The Lifetime Problem With Being A “Nice Guy” - Modern Wisdom with Dr Robert Glover

Dr Robert Glover is a therapist, coach and an author. Being nice is something many of us aspire to become. After all, who doesn’t want to be nice? Well Nice Guy Syndrome has been ruining the lives of many men for decades, so perhaps we should aspire to be something else. Expect to learn what is actually wrong with being a nice guy, why men become so afraid of putting their needs first, how to stop people pleasing without being a bad guy, why nice guys end up resentful and bitter, whether nice guys attract or repel women and much more…

The Essence of "Nice Guy" Syndrome

• A "Nice Guy" is defined as someone who, at a very young age, inaccurately internalised the belief that they are not okay as they are.
• This leads them to unconsciously attempt two main things: to become what they believe others want them to be, and to hide anything about themselves that might elicit a negative reaction, including their needs, wants, and sexuality.
• The core problem is a lack of authenticity; "Nice Guys" are not truly themselves, leading to traits like dishonesty, untrustworthiness, frustration, resentment, and passive aggression. This ultimately prevents them from living up to their full potential and having what they desire in life.

Key Characteristics and Traits

• A primary tendency is people-pleasing and seeking external validation, often specifically from women.
• They frequently fail to live up to their full potential, partly due to a fear of standing out, as it brings too much attention and expectation.
• Many "Nice Guys" experience a "dull depression", feeling they "should" be happy and getting what they want, but are not and don't understand why.
• A fundamental trait is dishonesty; while they may believe they are honest, their actions often contradict this as they hide parts of themselves.
• They are often overly pliable, changing themselves to achieve desired outcomes from people.
• "Nice Guys" often suffer from resentment and even rage because their "covert contracts" (unspoken agreements) are not met, making them feel unappreciated for their efforts. As Neil Strauss noted, "unspoken expectations are premeditated resentment".
• They are often described as the type of person who tries to make everyone happy, avoids doing anything wrong, and "goes along to get along," often embodying the "happy wife, happy life" mentality.

The Genesis of "Nice Guy" Behaviour

• There isn't a single cause, but common factors include temperament (e.g., being naturally averse to conflict).
• One significant piece is the attempt to please women, stemming from being born to a woman and having earliest caregivers who were likely female. Historically, boys were initiated into masculine society around age 12, learning to face fears and cease seeking female approval, a process that is largely absent today.
• Generational patterns play a role, with some "Nice Guys" rebelling against "tyrant" fathers, while younger generations were raised by "Nice Guy" fathers and learned compliant behaviours, such as "don't piss off your mother".
• Children are inherently vulnerable and equate abandonment with death, making the desire to secure caregiving (often from women) a powerful driver of people-pleasing.
• Early childhood experiences of discomfort, whether physical or emotional, lead children to narcissistically assume they are the cause ("I did something wrong, I'm bad"). This leads to primitive attempts to medicate uncomfortable feelings and to avoid repeating whatever caused them, often resulting in hiding needs.

The Trap of Covert Contracts

• "Nice Guys" operate under unspoken, often unconscious, manipulative agreements with others, the world, or even God. These are typically "if-then" propositions with strings attached.
• The three specific covert contracts are:
  1. "If I'm a good guy, I will be liked and loved and women will want to be with me and have sex with me".
  2. "If I meet everyone else's needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask" (a problem because others don't know this contract exists and "Nice Guys" are poor receivers).
  3. "If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free world".
• These unmet expectations lead directly to the feelings of resentment and rage.

Shame and Anxiety: The Underlying Drivers

• Shame ("I'm not okay, I'm unlovable, I'm defective") is a core foundation of "Nice Guy" syndrome, an inaccurately internalised belief from early life.
• Anxiety plays an equally significant role, manifesting as fears of pissing someone off, rejection, getting hurt, or looking foolish.
• Both the "Nice Guy" (avoidant, conflict-averse) and the "jerk" (quick to fight) are on the same continuum, both operating in a "fight, flight, or freeze" mode to manage their internal states of anxiety. They are trying to manipulate external situations to avoid feeling anxious.
• True progress involves moving to a "different plane" where men learn to soothe themselves, be assertive, set boundaries, and differentiate their wants, rather than just managing anxiety through dysfunctional extremes.

