like Alcoholics Anonymous, which provides a social network and alternative activities, we need to replace unhealthy impulses with nourishing connections.
• Gratitude: In relationships, practicing gratitude by noticing and appreciating what's going right, rather than focusing on annoyances, significantly increases happiness.
• Flow States: For those who struggle with meditation, finding a "flow state" in an activity they love (e.g., playing piano, gardening, sports) can provide similar feelings of peace, equanimity, and energizing presence where time flies by effortlessly.

10. Dr. Waldinger's Personal Reflections and Optimism

• Prioritizing Purpose: He prioritizes relieving suffering, family, and friends, finding purpose in his work and personal life over prestigious but unsatisfying roles.
• Hope for the Social Fabric: While acknowledging that societal trends are pushing towards greater isolation and that he's "not hopeful" about the current trajectory of social fabric breakdown, he emphasizes that humans evolved to be social animals, and isolation is a stressor.
• One Last Message: If he could leave one last message, it would be to "make your default setting kindness". This involves nourishing "healthy seeds" that will grow, rather than seeds of anger or dominance.
• Ripple Effects: Even small actions, like reaching out to someone missed, can have significant "ripple effects" that build well-being. Dr. Waldinger's own TED Talk planted a seed for the interviewer, leading to profound changes in his life and inspiring him to, in turn, nudge others.

The New Science of Cold Exposure: Reduce Stress, Boost Immunity & Increase Resilience - Dr Rangan Chatterjee with Dr Susanna Søberg

and Dr Andrew Huberman with Dr Susanna Søberg

Dr. Susanna Søberg, a leading expert on deliberate cold and heat exposure from the University of Copenhagen, highlights that while there's a growing awareness of these practices, modern society's pursuit of comfort has led to a reluctance to embrace beneficial stressors. Her research, including a seminal study published in Cell Reports Medicine in 2021, and her book "Winter Swimming," aim to provide scientific backing for these ancient practices, moving beyond anecdotes.

1. The "Why" We Need Cold and Heat Exposure

• Against Modern Comfort and Stress: Our society is "overwhelmed" by stress, leading to increasing rates of depression and lifestyle diseases. We have engineered discomfort out of our lives, from temperature-controlled environments to instant food delivery, narrowing our "window of tolerance" to stress.
• Evolutionary Imperative: Humans are "evolved with the cold" and our ancestors embraced temperature changes daily. This historical context suggests that exposure to cold and heat is fundamental for bodily and mental "reset" and optimal health.
• Holistic Benefits: Deliberate cold and heat exposure offer benefits across physical health (metabolism, weight, immune system, pain, cardiovascular health), mental well-being (resilience, mood, anxiety, depression, confidence), and athletic performance (recovery, endurance).

2. Physiological Mechanisms and Benefits

• Activation of the Nervous System:
  • Sympathetic (Stress) Response: Cold immersion rapidly activates the sympathetic nervous system, increasing heart rate, alertness, and releasing catecholamines like epinephrine, norepinephrine, and dopamine. Noradrenaline levels can increase by up to 250% above baseline within minutes, lasting for hours.
  • Dopamine Boost: Dopamine, crucial for drive, motivation, and a good mood, is also released and sustained for up to four hours after cold exposure, offering a natural "high" without the crash associated with substances like cocaine or alcohol.
  • Parasympathetic (Calming) Response: Submerging up to the neck in cold water can activate the diving response, which slows heart rate and oxygen consumption, promoting a calming, "rest and digest" state. This unique activation of both sympathetic and parasympathetic systems simultaneously "exercises" and strengthens the nervous system.
• Brown Adipose Tissue (BAT) / Brown Fat:
  • Inner Heater: Brown fat is a "healthy", mystifying organ that serves as the body's primary "inner heater" and temperature regulator. Unlike white fat (energy storage), brown fat is rich in mitochondria (energy factories) that burn glucose and fat from the bloodstream to generate heat.
  • Metabolic Boost: Activating brown fat increases metabolism, improves insulin sensitivity, and helps clear sugar and fat from the bloodstream, contributing to less obesity and a lower risk of Type 2 Diabetes.
  • Growth and Decline: Babies are born with a lot of brown fat. While it naturally decreases with age, studies show that regular cold exposure can increase the amount and efficiency of brown fat even in adults. Conversely, a lack of cold exposure can lead to its decline, correlating with increased obesity and lifestyle diseases after age 40.
  • Easy Activation: Brown fat can be activated by even subtle cold stimuli, such as a hand in cold water, being outdoors in a t-shirt, wearing a cooling vest, or simply sleeping in a cool room (e.g., 19°C).
• Shivering and Afterdrop: Shivering is a muscle-driven mechanism to generate heat, burning calories and activating brown fat. The "afterdrop" refers to the body's core temperature continuing to drop after leaving cold water as peripheral blood returns to the core, leading to further shivering. This prolonged heat generation is a beneficial "exercise" for cells, promoting "healthy stress" or hormesis.
• Cardiovascular and Immune Health: Regular cold exposure, often in conjunction with heat, can lead to lower blood pressure and heart rate. Cold showers (even as short as 30 seconds) have been shown to reduce sick days from work, suggesting a boost to the immune system.

