Tracey Cox, a celebrated sex educator, provides key insights and actionable advice on various aspects of sex and relationships, aiming to make complex research practical for individuals.:
1. Understanding the "Sex Recession" and Sexless Relationships
- There is a "sex recession," where many couples, even those in their 30s, are in sexless relationships.
- If you haven't had sex with your partner for a year, it's very unlikely you'll have sex again unless you confront the issue head-on. It's easy to get out of the habit of sex, and ignoring it will not make it pass.
- Sex isn't the be-all and end-all for everyone; some couples with matching low libidos can be perfectly happy without much sex. However, problems arise when one partner desires sex and the other doesn't.
- A "sexless relationship" is now defined as not having had sex in a year, though a "low sex relationship" might be around 10 times a year.
2. The Critical Importance of Communication
- Every sex problem can be solved if you talk about it. The tiniest sex problem can ruin your whole sex life if left unaddressed.
- People often avoid discussing sex due to fear of hurting their partner's feelings. To overcome this, be tactful and use the "compliment sandwich" technique (start with a compliment, deliver the feedback, end with another compliment).
- Be specific with instructions, as men often respond best to clear guidance. For example, describe your "perfect sex session" rather than general complaints.
- Positive feedback is crucial. Instead of "don't do that," say "that feels great there, stay there, do it for longer".
- Conversations about sex, especially about trying new things, should ideally happen outside the bedroom when relaxed.
- The first conversation about sex after a long silence can be excruciating, but the relief afterward is immense, leading to more open communication.
- If your partner doesn't know why they don't want sex, you might need to educate yourself and suggest possibilities, or seek professional help.
3. Understanding Female Orgasm and Desire
- Most women (80%) do not orgasm through penetrative sex alone because the clitoris, which is the primary source of female orgasm, is largely external to the vagina.
- Women's orgasms are more complicated than men's, and they get bored with routine sex much quicker.
- "She comes first always" is a mantra for female orgasm, meaning focus on oral sex, fingers, or a vibrator to achieve her orgasm before moving to intercourse.
- Responsive desire (common in women) means desire is absent until sexual activity begins and stimulation is enjoyable. Foreplay is a necessity, not a luxury, for women to become aroused and physically comfortable for penetration.
- Women often mistakenly think their sex drive is gone because they no longer experience spontaneous desire, but it's usually just waiting for great stimulation to be activated.
- Women like erotic, wild sex, not just romance. Giving women interesting, erotic sex will maintain their interest. Examples like "50 Shades of Gray" show how erotic scenarios can re-ignite desire.
4. Maintaining Desire in Long-Term Relationships
- "Otherness": Maintain separateness and individual identity from your partner. Seeing your partner "in the real world" and not just at home can make them more attractive and prevent taking them for granted.
- Keep yourself attractive: This includes physical appearance (staying in shape, looking your best) and intellectual/personal qualities (being positive, interesting, engaged in your own life and work).
- Have an interesting life: If you're boring and do the same thing every day, your sex life will also become boring.
- Initiate sex: If you never initiate, you're implying you don't enjoy sex with your partner. Be obvious in your initiation, and understand that how you initiate sex influences your partner's response.
- Address body image issues: Poor body image impacts every area of sex for women and men. Solutions include having sex more often (builds confidence), exercise, increasing your confidence as a lover (technique), closing your eyes during sex, or being more active and engaged.
- Don't rely on movie tropes: Sex in long-term relationships isn't like Hollywood depictions. The intense "hot sex" of the beginning, fueled by hormones, cannot be sustained indefinitely in a monogamous relationship; it's a trade-off for love and companionship.
- Small, bite-sized acts of sex and affection: Don't wait for "marathon sex sessions." Engage in kissing, oral sex, sensual touching, or even bathing together to reconnect sexually.
- Don't let affection stop: When sex stops, couples often stop touching. Maintaining affection is crucial; if both affection and sex stop, the relationship is in trouble.
5. Addressing Specific Challenges
- Erectile Dysfunction: A "psychological catastrophe" for men. The rise of Viagra leads to unrealistic expectations (young men) and challenges for older couples when the man's erection doesn't match the woman's physical changes (e.g., vaginal dryness).
- Vaginal Dryness/Menopause: Women can struggle with hormonal drops. Solutions like vagina moisturisers or estrogen pessaries are available and should be sought rather than "putting up with it". Your attitude towards sex is more influential than menopause itself in determining desire.
- Impact of Children: Kids are "terrible for sex," causing a significant decline for about five years. Accept that your sex life will take a backseat, but keep up "little sexual connections".
- Pornography: Modern porn often depicts aggressive, unrealistic acts (spitting, choking, slapping) which can set young men's expectations incorrectly and pressure women. It can also cause shame in users.
- Childhood Experiences: Early experiences with sex (e.g., being caught masturbating) can be formative and impact adult sexual function (e.g., rapid ejaculation). Self-education and therapy are vital for addressing these foundational issues.
- Fetishes: If one partner has a fetish not shared by the other, compromise is possible (e.g., phone sex, role play). Extreme cases might involve accepting a partner satisfying it with a sex worker, but this is an extreme option.
6. Broader Societal and Relationship Trends
- Decline in face-to-face communication due to social media and streaming contributes to people being less comfortable with physical intimacy and sex.
- AI sex dolls pose a "terrifying" future, potentially replacing human connection with personalized, undemanding companionship, leading to a decline in human interaction and population.
- Monogamy is not natural for our sex drive but is a trade-off for love, contentment, and companionship.
- High-achieving women face challenges in dating, as there are fewer high-achieving men, and many men are intimidated by successful women. Advice for single women in their 30s/40s: make the approach, change your "wish list" to prioritise personality over traditional achievements, date outside your usual type, and make time to put yourself in situations to meet people.
- The happiest groups are single women and married men.
- Sex is defined as any feeling, word, or thought that makes you feel aroused, not just intercourse.
- Relationships are fundamentally crucial for happiness and health, as highlighted by the Harvard Study of Well-Being. Sexual issues are a leading cause of relationship breakdown, making advice on sex vital for overall well-being and connection.