A nice clip from The Diary of a CEO on personal responsibility, fault vs responsibility and transition:
Distinguishing Responsibility from Fault
The core of this point lies in understanding that personal responsibility is not the same as fault. Matthew explains that while there are many things in life that are genuinely not our fault—such as trauma, injustice, or difficult circumstances—we can still take responsibility for how these situations affect us and how we choose to respond.
Steven Bartlett highlights this by referencing Lewis Howes, who exemplifies extreme ownership by stating, "and that's on me", even when discussing situations that appear to be someone else's fault. This isn't about blaming oneself for events outside of one's control, but rather about taking charge of one's internal state and actions in response to those events.
The Empowerment of Taking Responsibility
By adopting this mindset, individuals move from a position of powerlessness to one of empowerment. If you believe you are powerless and have no responsibility over how you feel, then you also cannot improve your situation. However, by taking responsibility for your response, you gain a "shot at feeling better about this thing" and a "chance of improving it".
Matthew emphasises curiosity over judgment in this process. Instead of dwelling on who is to blame, the focus shifts to: "how can I handle this in a better way, in a more productive way?". This perspective allows one to turn difficult experiences into opportunities for growth and resilience.
The "Chef and Ingredients" Analogy
This principle is beautifully illustrated by the "chef and ingredients" analogy. Imagine life as a cooking show where each chef is given a different "basket of ingredients". These ingredients represent your circumstances, innate abilities, and past experiences—some may be "truffle salt and caviar," while others might be "kelp jerky".
- Mourning Your Ingredients vs. Being the Best Chef: Matthew points out that we often spend too much time "mourning our ingredients"—being upset or frustrated about what we've been given. This includes comparing our "basket" to others, which is "insidious" and can "drive down performance, belief, confidence".
- Focus on What You Can Control: The analogy shifts the focus from the unfairness of the ingredients (what isn't your fault) to your skill as a "chef" (what you can control). The show isn't about who has the best ingredients, but about "how great a chef you are" and "what are you able to do with what you have".
- Taking Pride in Your Craft: Even if your ingredients "suck," the pride comes from taking what you have and making something extraordinary out of it. This perspective is an "antidote to whatever happens" because a great chef "can cook something out of whatever you have".
How to Use This to Improve One's Life
- Shift Focus from Blame to Response: When something negative occurs, instead of asking "Whose fault is this?" or "Why me?", ask yourself, "How is this affecting me, and what responsibility can I take for my emotional state and my next actions?".
- Accept Your Starting Point: Recognise and accept your current "ingredients" – your present circumstances, strengths, weaknesses, and past traumas. As Matthew suggests, "I'm starting from where I am, forget starting from when you were a baby".
- Cultivate Creativity and Resourcefulness: Embrace the challenge of making the most of what you have. This fosters resilience and creativity, allowing you to "make something amazing" even with difficult "ingredients".
- Extract Wisdom from Trauma: Even traumatic experiences, which are certainly not your fault, can be viewed as sources of "invaluable lessons and wisdom". The painful lessons learned can be "essential for something you've yet to experience". By accepting the wisdom gained, you become more robust in dealing with future challenges.
- Reduce Self-Imposed Stress: By focusing on what you can control (being the best chef) rather than what you cannot (the ingredients you're given), you can significantly reduce self-imposed stress that often arises from comparing yourself to others or lamenting past events.
In essence, embracing personal responsibility, not fault, empowers you to stop being a victim of your circumstances and instead become the master of your response, turning challenges into catalysts for growth and a more fulfilling life.
Action Points From the Full Interview
- Identify Your "Emotional Buttons" for Happiness: Actively observe and write down the simple things that genuinely make you feel peaceful, connected, or happy. Create a "formula" or a list of "emotional buttons"—specific ideas, thoughts, videos, or even people—that can instantly trigger these positive feelings. Reviewing these can help you reconnect with what's important at the start of your day.
- Reconnect with Your "Why": Don't get dragged through life by external pressures or the "curse of excellence." Regularly ask yourself why your actions are meaningful to you, fostering an "inside of the moment" feeling rather than being an outside observer of your own life.
- Create Passion Where You Are: Instead of constantly seeking passion in new jobs or environments, make an effort to find what's exciting and create passion within your current circumstances.
- Embrace Personal Responsibility (Not Fault): Practice extreme ownership by taking responsibility for how a situation affects you, even if the situation itself wasn't your fault. This empowers you to improve your emotional state and response, rather than feeling powerless.
- Aspire to be the Best "Chef": Accept your current "ingredients"—your circumstances, innate talents, and past traumas—and focus on making the most of them. Take pride in your ability to create something extraordinary with what you've been given, rather than comparing your "basket" to others.
- Practice Self-Compassion: When facing chronic pain, emotional distress, or simply an overwhelming day, learn to slow down and practice immense self-compassion. Let go of self-judgment and unrealistic expectations, allowing yourself to be in that difficult state without adding further stress.
- Implement Daily "Criteria for Happiness": Distil your understanding of a "good life" into a few key, broad criteria that you aim to meet daily. Matthew's personal formula includes Create, Move, Learn, Connect, Appreciate, and Contribute. By focusing on these intrinsic, controllable actions, you can reduce self-imposed stress and feel more fulfilled.
- Cultivate Genuine Vulnerability: In relationships, move beyond "PR versions" of vulnerability. Take a risk by sharing authentic insecurities, anxieties, or true feelings when appropriate, even if it feels uncomfortable. This fosters deeper connection and helps attract partners who value true authenticity. However, avoid "offloading" all your wounds instantly in early dating; start with smaller, genuine acts of vulnerability like sharing passions or giving compliments.
- Choose Partners for Who They Are Now: Avoid approaching relationships with a "fixing" mentality or choosing someone as a "project". Instead, be at peace with who a person is today before committing, and don't compromise your authentic self in early dating to "oil the joints" of romance, as this leads to resentment.
- Practice Curiosity, Not Judgement: When faced with differences in a partner, be curious rather than immediately judgmental. Seek to understand why they like or do certain things, as this can reveal deeper connections and shared values beneath surface differences, preventing you from prematurely dismissing potentially great people.
- Embrace "Settling On": Let go of the myth of "the one" and the fear of making the wrong commitment. Instead, consciously "settle on" a relationship, career, or place to live, and then actively invest your energy into making it the best it can be. This voluntary commitment fosters enjoyment and deepens your experience.
- Cultivate Trust and Openness: Actively work to dissolve the "dark side" of suspicion and distrust. Open yourself up to acts of kindness and genuine friendships that are not driven by an agenda. Choose to be someone who trusts people, even if some may take advantage, as this fosters crucial connections.