3. Mental and Psychological Benefits

• Increased Resilience and Confidence: Deliberately facing uncomfortable cold builds mental resilience and increases one's "stress threshold". It's a "mental workout" that teaches you to push through discomfort, leading to greater confidence in handling other life stressors.
• Improved Mood and Presence: Cold exposure can alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety. It forces you into the present moment, making it impossible to dwell on worries or distractions, providing a unique "perspective" and sense of mental balance.

4. Protocols and Thresholds (The Søberg Principle)

• Minimum Effective Dose: The goal is to achieve an "uncomfortably cold" "cold shock" to activate the body's adaptive responses, rather than enduring extreme cold for prolonged periods.
• Cold Exposure: Dr. Søberg's research suggests that 11 minutes of deliberate cold exposure per week is sufficient for health benefits, divided into 2-3 sessions of 1-2 minutes per dip.
  • For cold showers, 30-90 seconds at the end of a warm shower can significantly reduce sick days.
  • Water temperature of 15°C or below is considered cold. Even colder air (e.g., 19°C) can activate brown fat.
  • Overdoing it (e.g., 30 minutes in ice water) can exhaust cells, flatten, or even reverse benefits.
• Heat Exposure (Sauna): 57 minutes of sauna per week is recommended when combined with cold, divided into 2-3 sessions of 10-15 minutes each.
  • Finnish cohort studies support benefits from 19-30 minutes per session, noting that longer durations (over 30 minutes) do not provide additional health benefits and may even increase risks.
• Contrast Therapy: Alternating between cold and heat (e.g., cold dip then sauna) is highly effective, strengthening cells and improving blood circulation.
• The Søberg Principle: End on Cold: A crucial aspect of the protocol is to always end a session on cold. This forces the body to generate its own heat, keeping brown fat and muscles activated for hours, thereby increasing metabolism and sustaining neurotransmitter benefits.

5. Individual Differences and Safety

• Varying Tolerance: Cold tolerance varies greatly among individuals due to nervous system sensitivity, body composition, age, and ethnicity. It's not a competition, and comparing oneself to others is counterproductive and potentially dangerous.
• Gender Differences: Women typically have more brown fat but also run colder peripherally (hands, feet, ears) and have a higher preferred comfortable temperature (24°C vs. 22°C for men).
• Children: Children are smaller and have a higher surface area to mass ratio, making them more susceptible to hypothermia. Brief dips (e.g., a quick dip) are advised, and children should always be supervised by an adult, learning to listen to their own body's signals.
• Head Immersion: While some dunk their heads, it's not strictly necessary for benefits and can increase heat loss from the core by 36% and decrease blood flow to the brain, potentially causing dizziness. Wearing a beanie can mitigate this.
• Practical Adaptations: If hands or feet are painful, keeping them out of the water or wearing neoprene gloves/booties is acceptable, as the body will still receive significant cold exposure.
• Risk of Hypothermia: Cold is a powerful stimulus, and prolonged exposure can lead to hypothermia, which is a serious risk. It's vital to "listen to your own body" and know when to exit the cold.

In essence, Dr. Søberg advocates for a deliberate, controlled, and consistent approach to cold and heat exposure, emphasizing that even small, regular doses of "healthy stress" can unlock profound physiological and psychological benefits, helping to "rewire" our bodies and minds for greater health and resilience.