Re-evaluating Love and Relationships (Beyond Romanticism)
Challenge the ideal of "the one": The belief in a single perfect soulmate often leads to disappointment and rage. Instead, a good relationship is built on accepting the inherent "wrongness" and flawed nature of your partner and yourself.
Understand that love is a skill, not just an emotion: Romanticism has conditioned us to believe love is purely a feeling, but it requires continuous learning, effort, and practical skills. Concepts that may seem "unromantic" (like studying love or discussing mundane issues) are often crucial for a relationship's flourishing.
Recognize the influence of childhood patterns: We are not entirely free in our adult love choices, as we are often drawn to partners and relationship dynamics that echo our childhood experiences, even if those experiences were not happy or healthy. Awareness of these "tracks" laid down in childhood is the first step towards changing them.
The widespread belief that all calories are metabolically equivalent, and that weight gain or loss is solely determined by balancing "calories in versus calories out," is a misconception. This simplified view is often exploited by the food industry to deflect responsibility for rising rates of obesity and chronic disease.
While a calorie burned by the body is a consistent unit of energy, a calorie consumed has widely varied metabolic effects depending on its source and composition.
Impact of Food Composition on Calorie Absorption and Utilisation
Fibre's Role: Fibre, encompassing both soluble and insoluble types (e.g., present in almonds), forms a gel-like barrier in the intestine that hinders the complete absorption of calories. These unabsorbed calories then serve as nourishment for the gut microbiome, which in turn produces beneficial short-chain fatty acids (such as acetate, propionate, and butyrate). These fatty acids are anti-inflammatory and offer protection against metabolic diseases and even Alzheimer's.
Protein's Thermic Effect: The body expends more energy to metabolise protein compared to carbohydrates or fats. For example, when consuming a high-protein meal, approximately 25% of its caloric value might be used up in the metabolic processing, meaning fewer net calories contribute to the body's energy balance.
Fat Quality Matters: Not all fats are created equal; their biological effects vary significantly. Omega-3 fatty acids, crucial for heart and brain health, are primarily used for their structural and anti-inflammatory roles rather than immediate energy. In stark contrast, trans fats are considered "consumable poison" because the body lacks the enzymes to effectively break their double bonds. This leads to their accumulation, lining arteries and the liver, contributing to chronic metabolic diseases and insulin resistance. While largely removed from ultra-processed foods, trans fats can still be formed by heating certain oils beyond their smoking point.
Prioritise Well-being and Enjoyment for Sustainable Productivity
Make healthy habits enjoyable and easy by aligning what you "should" do with what feels good. Automate processes to remove willpower from the equation and ask yourself, "What would this be like if it was easier?" or "What would this look like if it were fun?" Feeling good broadens your actions, builds resources, boosts creativity, and reduces stress, which are all crucial for sustained high performance.
Focus on *what* you work on, not just *how hard* you work. The right strategic decision can lead to a 10x outcome without working significantly harder. Productivity is about intentionally and effectively doing what matters to you, ideally in an enjoyable way.
Embrace the present moment and optimize for the journey. Don't wait for stress and worry to disappear to be happy; problems are a feature of life, not a bug. Instead of "fast-forwarding" through experiences, practise gratitude and remember "these are the golden years" to cultivate joy and presence.
The quality of your life is fundamentally determined by the quality of your relationships, including romantic partnerships, friendships, and family ties. These connections are crucial for well-being and a sense of meaning. Relationships are often not taken seriously, sometimes dismissed as "soft skills" in the business world. However, neglecting them, such as giving your best at work and only the "leftovers" at home, leads to degradation and an unfulfilling life. People wouldn't treat their businesses with such complacency, and similarly, relationships cannot thrive without sustained effort and attention. Importantly, this is the first time in history that the survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple; investing in the couple preserves the family unit.
People tend to respect you in proportion to how much you respect yourself. A constant need to impress or prove oneself often leads to less respect from others. Instead, genuine self-respect naturally leads to actions of high integrity and value, which then earns respect.
Confidence is not an expectation of success, but a comfort with failure. Truly confident individuals are comfortable with the possibility of things going wrong and are willing to live with the consequences.
People unconsciously gauge how they should feel about you by observing your self-perception. A strong sense of self-worth will be detected and influence how others treat you.
Avoid confusing self-respect with selfishness. Selfish behaviour is often an overcompensation for a lack of self-respect. True self-respect is a state of being satisfied with who you are, without needing to prove anything to anyone.
Social neediness signals to others that you might be a resource drain, leading to a visceral desire to keep distance.
Arthur Brooks is a social scientist, professor at Harvard University, columnist for The Atlantic, and bestselling author. In this episode, Arthur returns to the podcast to discuss his new book, Build the Life You Want. He delves into the nuanced concept of happiness, differentiating between momentary feelings and overall wellbeing. He explains the importance of understanding one’s personality pattern with respect to positive and negative emotions in order to better self-manage emotions. He delves into the three key elements of happiness, offering practical strategies for enhancing those specific domains through methods such as metacognition, transcendent experiences, discipline, minimizing self-focus while directing attention outward, and more. Through personal examples, Arthur demonstrates that one can actively track well-being levels and take intentional steps to cultivate happiness and enhance overall well-being.
Distinguishing Happiness from Feelings
Happiness is not the same as happy feelings. Feelings are merely **evidence of happiness**, not the phenomenon itself. Mistaking these feelings for happiness can lead to a futile pursuit, making one feel "managed" by their emotions rather than managing them.
Happy and unhappy feelings can coexist in parallel. Our brains are evolutionarily wired to prioritise negative emotions (fear, anger, disgust, sadness) for survival, as they demand immediate attention. These four negative emotions are considered fundamental building blocks of emotional life, produced by the limbic system. For example, fear and anger are responses to threats, disgust prevents ingestion of pathogens, and sadness signals social exclusion or separation from loved ones, crucial for tribal survival. Positive emotions, like joy and interest, are also evolutionarily advantageous, rewarding desirable actions such as finding food or learning.
