The Need for Emotion Education and Vocabulary
Only about one in five adults can name more than three emotions they feel regularly, indicating a widespread lack of emotion education. Emotion education involves building emotion skills from preschool through the workplace. The foundational principle is that people must "name it to tame it" or "label it to regulate it". If individuals do not truly know how they feel and why, it is impossible to support them in managing their emotions.
A key skill is distinguishing between similar emotions, which helps determine the appropriate action. For example:
- Anger is typically associated with perceived injustice, while disappointment relates to unmet expectations.
- Anxiety concerns uncertainty about the future. Stress is having too many demands with insufficient resources. Pressure involves a significant stake dependent upon one's action or behavior.
- Envy is wanting what another person possesses, whereas jealousy is fearing that someone else getting something will take it away from you.
Emotional Intelligence and the RULER Model
Emotional intelligence is defined as using your feelings wisely to achieve your goals; it is goal-oriented and functional. The RULER model outlines five key skills for developing emotional intelligence:
- Recognizing emotions in oneself and others.
- Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions.
- Labeling emotions precisely.
- Expressing emotions appropriately (knowing how and when to express them with different people and cultures).
- Regulating emotions (the highest level skill, dealing with one's own and others' feelings).
The capacity to manage frustration, anxiety, and disappointment is crucial for achieving success, often outweighing creativity or general intelligence.
Emotional Regulation as the New Definition of Success
Emotion regulation is the culmination of emotional intelligence skills. Dr. Brackett suggests that emotion regulation should be the new definition of success, arguing that without the ability to manage one's own nervous system and support the regulation of others' emotions (especially in leadership roles), mental health and goal attainment suffer.
Regulation is a set of goals and strategies. The goals (PRIME) include: Preventing unwanted emotions, Reducing them in the moment, Initiating desired emotions (e.g., to create an appropriate emotional climate for a meeting), Maintaining positive emotions (like flow), and Enhancing emotions. Effective regulation involves planning ahead; it should occur *before* showing up to a stressful event, rather than just reacting in the moment.
It is critical to note that regulation strategies must be tailored based on three factors: the specific emotion felt, the person's personality (e.g., introvert vs. extrovert), and the context.
The Dangers of Suppression and Avoidance
Historically, emotions were often undervalued or equated with being "hysterical," leading to the belief that they should be suppressed. However, suppressing emotions is biologically impossible and acts like a debt that grows larger. Suppression leads to negative outcomes, including stomach problems, physical and mental health issues, avoidance, denial, overeating, drinking too much alcohol, increased shame, regret, and self-hatred. Instead of suppression, the goal is to use emotions wisely.
The common belief, particularly among men, is that expressing emotions like anxiety or fear is a sign of weakness; this often leads to "second order emotions," such as feeling bitterness or resentment about one's shame or anxiety. True strength requires bravery to feel and engage with emotions, rather than suppressing them.
Framework for Emotional Integration and Change
To integrate emotions more healthfully, one must adopt several key practices:
- Give Permission to Feel: Acknowledge that feelings (even anger or anxiety) are real and okay, without immediate judgment.
- Shift Mindsets: Recognize that there is no such thing as a bad emotion. Also, adopt a growth mindset—everyone can learn to regulate better; one is not born destined to be poorly regulated.
- Learn and Practice Strategies: Use knowledge to unlearn bad habits. This includes mindfulness breathing (deactivating the nervous system) and productive self-talk/reappraisal (cognitive strategies) to foster self-compassion and acknowledge the impermanence of difficult feelings.
- Utilize Emotional Allies: We are built to be social creatures and should not worry alone. People are most desperate to be around those who are non-judgmental, good listeners, and show empathy/compassion.
- Address Physical Well-being: Sleep habits, nutrition, and physical activity directly correlate with the ability to regulate emotions effectively, as regulation requires effort.
- Develop a Regulated Identity: Identify as a person who is a master at managing emotions, rather than identifying as an anxious or irritable person.
Challenging Emotions and Concepts
The most challenging emotions to work with are the self-conscious emotions, such as shame, because they often center on diminished self-worth. Shame often stems from believing external judgment or gaslighting (when someone else defines your reality for you, e.g., "you're just too sensitive"), rather than being self-imposed.
It is important to differentiate between self-awareness and self-indulgence: the goal is not to ruminate by checking feelings 500 times a day, but to be an "emotion scientist" who checks in strategically to ensure the current emotional state is helpful for achieving the goal.
Furthermore, one must understand the nuance of emotional language: an emotion is an automatic, whole-life response to a stimulus; a feeling is a private, subjective experience; a mood is longer in duration and less intense; and a disposition is a general tendency. We only need to regulate when a feeling is intense or prolonged enough to interfere with relationships, learning, decisions, or performance.
Also see Why Do Humans Actually Have Emotions? - Chris Williamson with Dr Laith Al-Shawaf