Will Storr delves into the pervasive impact of "The Status Game" and "Perfectionism" on modern human well-being. He offers a critical examination of how societal pressures, economic shifts, and digital culture contribute to feelings of being lost and unhappy, alongside practical strategies for fostering fulfilment.
Learning Points
- Perfectionism is on the Rise and is a Serious Issue: A major study looking at 40,000 people across the UK, US, and Canada found a significant increase in perfectionism since the 1990s. This rise is linked to various mental health problems including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-harm, and suicidal thinking. Perfectionism is defined as an excessive sensitivity to failure in one's environment.
- The "Bar" for What is "Good Enough" is Unreasonably High: Our culture, through media like television, social media, and celebrities, subconsciously sends repeated messages about what "good enough" looks like, setting an impossibly high bar. This leads to a constant feeling of inferiority and not being enough, causing stress and mental health issues. This cultural bar is significantly higher than in previous generations.
- Neoliberalism's Role in Shaping Our "Soul": The economic theory of neoliberalism, embraced by leaders like Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan in the late 70s and early 80s, shifted Western societies towards rampant individualism and super-competitiveness. Thatcher's stated "object is to change the soul", which resulted in a culture of "greed is good" and heightened personal competition, moving away from collective ideas. This environment has continually intensified, raising the bar for perceived success to "crazy levels".
- We are Products of Our Environments: Drawing on Dr. Gabor Maté's perspective, the video highlights that if a cell in a petri dish isn't thriving, the problem is with the environment, not the cell itself. Similarly, if society's expectations are unrealistic, it's no wonder that rates of stress, anxiety, depression, and other issues are rising, as people constantly feel "less than".
- Social Perfectionism and its Link to Suicide: While self-directed perfectionism involves one's own internal ideals, social perfectionism is "other-directed" – it's rooted in our imaginations of what other people expect of us. This is particularly toxic as these perceptions may not even be true. It is strongly linked to suicide, especially among middle-aged men, who feel immense pressure to embody an impossible ideal of masculinity (protector, provider, showing mastery and control, yet vulnerable).
- The Brain's "Status Detection System": Humans possess an unconscious, always-on "status detection system" that constantly seeks out signals of status in our environment and assesses where we stand. This system means we inherently play status games and evaluate others based on their perceived standing.
- Status is the Feeling of Being Valued: While often associated with money, celebrity, or possessions, status is fundamentally the feeling of being valued by others. Humans have two core needs: connection (belonging) and status (being valuable). Nobody wants to feel "likable but useless".
- Evolutionary Roots of Status-Seeking: In hunter-gatherer times, the group, not the individual, solved survival and reproduction problems. Nature incentivised joining groups (connection) and being valuable to the tribe (status). Higher status in tribes correlated with tangible benefits like more food, safer sleeping sites, and choice of mates. This established a fundamental subconscious rule: "go for status because if you go for status everything else gets better".
- The Status Game Has No End: The conscious pursuit of happiness often involves a "weird lie" that achieving a certain goal (e.g., a new iPhone, a better job) will bring lasting happiness. However, life is a "game with no end"; we are constantly striving, and there is always someone with more status, making the pursuit exhausting. Even highly successful individuals like Jeff Bezos or Taylor Swift still feel the pain of not being "enough" or face threats to their status.
- Social Media Creates Unrealistic Comparisons: Even when consciously aware that people present "the best side of themselves" online, our subconscious minds still internalise these curated images as reality, leading to feelings that "your life is not as good as someone else's life". This constant exposure to perfection, multiple times a day, is unnatural given our evolutionary history of small tribal groups.
- Performative Vulnerability Can Become a Status Game: While showing vulnerability online can be seen as positive, there's a danger that "misery itself starts to become seen as high status". This can lead to "performative vulnerability" or "performative authenticity" where people unknowingly perform struggle or low privilege to gain validation and status in a culture where privilege is seen as low status.