Humans possess the unique ability of **metacognition**, allowing us to experience and control aversive emotions through the prefrontal cortex, rather than solely the limbic system. This enables us to find enjoyment in experiences that other species would simply find aversive, such as cold plunges or spicy food.
Evolution primarily favours **survival and gene propagation**, not necessarily happiness. Often, cultivating happiness requires consciously acting against our natural, limbic impulses.
Hal Hershfield is a psychologist who studies the emotional connection we have to our “future selves.” He talks with Maya about tactics we can use to strengthen this connection, and why it matters.
Understanding the "Collection of Selves"
Neuroscientific studies indicate that the brain activity observed when thinking about one's future self is more akin to the brain activity associated with thinking about others. This suggests that, on a neural level, your future self is perceived as a distinct individual.
From a psychological standpoint, we do not inherently view ourselves as a single, unchanging entity over time. Instead, the concept of identity over time is better captured by understanding that we are a collection of separate selves, including a current version and future versions existing years down the line.
A potential downside to perceiving the future self as a distinct entity is a reduction in empathy towards that future self. This diminished empathy is reflected in studies where people express less happiness for future rewards, suggesting future emotions feel more muted. Psychologically, people may also instinctively describe their future self's actions using a third-person perspective ("he is eating") rather than the first-person ("I am eating"), further highlighting this mental distancing.
This lack of empathy for the future self might be partly attributed to present bias, a tendency to overvalue immediate gratification and undervalue future outcomes, which historically made sense when life expectancy was shorter.
A “drop-dead shocker” (Washington Post Book World) that uses evolutionary psychology to explain human mating and the mysteries of love If we all want love, why is there so much conflict in our most cherished relationships? To answer this question, we must look into our evolutionary past, argues prominent psychologist David M. Buss. Based one of the largest studies of human mating ever undertaken, encompassing more than 10,000 people of all ages from thirty-seven cultures worldwide, The Evolution of Desire is the first work to present a unified theory of human mating behavior. Drawing on a wide range of examples of mating behavior — from lovebugs to elephant seals, from the Yanomamö tribe of Venezuela to online dating apps — Buss reveals what women want, what men want, and why their desires radically differ. Love has a central place in human sexual psychology, but conflict, competition, and manipulation also pervade human mating — something we must confront in order to control our own mating destiny.
Mating Strategies are Evolved Psychological Mechanisms
At its core, the book argues that human mating is not a random or purely culturally determined process. Instead, it is guided by a set of evolved psychological mechanisms that have been shaped by natural and sexual selection over millions of years. These "strategies" are the solutions our ancestors devised to the recurring problems of reproduction, such as selecting a fertile and healthy mate, ensuring parental investment, and fending off rivals.
Are we our own worst enemies when it comes to romance? What if instead, we dated like a scientist, using equations and analysis, rather than feelings and attraction to find love. In this new episode Steven sits down with dating coach and behavioural scientist, Logan Ury. Logan is a behavioural expert, dating coach and Director of Relationship Science at the dating app, Hinge. She is also the author of the book, ‘How To Not Die Alone’, which outlines the scientific theories she uses with her clients to help them find love.
Rethink Your Approach to Finding Love
Understand that you may think you know what you want, but you're often wrong. Many people struggle with modern dating because it's a relatively new phenomenon, and we aren't born knowing how to date.
Challenge the idea of "the spark" (initial chemistry and fireworks) as it often leads to relationships that burn out. Instead, seek a "slow burn" with someone who will make a great long-term partner.
Recognise that if you are single and don't want to be, you are likely choosing a set of problems through your patterns and blind spots. Your goal should be to get out of your own way and develop new habits.
Avoid "dating for entertainment," such as seeking funny "horror stories," and instead focus on dating for genuine connection.
Dr Chris Palmer is Director of the Department of Postgraduate and Continuing Education at McLean Hospital, Massachusetts and an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He shares some of the profound insights he's gained over almost 30 years as an academic psychiatrist. He combines years of clinical, neuroscience and metabolic studies into one unifying idea: that mental disorders are not caused by a chemical imbalance.
Limitations of Current Mental Health Paradigms
The mental health field is currently struggling to understand the exact causes of mental illness.
Many existing treatments, such as antidepressants, primarily offer symptomatic relief rather than a cure or full remission. These medications often lead to chronic conditions, requiring dose adjustments or changes, and frequently leave patients with low-grade symptoms.
The belief that finding the "right pill" can achieve full remission for mental illnesses has proven discouraging and demoralising for many practitioners, as medications often stop working or are ineffective for the majority of patients.
The prevalent view among many professionals that mental illness stems from a chemical imbalance in the brain (e.g., neurotransmitter imbalances like serotonin or dopamine) is widely disputed and described as "hogwash". Research indicates that 90-95% of the body's serotonin, for example, is produced in the digestive tract, highlighting a more complex gut-brain connection.
Mental illness is not attributable to a single cause or solution; it involves multiple interacting inputs.
Dr Gabrielle Lyon is a functional medicine physician and Founder of the Institute of Muscle-Centric Medicine.
Most health advice focuses on shedding excess weight. But what if your longevity, healthspan, resilience and quality of life was more determined by gaining muscle than losing fat? This isn't a bodybuilder's coping strategy, it's new science backed by mountains of data.
Expect to learn why the quality of your life is a direct correlation to your muscle health, whether it's more dangerous to be over-fat or under-muscled, whether exercise is more important than nutrition, Gabrielle's favourite hacks for getting more protein in every day, whether protein timing matters, if it's possible to achieve this with a plant-based diet and much more...
Dating in the modern world is more fraught than ever. Men and women are finding themselves confused and lost as they try to make sense of a mating landscape which becomes ever more difficult to navigate.
