Turn Dismissiveness Around: Words that Command Respect - Jefferson Fisher
Learning Points
The nature of dismissive comments: Comments such as "it was just a joke," "don't take it so personally," or "don't be so sensitive" are attempts to dismiss your feelings, trivialise the consequences of what was said, and control the eventual outcome of a conversation. These remarks can gradually erode self-esteem and cause frustration.
Your right to decide the impact: You, as the recipient of a comment, are the sole individual who gets to decide what hurts you and what the consequence of a remark is; the person making the comment does not get to dictate that.
The ineffectiveness of defensiveness: Reacting defensively—by getting upset, scoffing, or visibly bristling—will make you appear weaker and inadvertently validate the dismissive comment. This can make it seem as though you are indeed exhibiting the behaviour they are accusing you of, such as being "sensitive".
The universality of sensitivity: It is important to understand that everyone possesses sensitivity; its expression is subjective and depends on the specific topic, context, and environment. Dismissing someone as "sensitive" is often a way for the speaker to evade responsibility for the impact of their words.
Strategies for Responding to Dismissive Comments
Maintain composure and avoid defensiveness: When confronted with a dismissive comment, it is crucial to remain calm and avoid getting defensive. By keeping your breath steady and staying composed, you project strength rather than weakness.
For "I was just joking":
Challenge the humour: Directly question the quality of their "joke" by responding with phrases like, "Then make it funnier" or "Then find new material".
Question the intent: Ask them to clarify their intention, for example, "Was that supposed to be funny?" or "Was that the funny kind?" to place them on the spot.
Express surprise (especially in professional settings): A more subtle yet effective approach is to express surprise. Use phrases such as "I'm surprised by that," "I'm surprised you went with that," "I'm surprised you think that's okay," or "I'm surprised that you said that out loud". This can prompt the speaker to reflect on their comment and potentially self-correct.
For "Don't take it personally":
Assert your right to decide: Clearly state, "I get to decide that," which immediately establishes your boundaries and reinforces your control over your emotional response.
Challenge their delivery: Suggest an alternative approach by responding with "Don't say it personally" or "Then say it differently." This encourages them to consider how they communicate.
For "Don't be so sensitive":
Reframe with "sensing": Play on the word "sensitive" by using "sensing" in your reply. For example, you could say, "No, I'm just sensing X, Y, and Z." Specific examples include: "No, I'm just sensing you're not that funny" (if it followed a joke) or "No, I'm just sensing that you and I have a different idea of what's appropriate to say out loud" (if it followed an inappropriate comment). This strategy allows you to express your perspective without becoming defensive.