- We Are All Playing Status Games: It is human nature; no one is exempt, not even figures like the Dalai Lama or Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney, despite immense fame and success, famously battled over the order of his and John Lennon's names on song credits, illustrating how deeply ingrained the need for status is, even for the most revered individuals.
- Status is a Double-Edged Sword: The drive for status can be positive, incentivising us to improve, master skills, and be of value. It pushes humans to be "incredible". However, when the bar is too high or pursued to extremes (e.g., CrossFit participants being celebrated for vomiting during workouts), it becomes toxic and damaging.
- Identity is Bound Up in Status Games: Our status games are intricately linked to our identity and sense of self. When a primary source of status fails or is removed (e.g., losing a job, children leaving home in "empty nest syndrome"), it can be profoundly damaging, leading to questions of "who I am". Parents can also play status games through their children, placing immense pressure on them to succeed, often for the parents' own unmet dreams or sense of value.
- Status has a Massive Impact on Health: The Whitehall studies famously showed a direct correlation between social status within the British bureaucracy and health outcomes: the higher one's status, the healthier and lower the risk of early death, even when controlling for income and access to resources. This was replicated in monkey studies, where lower-ranking monkeys on an unhealthy diet developed more atherosclerotic plaque. Your health outcomes were four times more likely to result in early death at the bottom of the office hierarchy than at the top.
- Status Games are Local and Relative: While global comparisons exist, we tend to play smaller, tribal status games within our immediate communities. People compare themselves to neighbours, local friends, or those in their direct social circle, not necessarily global celebrities. This explains why there's no strong correlation between wealth and happiness globally; people in "terrible poverty" can be happy if they measure their status against their immediate peers.
- Three Types of Status Games: Humans primarily play three main status games:
- Dominance: Achieved through violence, threat of violence, or social aggression like bullying and ostracisation.
- Virtue: Gained by being perceived as a good, selfless, or courageous person, or by adhering to tribal rules and beliefs. While often positive (e.g., volunteering), virtue can also be dangerous, justifying horrific acts like genocide if it's "local to its group".
- Success (Competence): Earned by being good at something, achieving specific outcomes, or demonstrating mastery.
- Status is an Essential Social Nutrient: If one feels nothing they do makes them feel of value, or they are not "good at this" about anything, it is a problem that needs addressing, as status is vital for survival and well-being.
Action Points
- Recognise and Question the Unrealistic Bar: Be aware that the cultural bar for "good enough" is often unreasonably high and contributes to feelings of inadequacy. Actively question these external ideals.
- Protect Yourself from Social Media Comparisons: Consciously mute accounts or take breaks from platforms that make you feel bad about yourself, even if you know consciously that posts are curated. Don't feel guilty about doing this; it's protecting your innate human need for a stable sense of self.
- Understand Your True Value: Redefine success not by external metrics (money, fame) but by feeling valued and comfortable in your own skin.
- Play Multiple Status Games: Actively engage in various groups and activities to diversify your sources of status and identity. This acts as a hedge against vulnerability; if one area of your life faces a setback, you still have other sources of value and self-worth.
- Seek out "Virtue Games" and Community: Volunteering, for instance, is a powerful way to create a new status game for yourself, offering a new source of feeling valued and fostering a sense of purpose and connection. It can provide the "social vitamin" many isolated individuals lack.
- Have the Courage to Leave Toxic Status Sources: If a source of status (e.g., a friendship group, a particular job) has become detrimental to your well-being, find the courage to step away and pursue new, healthier "games".
- Focus on Local, Smaller Status Games: Instead of comparing yourself to global figures, focus on your local community and personal interests. Make your "status game" local and manageable, recognising that happiness is often relative to your immediate environment.
- Identify Your Own Status Games: Reflect on your hobbies, interests, and activities that make you feel competent or valued. If you find no such areas, actively seek out new ones to cultivate a sense of worth, as status is an "essential social nutrient".
- Be Aware of Identity's Vulnerability: Recognise how deeply your identity is intertwined with the status games you play. When significant life changes occur, proactively seek new ways to establish identity and value to mitigate feelings of loss or emptiness.