Rob Henderson holds a PhD in psychology from the University of Cambridge and is a Senior Fellow at the Manhattan Institute. Chris Williamson and Rob Henderson dissect the recent cultural trend—inspired by a Vogue article—asking if "having a boyfriend is cringe now", analyzing this trend through the lenses of evolutionary psychology, intra-sexual competition, and social status dynamics.
Proximate vs. Ultimate Explanations of Relationship Avoidance
The conversation distinguishes between the stated reasons (proximate) for discouraging relationships and the underlying evolutionary motives (ultimate):
- The Proximate (Stated) Reasons: High-status women and influencers who discourage relationships often articulate reasons such as not wanting to seem boastful, showing solidarity with single women, and acknowledging the difficulty of the current dating market. This behavior often appears driven by an "influencer first perspective," where their standing with other women, particularly online, is the most important currency.
- The Ultimate (Hidden) Motives: This phenomenon is analyzed as a form of intra-sexual competition and reproductive suppression, which occurs when women with power and status indirectly suppress the ability of other women to find partners and reproduce, a concept dubbed "girl boss gatekeeping". The aim is to reduce competition for the scarce resource of desirable male partners.
Social Status and The "Cringe" Currency
The perceived embarrassment around relationships is tied heavily to online status and how women are judged by other women:
- Content becomes "boring" or "bland" when a woman is in a relationship, prioritizing her real life enjoyment over an exciting online life. The most exciting female persona online is often perceived as one who is single and available.
- Posting about a relationship can lead to losing followers, including male "parasocial orbiters" and female followers who feel uncomfortable or envious of the success.
- Relationships are increasingly framed as "brand collaborations" rather than genuine, meaningful connections.
- The idea that having a boyfriend makes one "politically suspect" or "conservative" suggests that commitment is viewed as contrary to modern progressive ideals.
The Inner Citadel and Evasion of Envy
Behavioral psychology offers two key motives for downplaying relationship success:
- The Inner Citadel: If an individual struggles to find a desired outcome (like a committed partner), they may teach themselves to not want it, leading to the rationalization that "men are trash" or relationships are "for mugs". "If you can't get what you want you must teach yourself to want what you can get."... and to not want what you can't get..
- Envy Evasion: People who have desirable outcomes (like a good partner or wealth) may hide or minimize their good fortune to avoid being targeted by envy or hate from their social group or online audience.
Subtle Forms of Intra-Sexual Competition
Competition among women is characterized as subtle, indirect, and often disguised using positive social language:
- The "Bless Her Heart" Effect: Negative gossip or discouragement is cloaked in the language of kindness or concern (e.g., expressing concern for a friend's dating habits rather than openly criticizing her).
- Focus on Red Flags: Online discourse heavily focuses on "red flags" and reasons not to pursue a relationship, rather than promoting "green flags" or things to chase.
- Women high in intra-sexual competition are more likely to advise sexual rivals to adopt habits that reduce attractiveness to men, such as advising them to cut off long hair (which is reliably preferred by men as a sign of fertility).
Luxury Beliefs and Fertility Suppression
The messaging from elite individuals promotes ideals that may suppress fertility among subordinate women:
- The Parenting Cost Barrier: Elite women define successful motherhood and family life using extremely expensive requirements (e.g., costly weddings, private bedrooms for children, expensive extracurriculars, high-cost college tuition). This aspirational standard introduces stress among lower-income women, who may opt against reproduction if they feel they cannot meet these expectations.
- The Career Paradox: Influential progressives often criticize capitalism but simultaneously promote the career as the highest priority for young women, implicitly defining family prioritization as a failure.
- Elite women maintain their options through resources (egg freezing, expensive fertility treatments, surrogacy) that are unavailable to lower-status women.
The Swag Gap and Changing Male Roles
The new focus on the "swag gap", where one partner (often the woman) is much more stylish/cool than the other, reflects shifting socioeconomic dynamics:
- Trade-off Failure: Historically, women tolerated a man's lack of "swag" because he provided resources and financial stability (e.g., Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin archetypes). When men start falling behind in education and occupation, this trade-off becomes less viable, and men may need to compensate by improving their appearance.
- Counter-Signaling: For high-status men (like celebrities), dressing down (wearing hoodies and Crocs) can be a form of counter-signaling, indicating that their status is so high they don't need to conform to aesthetic standards. Non-elite men who attempt this (the "Bieberfication") may find it unsuccessful if they lack the underlying socioeconomic status.