Expect to learn why Sadia’s Instagram has been banned 3 times, why nice guys have such a hard time in relationships, whether men and women can actually be friends, whether hot women tend to be crazier, how to stop being a jealous partner, whether body count actually matters, why married couples cheat, what Love Island is doing to our view of romance and much more...
Cognitive decline is not an inevitable part of aging; while it does occur on average, you can significantly change its trajectory.
The brain, much like muscles, can adapt, make new connections, and even generate new cells in certain areas (like the hippocampus) if challenged.
Stop telling yourself the story that your brain's function is beyond your control because of age, as this is "not true".
Understand that age-related dementia, which is what most people fear, is influenced by environment, genetics, lifestyle, and general health, and is different from early-onset Alzheimer's.
Cognitive decline often starts much earlier in life, possibly in your 20s or 30s, driven by a lack of continuous mental challenge rather than an uncontrollable biological process.
View the brain's capacity like physical "headroom"; as function declines, your maximum capacity approaches what you do daily, leading to cognitive frailty where there is "no extra capacity".
Melissa Kearney is a University of Maryland economist professor, author of "The Two-Parent Advantage," known for her research in the field of economic demography. Declining marriage and birth rates frequently dominate discussions about the future of society, but what is the impact of separated parents on the kids who grow up in these homes? Melissa has spent years assessing the data, and her findings are absolutely terrifying.
The Decline of Two-Parent Households: A Societal Crisis
Kearney details a significant societal shift in the United States and other high-income countries: the decline in marriage rates and the corresponding rise in single-parent households. This trend is particularly pronounced outside the college-educated class, leading to a "two-parent privilege" where having a two-parent household has become an advantage primarily for highly educated, high-income individuals. For instance, only 12% of births to mothers with a four-year college degree are outside marriage, compared to more than half for women without a college degree. This disparity holds true across major racial and ethnic groups in the U.S., with the notable exception of Asian Americans, who maintain exceptionally high rates of two-parent households regardless of education or income. The decline is driven by a decoupling of marriage from the act of having and raising children, not by an increase in divorce rates (which are actually down conditional on marriage) or a rise in births among young or teen women (teen childbearing has plummeted by over 70% since the mid-1990s).
The Problem with Over-Parenting and the "Checklisted Childhood"
Julie Lythcott-Haims, the former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford, highlights a concerning trend in modern parenting where parents are so involved in their children's lives that they are "messing up kids" and "impeding their chances to develop into theirselves". While parental involvement is generally positive, an extreme form of over-parenting can be harmful. This style, which she refers to as a "checklisted childhood," involves parents constantly protecting, preventing, hovering, micromanaging, and steering their children towards a "small subset of colleges and careers".
A "checklisted childhood" is characterised by a relentless pursuit of external markers of success, where children are expected to achieve perfection. This includes ensuring they attend the "right schools," are in the "right classes," get the "right grades," and accumulate the "right scores, accolades, awards, sports, activities, and leadership positions". Parents even encourage children to "start a club" or "check the box for community service" specifically to impress colleges. Parents become their child's "concierge and personal handler and secretary," constantly nudging, cajoling, and nagging to prevent any "screwing up" or "closing doors" to a desired future.
In Lying, author and neuroscientist Sam Harris argues that we can radically simplify our lives and improve society by merely telling the truth in situations where others often lie. He focuses on "white" lies - those lies we tell for the purpose of sparing people discomfort - for these are the lies that most often tempt us. And they tend to be the only lies that good people tell while imagining that they are being good in the process.
The Corrosive Nature of Deception
A central tenet of Harris's argument is that all lies, regardless of their perceived size or intent, are inherently damaging. He dismantles the common justifications for "white lies," asserting that they erode trust and intimacy in our relationships. When we lie to others, we create a distorted reality for them, preventing them from acting on the truth. This can lead to decisions based on false premises, ultimately causing more harm than the truth might have.
Harris emphasises that lying also harms the liar. It complicates our lives by forcing us to maintain a web of deceit, which is mentally taxing and emotionally draining. Furthermore, every lie we tell chips away at our own integrity, creating a dissonance between our actions and our values. This internal conflict can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth and authenticity.
The YouTube video "8 Clear Signs Someone Is Gaslighting You (with examples)" from the channel "Charisma on Command" explains gaslighting as a dangerous form of emotional abuse where an individual manipulates another into doubting their own reality. This manipulation allows the abuser to get away with behaviour that would typically be unacceptable in a relationship. It is crucial to remember that gaslighting is a **pattern of behaviour**, and observing these signs repeatedly, rather than just once, is a key indicator.
Eight Signs Someone Is Gaslighting You
Attacking Your Sanity: The most obvious sign is when someone directly attacks your mental state. They might use phrases like "you're being paranoid," "you're making this all up," or "this is all in your head". This is often used to avoid admitting wrongdoing.
Rewriting the Past: Gaslighters frequently deny what they said or claim you are misremembering events. Examples include phrases like "I never said that" or "you're misremembering". This tactic is effective because it's difficult to have complete conviction in your memory days after a conversation. If you find yourself constantly doubting your memories or feeling the need to take notes to keep track, you might be a victim of this behaviour.
Talk to the person you love: It's crucial to remember that you are speaking to the person you love the most in the world.
Mind your language: Avoid using "colorful" or hurtful language that aims to "win" by slamming the other person, as this is not conducive to a blissful marriage.
Tone and body language matter: Nonverbal communication, including tone and body language, is highly significant. Rolling your eyes, for example, can be highly disrespectful and provoke a negative reaction.
Don't weaponise insecurities: You likely understand your spouse's insecurities better than anyone. Using these vulnerabilities against them is a form of betrayal, as it tells them not to be open or vulnerable with you in the future, leading to emotional hardening. For women, belittling your husband or making him feel weak will cause him to close off a vital part of himself. The husband is meant to be a source of safety, and using insecurities as a weapon compromises this.