The Paradox of Pleasing Women

• "Nice Guys" often discover that pursuing women and trying to please them does not make them interested or attracted.
• Instead, women are often more attracted to men who are comfortable in their own skin, live life on their own terms, are connected with other men, and are on a mission or purpose.
• There is no "standard of feminine approval"; the feminine is not about standards, but about movement and flow. Seeking love, approval, and validation from women is a "feminine trait" that traps men in a loop. Self-validation is key to becoming attractive.

Poor Receiving and Hidden Selves

• "Nice Guys" are "terrible receivers" because they internalise the belief that having needs makes them "bad" or vulnerable, putting them at risk or making them indebted to others.
• They often hide their needs and wants, and especially their sexuality, due to early experiences of negative reactions or cultural messages associating sex with shame.
• This hiding behaviour is a primitive coping mechanism developed in childhood to avoid uncomfortable experiences.
• Being a "bad receiver" robs others of the enjoyment of helping, as people often find pleasure in doing nice things for someone they care about.

"Nice Guys," Success, and Orderliness

• "Nice Guys" often unconsciously self-sabotage or "get in their own way" of living up to their full potential due to a fear of success. Success can raise expectations, increase visibility, and lead to a loss of control over time, all of which trigger anxiety.
• While some "Nice Guys" may exhibit perfectionistic tendencies, it's not universal; many can also be disorderly in personal areas, contributing to their self-sabotage.
• Conversely, some "Nice Guys" can be highly successful in work environments where they "kick ass," but struggle in relationships.

Cultural and Societal Influences

• Discussions around "Nice Guys" are less popular than those about "toxic masculinity" because it's publicly unpopular for women to appear ungrateful by complaining about men who are "too pliable".
• The emphasis on "toxic masculinity" and patriarchy stems from a necessary "pendulum swing" and overcorrection in social change, particularly influenced by feminist movements, though some extreme views may not represent the majority.
• Social media algorithms amplify extreme views, creating a "tyranny of the minority" where the loudest voices control the perceived narrative.

Understanding Female Attraction: Polarity and Emotional Tension

• For attraction to exist in a relationship, there must be polarity, which involves elements of "dominance and submission". When men become too submissive and women too dominant, attraction can diminish.
• In conscious relationships, polarity can fluidly shift, but women often appreciate a man who can "default lead" and set the tone, as many women are in a masculine, dominant role all day at work or raising children.
• For women, emotional tension is crucial for experiencing attraction, arousal, and staying attached to a man. If there isn't tension, they may get bored and even create it.
• Men, generally, dislike emotional tension, especially in relationships, and seek to resolve it quickly. "Nice Guys" often relieve tension by being overly accommodating or listening to problems, which, paradoxically, can make them less attractive ("girlfriend with a penis").
• This difference is evident in how men and women experience romantic comedies: men seek quick resolution, while women enjoy the protracted drama and tension.
• A man's role can involve subtly creating tension, such as not immediately replying to texts, or playfully challenging a woman, which can make him more engaging.

The Impact of First Sexual Experiences

• Our first sexual experiences are highly formative because sexuality is presented as the essence of who we are, and children are inherently sexual beings.
• For the vast majority, these early experiences are wrapped in shame, secrecy, and guilt, cross-wiring sexuality with feelings of "badness" and repression. This can manifest in adulthood as a perceived low sex drive or messy sexual relationships.
• Formative experiences can also reshape our memories and understanding of ourselves, even altering how we recall our past enjoyment of things.

Rehabilitation for "Nice Guys"

• The overall goal is to "get out of your own way" and allow your authentic self to emerge, free from the management of shame and anxiety.
• Work on honesty: Practice being truthful, even when it might cause discomfort, rather than telling stories to avoid conflict. Practising "blurting" and acting on impulse, especially with women, can help men be more authentic and overcome the fear of doing or saying the "wrong" thing.
• Make your needs a priority: Learn to identify what you want and need, and allow others to help you meet those needs. Learn about and set boundaries: Develop the ability to say "no," establish limits, and remove yourself from uncomfortable situations.
• Find safe people/support: Seek coaches, therapists, or men's groups to release shame, receive support, and confront fears. The leader should ideally have done their own personal work. Connect with men and build a tribe: Cultivate deep connections with other men, which positively impacts all areas of life, including work, relationships, and health.