The Unavoidable Nature and Psychological Purpose of Comparison
Social comparison is an incredibly pervasive and common phenomenon, described as a universal topic that never stops. The core problem is not how to stop comparing yourself to others, but rather how to change the nature of that comparison and manage it better. Comparison is constantly relative, meaning that satisfaction often depends on who is around you; for instance, making $70,000 a year feels great unless your best friend makes $90,000. Although comparison causes suffering, it quietly serves a hidden psychological purpose. However, chronically experiencing negative social comparison is linked to stress disorders, higher stress hormones, inflammation, depression, and anxiety. There is no evidence that reaching a certain level of wisdom, success, or enlightenment will make an individual stop comparing themselves to others. True wisdom, exemplified by figures like the Dalai Lama, lies in being aware of the comparison and choosing not to identify with it, recognizing it as transitory. Isolating oneself is not a solution, as cutting off social contact merely replaces the problem of insecurity with the problem of loneliness and isolation. The comparison never stops, and there is no end to it.
Evolutionary Roots and Emotional Regulation
The tendency to compare is rooted in evolutionary history, going back hundreds of thousands if not millions of years to ancient ancestors. Status obsession in primate societies determined access to mates, food, and protection from the group, highlighting the strong survival motivation behind comparison. The human brain evolved as a "social computer" (or "social radar") constantly processing environmental and social information to assess an individual's standing in the hierarchy. Accurately assessing your rank is crucial for survival; overestimating status risks challenging an alpha, while underestimating status risks missing social opportunities. This entire machinery operates on a very unconscious level and is inherently involuntary.
Our minds possess an emotional toolkit dedicated to regulating status and comparison. These emotions are grouped into three categories:
- Status Promotion Emotions: Includes pride, envy, admiration, and moral indignation (used to signal status or strive for what others have).
- Status Protection and Repair Emotions: Includes shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humility (used after a status-lowering event to elicit empathy and preserve status).
- Status Stabilizing Emotions: Includes contempt (used to mark norm violation and bring others down a peg) and gratitude.
When taken to extremes, chronic status promotion emotions are associated with grandiose narcissism, while chronic status protection emotions are associated with vulnerable narcissism.
Philosophical Perspectives on Comparison
Philosophers have historically wrestled with managing social comparison, leading to a wide contrast between Eastern and Western thought.
- Confucianism: Accepted the status hierarchy as reality, emphasizing that every individual has a role to play in contributing to social harmony, regardless of their position (e.g., scrubbing the floor serves an important purpose).
- Buddhism: Views comparison as a form of attachment to external illusion, which invites suffering (duka). It advocates for mudita (sympathetic joy), encouraging individuals to use comparison as an opportunity to feel happiness for others.
- Aristotle: Identified humans as a "political animal" (zuon politikon) that must navigate comparison within a community. He defined two types: Phthonos (envy), which is toxic, and Zalos (emulation), which is healthy and serves as inspiration for self-improvement. Aristotle asserted that the megalos psychos (great-souled person) only compares themselves honorably for reasons of inspiration and motivation.
- Stoicism: Popularized the prescriptive advice to compare oneself against one's past self or ideal self rather than against others.
- Existentialism: Sartre posited that comparison is unavoidable, as the awareness of being observed by others forces the creation of a self-identity. However, individuals retain the freedom to decide what that comparison means and whether or not it ultimately defines who they are.
Social Comparison Theory and Psychological Mechanics
Psychology formalized comparison, viewing it as an opportunity for personal growth and improvement.
- William James's Equation: Self-esteem is equal to success divided by pretensions (achievements divided by expectations). Low self-esteem often results from setting unreasonable expectations or failing to achieve things one can be proud of.
- The Competitive Advantage: People tend to perform tasks better, faster, and more consistently when they are competing or participating with others (a largely unconscious benefit).
- Upward Comparison (Superior others): Whether comparing upward is healthy (inspiring) or unhealthy (demoralizing) depends on the perception of attainability. If the admired person's success seems within reach ("I think I can do it too"), it is motivating; if the person seems too perfect, it makes you feel worse. Celebrating boundary-breaking figures (e.g., Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey) increases the self-efficacy of the entire population they represent.
- Downward Comparison (Inferior others): This is useful for recognizing how far one has come, fostering gratitude, or learning what actions to avoid. However, it becomes unhealthy when it generates a sense of complacency ("at least I'm not as bad off as them") or breeds malicious pleasure.
- The Silver Medal Paradox: Illustrates that comparison is relative; bronze medal winners are typically happier than silver medalists, as the silver medalist compares upward (to gold) and feels regret, while the bronze medalist compares downward (to the non-medalists) and feels gratitude.
The Role of Values and Self-Efficacy
Comparison is fundamentally linked to an individual's values. The Self-Evaluation Maintenance (SEM) model shows that people evaluate others based on metrics or domains we care about and have built our identity around. If someone outperforms you in an area you value deeply, it sparks envy. Therefore, the solution is to compare yourself to better people for better reasons. Better yardsticks are internal (e.g., integrity, honesty, quality of friendship) rather than external (e.g., money, trophies), as internal metrics are within personal control.
Neuroscience confirms that the brain processes upward comparison at a neural "fork in the road," assessing whether the other person's success is a threat (envy) or an opportunity for growth (admiration). Factors that nudge the brain toward the adaptive, growth path include: perceiving the achievement as attainable (self-efficacy), possessing strong self-security or self-esteem, the closeness of the target (comparing to peers rather than distant celebrities), and the framing of the comparison as a chance to learn or grow. Measuring your current self against your past self (Temporal comparison) is a healthier strategy that leads to greater motivation. This self-comparison is increasingly enabled by digital platforms that track individual skill and performance over time (gamification).
Comparison in the Digital Age
Digital technology has fundamentally changed comparison, making it global, constant, and highly curated. Social media platforms create a "leaderboard society" with public metrics like likes and followers, which causes amplification effects that the brain is not evolved to handle. Algorithms actively push content that forces comparison and indignation, operating as a massive ad engine that weaponizes feelings of inadequacy. Online interactions erode social boundaries, subjecting users to constant upward comparison, as the brain struggles to distinguish between peers and non-peers (like celebrities). The initial intention of social media (connecting everybody digitally) is often what causes negative effects, especially for young people who primarily use it for socializing and are exposed only to their peers' "highlight reels". A massive, underappreciated consequence of digital life is the permanence of digital records, where past mistakes can be recorded and brought back up years later, leading to increased risk aversion among young people who self-censor and isolate themselves. The shift towards the "For You" feed (media over social) may be decreasing generalized global comparison but localizing comparison to specific domains of interest (e.g., podcasting, music), making it easier to judge oneself against hyper-successful peers in those niches.
Adaptive Strategies for Healthy Comparison
The overall goal is to compare in a way that allows you to learn and improve, steering away from comparison that leads to judging and condemning.
- Choose Better Values: Intentionally select internal yardsticks (e.g., integrity, friendship quality) over external metrics (e.g., money, golf trophies) as the foundation for evaluation.
- Cultivate Curiosity: Instead of immediately jumping to a conclusion or verdict when comparison arises, approach the situation with curiosity. Ask why a person achieved their success, or dig deeper to understand the underlying value that is triggering envy or admiration.
- Focus on Higher Priorities: To overcome the anxiety of comparison and the need for approval, an individual must have something in their life that is more important than what others think of them (e.g., mission, personal commitments).
Comparison is a skill issue; it is not about stopping the innate behavior, but learning how to manage it well.