The YouTube video features Professor Thomas Seyfried, who discusses how his understanding of cancer has evolved over decades of study. He highlights that cancer, alongside other chronic diseases like type 2 diabetes and Alzheimer's disease, has seen a relentless increase in incidence over the last 50 to 70 years. This rise is largely attributed to changes in our Western Civilization diet and lifestyle, including more environmental contaminants, less exercise, and diets rich in poorly nutritious carbohydrates.
TLDR: A very low carb diet could help prevent the development of cancers.
Key Insights into Cancer's Origins and Nature
Increasing Incidence: In 1995, the rate of cancer was one in four people; today, it is one in two. Most epidemiologists believe cancer is on track to overtake heart disease as the leading cause of death in various countries.
Beyond Separate Diseases: Western medical training often treats diseases as distinct entities. However, Professor Seyfried argues that the increase in chronic diseases (cancer, type 2 diabetes, Alzheimer's) points to a common underlying issue: a departure from metabolic homeostasis.
The Role of Mitochondria: Metabolic homeostasis, or the healthy functioning of our cells, is maintained by mitochondria, organelles within cells. When mitochondria become corrupted or dysfunctional, this problem can manifest as various chronic diseases depending on the tissue, including cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, Alzheimer's disease, and cancer. Professor Seyfried states that every major cancer he has studied shows defects in the number, structure, and function of its mitochondria.
Cancer is a Metabolic Disease: This mitochondrial dysfunction forces cancer cells to rely on a primitive form of energy generation called fermentation, leading to dysregulated cell growth. He strongly asserts that cancer is not primarily a genetic disease, but rather a metabolic disease.
Ancestral Health: Cancer was extremely rare in ancestral populations who lived traditional lifestyles. For example, Albert Schweitzer examined 40,000 Africans living traditionally and found no cancer. Similarly, Inuit populations, who once had very low rates of cancer, diabetes, and dementia, now suffer from these conditions after shifting to a Western diet and lifestyle.
Body's Natural Resistance: Our bodies are naturally very resistant to cancer. However, modern diets and lifestyles (obesity, exposure to chemicals in food, poor nutrition, lack of exercise) break down this inherent resistance.
Antifragility is the idea of putting pressure on a system, or human, the system or human actually grows bigger and stronger.
Antifragile systems are all around us. One example of this is our muscular system. We go to the gym to lift weights. By doing so we are putting pressure on our system to help it grow stronger. The human body is an antifragile system.
From a psychological perspective, antifragility comes in the form of PTG, or post-traumatic growth. After we experience a stressful event, we learn and grow to become more resilient.
Dr Anna Machin is an evolutionary anthropologist at Oxford University, a researcher into the role of fatherhood across time and an author.
The modern world has made dads surplus to requirements in many ways. The deadbeat dad is such a meme in sitcoms and cartoons now that it’s no surprise men don’t feel they have a role in child rearing. But just how important are fathers to the development of boys and girls? And what don’t we know about their impact?
Expect to learn how fathers saved the human race when babies heads got too big, whether it’s normal for dads to not feel love for their baby when it’s born, the most important ways dads can bond with their kids, whether dads are more important to girls’ or boys’ development, what pushback Anna got for writing a pro-father book and much more…
Male Inquality - Big Think with Richard Reeves
Boys and men are falling behind. This might seem surprising to some people, and maybe ridiculous to others, considering that discussions on gender disparities tend to focus on the structural challenges faced by girls and women, not boys and men.
But long-term data reveal a clear and alarming trend: In recent decades, American men have been faring increasingly worse in many areas of life, including education, workforce participation, skill acquisition, wages, and fatherhood.
Gender politics is often framed as a zero-sum game: Any effort to help men takes away from women. But in his 2022 book Of Boys and Men, journalist and Brookings Institution scholar Richard V. Reeves argues that the structural problems contributing to male malaise affect everybody, and that shying away from these tough conversations is not a productive path forward.
Is marriage dying? - Big Think with Richard Reeves
Marriage in the U.S. has fundamentally transformed over the past century. In general, women have far greater legal and economic power in marriages than they did just decades ago, and while it was once difficult for women to file for divorce, today women do so at twice the rate of men. What’s more, gay marriage has been legal in all 50 states since 2015.
Still, other aspects of marriage in the U.S. have remained remarkably unchanged. As journalist and Brookings Institution scholar Richard Reeves points out, a college-educated woman today is about just as likely to get married as her mother was — and even a bit more likely to stay married.
But the same is not true for Americans on the lower end of the socioeconomic scale. As Reeves notes in this Big Think video, it’s important for all humans to have strong and meaningful relationships, whether within the context of marriage or not. The question is how to best ensure that the most people can build those relationships.
What the sexual revolution has done to modern families - Big Think with Richard Reeves, Judith Butler and more
How has the sexual revolution reshaped our understanding of relationships and family? After the sexual liberation movement of the 1960s and 1970s began upending traditional norms, Americans started seeing greater personal freedoms and a more flexible understanding of relationships, sexuality, and family roles.
One lasting impact is that marriage is now based primarily on choice rather than societal expectations, and men are no longer always expected to be the head of the household.
But despite the clear benefits of increased egalitarianism and personal liberty, the sexual revolution arguably came with trade-offs. As journalist Louise Perry notes, one example is that far more children are being raised in broken homes today than they were decades ago, even though nearly every conceivable metric shows that it’s better for children to have married parents.
Forget "I'll be happy when...". If you can't be happy when pursuing a goal you won't be happy when you achieved it.
Expectations cause a lot of unhappiness. Often we suffer because we believe a thought that argues with reality. Reality has no concept of that something "should" have happened or someone "should" have behaved a particular way. This is simply our own personal belief, that is creating a happiness gap between reality and our imagined reality.
You don't know your future. If you are pained by external things, it is not that they disturb you, but your judgement of them that disturbs you, and it is in your power to wipe out that judgement.
