The Knowledge Project with Esther Perel
The Diary of a CEO with Esther Perel
Prioritise Relationships for a Quality Life
The quality of your life is fundamentally determined by the quality of your relationships, including romantic partnerships, friendships, and family ties. These connections are crucial for well-being and a sense of meaning. Relationships are often not taken seriously, sometimes dismissed as "soft skills" in the business world. However, neglecting them, such as giving your best at work and only the "leftovers" at home, leads to degradation and an unfulfilling life. People wouldn't treat their businesses with such complacency, and similarly, relationships cannot thrive without sustained effort and attention. Importantly, this is the first time in history that the survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple; investing in the couple preserves the family unit.
Actively Engage and Invest in Your Connections
Love is not a passive state of enthusiasm; it is a verb that must be actively conjugated through continuous practice, expression, and engagement. Relationships are akin to an art that requires creative imagination, effort, and attention. Complacency, laziness, and a lack of imagination are detrimental, leading to ruts and boredom. Small, deliberate interventions and rituals, such as dedicated time together (e.g., weekly meet-ups, monthly nights away), can profoundly change dynamics by signifying that "we matter" and are not an afterthought. These actions demonstrate a commitment to nurturing the connection.
Cultivate Presence and Acknowledge Bids for Connection
Being truly present and attentive is vital for healthy relationships. Modern society often leads to "ambiguous loss," where someone is physically present but emotionally or psychologically absent, for instance, due to constant phone use. This creates a sense of loneliness and a feeling of not mattering. Small "bids for connection," such as sharing interesting articles, acknowledging messages (e.g., with a double-tap or comment), or simply checking in, are crucial indicators that you are part of your partner's everyday fabric. Failing to acknowledge these bids can lead to partners feeling taken for granted, which is often described as "the death of a relationship". Simple actions like taking walks together, without devices, can foster presence and conversation.
Embrace Personal Responsibility for Relational Dynamics
Relationship dynamics often follow a "figure-eight loop" or "dance" where each person's actions trigger a reaction in the other, creating a predictable pattern. To change the dynamic, one must first be willing to **change their own behaviour**, regardless of what the other person is doing. Blaming others for your circumstances or emotional state means giving away your personal power. Taking responsibility for your actions and contributions to the dynamic, even when things are not entirely your "fault," is crucial for growth and regaining agency. This approach, termed "enlightened self-interest," suggests that acting for the good of the relationship ultimately benefits you because "the relationship is there to serve you".
Navigate the Paradox of Security and Adventure
Modern relationships face a "grand experiment": the expectation of finding both security (safety, predictability, belonging) and adventure (freedom, exploration, change, mystery) in one partner. These two fundamental human needs often pull in different directions. Maintaining desire and aliveness in long-term relationships requires actively managing this paradox, not neutralising it. It means moving between predictability and innovation, commitment and freedom, and finding ways to remain curious and discover new aspects of a familiar partner. Seeing your partner in their element (e.g., passionate about something, competent at work), after time apart, or even through the eyes of a third person can rekindle this sense of mystery and attraction. Couples who do new things together that involve an element of (emotional) risk, rather than just habitual activities, tend to experience more aliveness.
Reframe Conflict for Growth and Understanding
Conflict is an intrinsic part of all relationships. The key is to shift focus from "what are we fighting about" to "what are we fighting for". People often fight for fundamental needs like trust, recognition, or control. Behind every criticism, there is often a wish or an unmet need, masked by a protective device against feeling unworthy, unloved, or hurt. Understanding the "choreography" or "dance" of arguments (e.g., fight-fight, pursuer-distancer, or flee-flee/stonewalling) is more important than the specific content. The lack of childhood "free play" may have contributed to a decreased ability to tolerate uncertainty and deal with conflict in adulthood. Cultivating the ability to tolerate uncertainty, listen reflectively, and engage in "productive conflict" can strengthen rather than destroy connections.
Practice Contextual Honesty and Vulnerability
Honesty in relationships must be contextual. It's crucial to consider whether a statement is "caring or cruel," "useful or useless". Not all truths need to be spoken, especially if they are designed to hurt or focus on things the partner cannot change. True intimacy, particularly in a Western context, involves sharing one's inner life. However, some individuals, especially men, may be socialised to lack the vocabulary for emotions, leading them to express relational needs through other means, such as sex. Vulnerability, while essential for deep connection, also entails a willingness to be hurt. Developing a secure relationship environment allows for greater openness and a reduction in the need to defend against potential pain. Honesty also involves personal reckoning and accountability for your own presence and absence in the relationship.
Nurture Sexual Intimacy with Imagination and Openness
Sexual aliveness in long-term relationships is not spontaneous; it requires **intentionality, creativity, and premeditation**. Many relationships experience "sexlessness" not because of a lack of desire, but because the sex they are having isn't "worth wanting" or the conversation around it is narrow and critical. **Overcoming sexual challenges involves exploring new things, taking chances, and communicating about fantasies and desires in a non-critical way**. Fear of rejection is a significant emotional vulnerability, particularly for men, often leading to withdrawal. Porn may cater to this by presenting a fantasy without rejection or performance anxiety. Sex intersects with many aspects of life, including health, trauma, and fundamental inequalities in the relationship. Openly discussing the broader meaning and experience of sex—beyond just performance or frequency—can transform the entire relationship dynamic. Using "third entities" like podcasts or card games can create a safe space for difficult conversations about sex.
Prepare for Relationship Transitions with Deliberation
The concept of "conscious uncoupling" suggests that **longevity should not be the sole marker of a successful relationship, and that not all breakups are failures**. Given that people live longer and may have multiple adult relationships, learning to separate with goodwill, self-reflection, and without demonising the other is crucial. The quality of a breakup significantly impacts how individuals approach future relationships, affecting trust and self-protection. If separation occurs, the goal is to acknowledge your own contributions, wish the other well, and not destroy them as a means of justification, especially when children are involved, as a divorce reorganises rather than ends the family unit. This deliberate approach to parting marks psychological bookmarks in one's relational life.
Cultivate Wisdom Through Slow Judgement and Decency
Wisdom lies in being slow to judge, understanding that everyone is doing their best with their current knowledge and experiences. True compassion involves reserving judgment for those you don't easily relate to and cultivating curiosity about their perspectives. Value decency and kindness in people above their money, name, education, or status symbols. Recognising the impermanence of life and the continuous flux of reality can lead to a more flexible and less rigid approach to life and relationships, fostering an appetite for uncertainty and openness to new experiences.