Harvard negotiator explains how to argue - Big Think with Dan Shapiro
Understanding Conflict and Its Nature
- Acknowledge Conflict as Inevitable and Useful: Everyone experiences conflict, and while it can feel uncomfortable, it is inherently useful.
- Focus on "How" Not "What": The core problem in arguments is often not the specific topic ("what" we are arguing about), but rather "how" the disagreement is approached.
- Avoid the "Tribal Trap": Be aware of the tendency to discredit the opposing side, aiming to prove oneself right and silence others. This adversarial approach is unproductive.
Overcoming Three Key Barriers in Conflict
1. Overcoming the Barrier of Identity
- Recognise Emotional Triggers: Arguments become emotional when they touch upon deeper issues related to one's identity – core values and beliefs that feel threatened. When identity is "hooked," emotions and pride can take over, making the conflict feel intensely personal.
- Understand Your Own Identity: Know who you are and what you stand for. Understand the values and beliefs that drive your stance on an issue. This self-awareness helps you meet your purpose and maintain balance, even when your core values are challenged by the other side.
2. Cultivating Appreciation
- Listen Actively for Understanding: While both sides want to feel appreciated, they are often reluctant to appreciate the other. To overcome this, consciously dedicate the first 10 minutes of a conflict to listening intently to the other person.
- Seek Value, Logic, and Rationale: Aim to understand the value, logic, and rationale behind their perspective, regardless of the topic (e.g., immigration or healthcare).
- Communicate Understanding: Once you truly understand and can see the value in their perspective, verbalise it. Acknowledge their viewpoint by saying something like, "I hear where you're coming from, and you know what? That makes sense." Feeling appreciated is a strong human desire, and you have the power to offer it.
3. Fostering Affiliation
- Shift from "Me vs. You" to "Us vs. The Problem": Traditional conflict often involves a "me versus you" mindset, where opinions clash like "rams butting heads." This adversarial approach is unproductive.
- Transform Adversaries into Partners: Change the dynamic by turning the other person from an adversary into a partner. The goal is to move from "me versus you" to "the two of us facing the same shared problem".
- Seek Joint Advice: Ask the other person for their advice on how both sides can have their interests met simultaneously. For example, "Look, what's your advice on how we can get as many of our interests met at the same time?" Changing the nature of the conversation in this way can significantly transform relationships.
Conclusion: A Positive Revolution
By consistently applying these three practices—understanding identity, cultivating appreciation, and fostering affiliation—individuals can initiate a "positive revolution" of greater understanding, appreciation, and affiliation. This approach has the potential to transform relationships, politics, countries, and ultimately the world, starting with each individual.