The story of the Chinese farmer:
Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away. That evening, all of his neighbours came around to commiserate. They said, “We are so sorry to hear your horse has run away. This is most unfortunate.” The farmer said, “Maybe.”. The next day the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it, and in the evening everybody came back and said, “Oh, isn’t that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!” The farmer again said, “Maybe.”. The following day his son tried to break one of the horses, and while riding it, he was thrown and broke his leg. The neighbours then said, “Oh dear, that’s too bad,” and the farmer responded, “Maybe.”. The next day the conscription officers came around to conscript people into the army, and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again all the neighbours came around and said, “Isn’t that great!” Again, he said, “Maybe.”.
Harvard negotiator explains how to argue - Big Think with Dan Shapiro
Understanding Conflict and Its Nature
Acknowledge Conflict as Inevitable and Useful: Everyone experiences conflict, and while it can feel uncomfortable, it is inherently useful.
Focus on "How" Not "What": The core problem in arguments is often not the specific topic ("what" we are arguing about), but rather "how" the disagreement is approached.
Avoid the "Tribal Trap": Be aware of the tendency to discredit the opposing side, aiming to prove oneself right and silence others. This adversarial approach is unproductive.
The YouTube video "Words That Win: How To Instantly Influence Anyone (use ethically)" from the "Charisma on Command" channel details seven powerful principles of persuasion that influence decision-making, including your own, and provides ethical ways to apply them, as well as how to recognise when they are being used on you. The video credits Robert Cialdini's book Influence as a primary source for these principles.
Social Proof:
Principle: People look to others to determine the value of something or someone. If many people want something, others will also want it, even if they don't know why.
Examples: A YouTuber hiring 25 paparazzi made the street think he was a movie star, leading people to line up for selfies despite not knowing him. People might assume someone is "worth something" if they are associated with other valued individuals.
Warnings: This principle can warp your perception of someone in a closed social system (like school or office), potentially leading you to pursue relationships with people you don't actually like, or dismiss amazing people others don't value. It has limits; for example, a comedy club owner evaluating talent won't be tricked into thinking a comedian is funny just because a hired crowd laughs.
Action Points:
When meeting new people, focus on having fun and talking to everyone; seeing you interact positively with various groups makes you "magnetic".
In job recruitment, applying to multiple companies and mentioning other offers (if you have them) can make you a more attractive candidate to your dream company, leveraging social proof (and scarcity).
Productivity is About Enjoying the Journey, Not Just Getting More Done:
The truth about productivity isn't primarily about apps, perfect systems, discipline, or motivation. While these help, the "hidden secret" is learning to enjoy the journey, because "when we're having fun... productivity kind of just takes care of itself".
We rarely need motivation for enjoyable activities like watching Netflix or playing video games. Motivation is typically required for tasks that are "short-term painful for long-term gain".
Action Point: Shift your mindset to focus on finding joy in the tasks you're doing, rather than solely on the outcome or the quantity of work completed.
Distinguish Between What You Control and What You Don't:
The vast majority of what happens in the world is outside of our control, and the world is largely indifferent to our wants and needs.
Stoicism teaches that while we don't control what happens to us, we control how we respond to what happens to us. This understanding doesn't eliminate worry, but it provides a framework for managing it.
Action Point: Focus your energy and intention on where you can make a difference and where you do have control, letting go of things over which you have zero control or influence.
It's Your Opinion, Not the Event, That Upset You:
Epictetus's core teaching: "It's not things that upset us, it's our opinion about things". We make ourselves anxious; things don't make us anxious.
The world is objective; our interpretation creates "good" or "bad": As Shakespeare is quoted, "neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so." Events are objective, and we tell ourselves what they mean, making up a story about them.
Action Point: Recognise that you have control over your opinions and judgments, which means you can solve for anxiety. When faced with external events, question the story you're telling yourself about them and how that story affects your ability to act.
Regardless of the goal (from planning a craft day to building a billion-dollar company), the brain uses one common neural circuit for all goal setting, pursuit, and assessment.
This circuit involves four key brain areas:
The amygdala, associated with fear and anxiety, which motivates us to avoid punishments or failures.
The basal ganglia (specifically the ventral striatum), which includes "go" circuits for initiating action and "no-go" circuits for preventing action.
The lateral prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive functions like planning and thinking across different timescales (immediate vs. long-term goals).
The orbitofrontal cortex, which meshes emotionality with current progress and compares it to future emotional states when a goal is reached.
Prioritise Your Efforts: Dedicate 100% of your energy to what is within your control, and 0% to what isn't. Worrying about things outside your control is pointless as it doesn't affect the outcome.
Control Your Response: While you cannot control events, you can control how you respond to them. This is how you move forward; great leaders and individuals focus on their response.
Don't Make Problems Worse: Avoid bemoaning or complaining about problems, as this makes them worse. Focus on what you can control and the good in the situation.
Core Concept: Amor Fati means not just accepting, but loving and embracing everything that happens to you, including adversity. It's about taking the things that happen, whatever they may be, and using them to your advantage.
Beyond Resignation: Acceptance, in the Stoic sense, is not defeatist or resigned. Instead, it's the first crucial step in being able to respond to challenges and turn them into something great.
Analogy: Marcus Aurelius's idea that "what you throw in front of a fire is fuel for the fire" illustrates this concept – both good and bad events can fuel your growth.
Life as it Is: Amor Fati involves accepting life as it is, with its inherent pain, adversity, failure, and the certainty of death and loss. To resist or be angry about these realities means to not love life itself.
Action Point: Consciously decide to welcome things the way they happen, rather than wishing they would turn out a certain way. Whether you're born short or tall, if it's raining or sunny, be happy with it and make the most of it.
and 5 Ways To Improve Your Breathing with James Nestor
Prioritise Nose Breathing
The Foundation of Healthy Breathing: Both experts stress that breathing in and out through the nose is the natural and correct way to breathe, for humans and most mammals. Mel Robbins herself noted she was a "mouth breather" and discovered she shouldn't be.
Numerous Benefits of Nasal Breathing:
Filtration and Conditioning: The nose acts as the body's first line of defence, filtering, heating, pressurising, and moistening air before it reaches the lungs. This purifies the air and makes it more suitable for the body.
Increased Oxygen Uptake: Breathing through the nose allows the body to extract about 20% more oxygen than equivalent breaths through the mouth. It also increases oxygen delivery to working muscles, tissues, and organs, including the brain.
Nitric Oxide Production: Nasal breathing produces nitric oxide, a gas that is antiviral, antibacterial, helps open up airways, and redistributes blood throughout the lungs. This is particularly beneficial for respiratory complaints like bronchitis and for fighting viruses.
Mark Manson's video, "3 Steps to Stop Negative Thinking," provides actionable advice on managing negative thoughts, emphasising a shift in perspective rather than outright elimination of these thoughts.
Step 1: Accept that failure is a natural part of life.
Recognise Self-Invented Failure: Understand that your definition of failure is almost always self-invented. Goals for money, profession (e.g., the corner office), or social life (e.g., number of friends, dating attractive people) are arbitrary benchmarks you set for yourself.
Adjust Mental Standards: Nothing in the real world is ever as good as it is in your head. Holding yourself to a mental standard or fantasy created in your own mind will lead to misery and can make even "super successful people" hate their lives. Hold these mental images loosely, as reality will have problems and shortcomings.
Avoid Spirals of Your Own Making: When you define success in a rigid way and don't meet it, it can lead to feeling like a loser and getting caught in negative spirals.
Exaggeration Tendency: Your mind tends to exaggerate and amplify feelings or expectations, both good and bad. Remember that "nothing is ever really as bad as we think it is either".
Morgan Housel, author of The Psychology of Money, delves into various aspects of money management, with a particular focus on the behavioural and psychological elements of spending and broader life philosophies in his podcasts:
Learning Points from "The Art of Spending Money" (Episode 1)
Understand the Dual Nature of Spending: Recognise that spending money has both a scientific side (e.g., finding bargains, creating budgets) and an unquantifiable "art" that is deeply personal and varies from person to person.
Spending as a Reflection of Self: Be aware that how you choose to spend your money can reveal fundamental aspects of your character, values, and even an "existential struggle" about what you find valuable in life, who you spend time with, and how you wish to be remembered.
Acknowledge the Influence of Background: Your family background and past experiences heavily influence your spending preferences. Early experiences, particularly growing up poor or being "snubbed," can lead to "revenge spending" as a way to heal social wounds or signal success. Introspection into these past pains can help explain current spending patterns.
Avoid Being Entrapped by Expenses: Guard against building your life around money rather than using money to build your life. A "devotion to expense regardless of pleasure" can lead to becoming a "prisoner" to your finances, causing financial trouble and a lack of joy, as seen with George Vanderbilt and the Biltmore estate.
Recognise Frugality Inertia: Be mindful that a lifetime of good savings habits can become so ingrained in your identity that it's difficult to transition into a spending phase, even in retirement, potentially preventing you from enjoying the fruits of your labour.
1. Pelvic Floor Health: Strengthening vs. Relaxing
What it is: The pelvic floor is a bowl of muscles connected to bones that hold up organs, crucial for urination, defecation, sexual function, and posture.
Key Distinction: Many people focus on strengthening their pelvic floor (e.g., Kegels), but often, people need to learn to relax their pelvic floor for proper urologic and sexual function.
Signs of an Unhealthy Pelvic Floor:
Too Tight/Contracted: Can result from stress, anxiety, overuse, or poor posture. Symptoms include urgency, frequency, leakage, difficulty urinating (or incomplete emptying), pain with sex/erections/ejaculation, various pain syndromes, constipation, and back pain.
Too Weak: Often seen after childbirth, in individuals with neurological disorders, or connective tissue disorders. Symptoms commonly include urinary incontinence or leakage.
Winner-Take-Most Market: Technology, including dating apps, consolidates sectors, creating a "winner-take-most" dynamic. This means a small percentage of individuals receive the vast majority of attention.
Mating Inequality: Dating apps have created "mating inequality" comparable to income inequality in Venezuela. Women, who have a much "finer filter for mating" due to the greater downside of sex (e.g., pregnancy), tend to express interest in a significantly smaller group of men.
Difficulty Signaling Key Qualities Online: While women are interested in men based on their ability to signal resources, intelligence, and kindness, dating apps primarily allow for the signaling of resources. Intelligence and kindness are much harder to convey digitally.
Marginalisation of the "Bottom Half" of Men: The "top 10 percent in terms of attractiveness online" receive 90% of the interest, a phenomenon termed "Porsche polygamy". Conversely, the bottom half of men, based on online attractiveness (often crudely measured by wealth indicators), are "totally shut out of the market".
A very good guide to to being a good people manager in the workplace. I think this is also useful for students about to start in the workplace, it gives them an idea of what organisations and managers in those organisations are optimising for.
1. The Importance of Self-Awareness in Leadership
A core principle of the book is that effective leadership starts with self-awareness. Johnson emphasizes that understanding your own values, work style, and communication preferences is crucial for building trust and leading teams effectively.
Action Point: Take the time to understand your own leadership style. Johnson suggests using frameworks like Myers-Briggs, DiSC, or simply reflecting on your preferences to identify whether you are more introverted or extroverted, task-oriented or people-oriented. This self-awareness allows you to adapt your approach to better suit your team and the situation.
One of the best guides to teach you how to develop and deliver the best presentations and talks:
1. Find Your "Throughline" 🗣️
The most important part of a great talk is having a clear, concise "throughline," or a central idea that connects every part of your presentation. This should be a single, memorable sentence that captures the essence of your message.
2. Tell a Story 📖
Humans are wired for stories. Weaving a personal anecdote or a compelling narrative into your talk can make your ideas more relatable, memorable, and emotionally resonant.
For those who are interested in learning more about hip and knee issues:
Knee Anatomy and Function
Knee vs. Hip Joint: The knee joint is inherently more unstable than the hip joint, which is a true ball-and-socket joint.
Key Structures:
Patella (Kneecap): The rounded bone at the front of the knee. The quadricep tendon attaches to its top, and the patellar tendon continues from it to attach to the tibia.
Cartilage: Covers the ends of all bones in the joint, allowing smooth gliding. Maintaining cartilage is crucial because its disappearance leads to problems. Chondrocytes (cartilage cells) respond to pressure by making more matrix and proteins, meaning a pressured chondrocyte is "happy," while an unpressured one will break down.
Ligaments: Provide stability to the joint.
Cruciate Ligaments: The anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and posterior cruciate ligament (PCL) cross within the knee. The ACL is a commonly torn ligament.
Collateral Ligaments: Medial collateral ligament (MCL) and lateral collateral ligament (LCL) are on the sides of the knee.
Menisci: Two semicircular structures (medial and lateral menisci) that are imperative for distributing force across the knee and preventing cartilage wear. They distribute about 30% of the load through the knee joint. Without them, there's "point loading" or "edge loading," which rapidly degenerates cartilage.
Bones: Femur (thigh bone), Tibia (shin bone, the platform on which the knee sits), and Fibula (smaller bone on the outside, attaching to the tibia and LCL).
Rule #1: You are Responsible for Everything in Your Own Experience (Even if it's Not Your Fault) - Radical Responsibility
Core Concept: This rule, rooted in existentialism, particularly from Jean-Paul Sartre, asserts that in every conscious moment, we are making choices. These choices include not only what we do but also how we perceive things.
The Burden of Choice: Sartre highlighted that this constant necessity for choosing—of perception and action—is a significant mental and emotional load, leading humans to shirk responsibility.
Avoiding Responsibility: People often blame others ("he made me do it," "my boss fucked up") or adopt others' values and belief systems ("my dad was a doctor, so I have to be one," "everyone else is doing it") to avoid this responsibility. Sartre called this "living in bad faith"—living for other people rather than for oneself.
Living in Authenticity: Conversely, making conscious choices based on one's own principles and values, and being aware of these choices, is "living in authenticity". This is akin to "being yourself," understanding your values, and standing for them, even if it means social punishment.
Foundation for Improvement: Manson states that personal responsibility is "step one of any sort of self-improvement". Without believing you are responsible and capable of choosing differently, there is no path to improvement.
Responsibility/Fault Fallacy: A common hang-up is confusing responsibility with fault. Manson clarifies that being responsible for something does not mean it's your fault. For example, getting hit by a bus might not be your fault, but recovering from it is your responsibility. Similarly, if a baby is left on your doorstep, it's not your fault, but it's your responsibility to care for it.
Broader Impact: Accepting radical responsibility is fundamental not only for self-improvement but also for mental and emotional health, being ethical, and having good relationships.
There are a lot of misconceptions about how to read well, so in this video we’ll cover some of the most common issues people seem to have. I can tell you now that the problem most of us have is that we learn to read books for school. And school conditions us to assume that we should be able to actively recall most things we read. We shouldn’t. Human memory doesn’t work that way. We just did that to make decent grades on the tests we took. And suck up to our teachers or whatever.
I’m here to tell you to scrap everything you know. Well, not everything, but a lot of it. Reading doesn’t have to be a slow and laborious chore. I urge you to gather around. Pull up a seat. Today we’re learning better reading habits and skills. The video includes tips on reading faster, remembering what you’ve read, how to read more, and some hacks on using what you’ve learned, or not.
The YouTube video, "The Science of Regret | A Slight Change of Plans | Maya Shankar," features author Daniel Pink discussing the emotion of regret and how it can be a valuable force for good in our lives.
Understanding Regret
Regret is Adaptive and Functional: Contrary to popular belief that we should only focus on positive emotions, negative feelings like regret are "adaptive" and "functional" if we learn how to treat them effectively. They can be a "force for good in our lives".
Definition and Visceral Feeling: Regret is described as "the stomach turning feeling that the present would be better and the future brighter if only you hadn't chosen so poorly decided so wrongly or acted so stupidly in the past." It's a deeply personal and often uncomfortable emotion.
Regret Reveals Our Values: When people express their deepest regrets, they are implicitly revealing "what they value the most." This makes regret a powerful signal in our psyche, "an air horn screaming" to pay attention to what truly matters to us.
The Spotify podcast, "Changing Your Mind with Adam Grant - A Slight Change of Plans," dated 12 January 2023, focuses on strategies for cultivating a more open mind. The episode, featuring psychologist and author Adam Grant, explores how people can become better versions of themselves by rethinking their beliefs and perspectives.
Overcoming Stubbornness in Beliefs: A significant barrier to personal growth is the tendency to stubbornly cling to old beliefs and ways of thinking. The podcast suggests that overcoming this resistance is crucial for self-improvement.
Strategies for an Open Mind: Adam Grant, author of "Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know," provides strategies for cultivating a more open mind. While the specific strategies are not detailed in the source, the focus is on practical approaches to encourage a receptive mindset.
Revisiting Fundamental Beliefs: The discussion emphasises the importance of revisiting our fundamental beliefs about the world, not just our superficial opinions. This suggests an action point to deeply reflect on and challenge core assumptions.
Debating Imposter Syndrome: The podcast includes a debate between Maya and Adam on the merits of imposter syndrome. This indicates a learning point around understanding different perspectives on self-perception and confidence.
The YouTube videos, featuring Peter Akkies and Chris Williamson, offer a deep dive into the philosophy and practical application of productivity, highlighting that it's far more than just using the right apps.
Here are the key learning and action points:
1. The Fundamental Principle: Productivity is Emotional and Goal-Oriented, Not Just About Apps
Productivity fundamentally boils down to understanding what you want to do in life, why it matters to you, and how you're going to achieve it.
Many people initially seek advice on apps for to-do lists or note-taking, but the core issue often lies in unclear priorities. No app can fix a lack of clarity about what truly matters.
A significant portion of time (up to 80%) is often spent on activities that don't align with one's deeper values or goals.
Action Point: Start by getting "real deep" and identifying what you truly care about in life and what you're trying to achieve, even if it feels daunting.
and also on the same subject... Talking To A Feminist About Masculinity - Modern Wisdom with Christine Emba
The YouTube videos, featuring Christine Emba and George from The Tin Men, offer profound insights into the crisis of modern masculinity and highlight crucial learning and action points for fostering a more balanced and empathetic societal discourse around men's issues.
Here are the key learning and action points:
1. Acknowledging the Crisis of Modern Men:
Shifting Societal Landscape: Society has dramatically changed over the past 30-40 years, benefiting women significantly but often leaving men, especially working-class men, feeling lost and experiencing a sense of malaise.
Key Statistics & Disadvantages: Men face significant disadvantages in education (outnumbered in college degrees, 70% of COVID-19 dropouts were men), health (three out of four "deaths of despair" are men), and stagnant wages since the 1970s.
Economic Shift: The economy has moved from "labor-intensive jobs towards jobs that reward soft skills and social skills and credentials," a shift that often disadvantages men, who traditionally filled more "brawn-based" roles.
Cultural Loss: Traditional male archetypes (protector, provider) are no longer clearly defined, and the blurring of gender lines leaves many young men unsure of "what it means to be a man". They are looking for role models and coming up short.
The YouTube video "How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power" by Mel Robbins, featuring trial lawyer Jefferson Fisher, provides strategies for effective communication and maintaining personal power when dealing with challenging personalities and situations. The core message is that you always have power in any interaction, particularly in your response, and mastering this can lead to a sense of control and peace in your life.
1. Fundamental Mindset Shifts:
Reframe "Difficult People": Instead of labelling someone as difficult, narcissistic, or negative, understand that they are often only difficult because they have an underlying fear, insecurity, or unmet need. They are often seeking to be heard, understood, or feel important. Shifting your viewpoint to see them as a human being with a poor way of seeking understanding immediately lowers the intensity of the interaction.
Own Your Power: Recognize that you always have power in any situation, and it resides in your response, your breath, and what and when you choose to speak. Do not give this power away to others, especially those with bravado or emotionally immature behaviours.
Choose Your Battles: You don't have to engage in every argument or conversation you're invited to. It's about knowing when it's worth your time and effort to engage.
Confidence is Quiet, Insecurity is Loud: The person who talks the least in a meeting or argument is often the most confident and knowledgeable.
The YouTube video "Be Confident: Use Body Language to Boost Your Influence & Income" featuring expert Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioural investigator and founder of Science of People, focuses on charisma as a learned skill that significantly impacts influence, impact, and income. The core message is that people are constantly sending and receiving social signals, often unintentionally, and mastering these signals can transform interactions.
1. Understanding Charisma and Its Importance:
Definition: Charisma is the "missing ingredient" that triggers success in relationships and professional life, making people take you seriously and feel more confident. It is not an innate trait but a learnable skill.
Core Components: Highly charismatic people signal a balance of high warmth (trust, likability, friendliness) and high competence (capability, power, effectiveness) at all times.
Impact: Charisma accounts for 82% of how people evaluate you in every interaction, not just first impressions – including LinkedIn profiles, Zoom calls, phone calls, chats, and emails. It helps you be more influential, successful, and enjoy social settings.
The "Social Lubricant": Charisma acts as a "lubricant" that smooths conversations and relationships, counteracting "crunchy" awkwardness caused by fear of rejection, criticism, or saying something stupid.
Almost daily, people in our lives – friends, colleagues, children, or most likely, partners – will hurt us through neglect, unkindness, thoughtlessness, offensiveness, or brusqueness.
How we respond to this "maltreatment" is fundamental to our character and significantly impacts our quality of life.
Andrew Huberman details the powerful concepts of growth and "stress is enhancing" mindset, providing scientific backing and practical tools for improving performance and learning.
1. Understanding Growth Mindset:
Definition: Growth mindset is the belief that our abilities are not fixed but are malleable and can be improved through effort. It involves embracing challenge and optimising one's response to it. This concept is deeply tied to neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to change in response to experience throughout one's entire lifespan, especially through deliberate, focused learning.
Distancing Identity from Performance: A crucial, counter-intuitive aspect of growth mindset is separating your identity from your performance. Praising someone for being "smart," "talented," or "a great athlete" can actually undermine future performance, especially for those who already perform well, because their identity becomes integrated with their results.
Shifting Focus to Effort: Instead of attaching identity to performance, attach it to effort, the enjoyment of learning, and the process of getting better. This means shifting internal and external narratives from "intelligence praise" (labels like "smart," "talented") to "effort praise" (verbs like "you tried really hard," "you persisted").
Naval Ravikant shares insights and actionable strategies for improving life, learning, and decision-making.
1. Cultivating Reading as a Foundational Habit:
Embrace what you love to read, even if it's "junk food," as your taste will evolve naturally. Don't let others dictate what you should read.
Invest in books, viewing them as valuable investments that can change your life, rather than expenses.
Reread "great books" multiple times to allow their wisdom to deeply integrate into your understanding and "become part of the threads of the tapestry of your psyche."
Don't feel obligated to finish every book. Treat books like blogs: skim, jump around, and consume only the parts that truly interest you without guilt.
Make reading a daily habit. The consistency of reading for even an hour or two a day, regardless of the specific content, can dramatically improve your life and intelligence. Read what you're excited about.
Read widely and contrarianly, including content you might disagree with or consider unconventional. This prevents "herd thinking" and fosters unique insights, leading to "non average outcomes."
Be ruthless with books that don't capture your attention. If a book isn't interesting within the first chapter or makes fundamentally untrue statements, drop it or skip ahead. Your time is valuable.
Once you've grasped the main point of a non-fiction book, you can often put it down as much of the remaining content might be repetitive examples.
