https://lifehacker.com/these-questions-will-improve-your-relationships-1820517894
The Four Unspoken Questions in Every Relationship
The core learning point is that in every interaction, from casual acquaintances to romantic partners, people are unconsciously asking four fundamental questions seeking acknowledgment and affirmation. These questions, attributed to Maya Angelou, form the foundation of what makes a good relationship feel good. The four questions are:
- Do you see me?
- Do you care that I'm here?
- Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better in some way?
- Can I tell that I'm special to you by the way that you look at me?
Shift Your Focus from Taking to Giving
The article suggests that instead of focusing on what you get out of your relationships, you should focus on what you give. By consciously working to answer these four unspoken questions for the people in your life, you can take control of improving your relationships. This shifts the dynamic from a passive one, where you're waiting for others to meet your needs, to an active one, where you are proactively strengthening your connections.
- Action Point: In your daily interactions, make a conscious effort to answer these four questions for others. This can be as simple as making eye contact and smiling at a stranger, putting down your phone to give your full attention to your partner, or expressing genuine interest in a friend's life.
The Power of "Bids" for Connection
The article connects these four questions to the work of psychotherapist John Gottman, who calls these requests for connection "bids." A bid is any attempt from one person to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. The success of a relationship, according to Gottman, is not determined by whether every bid is answered, but by the ratio of positive to negative responses. Happy, stable couples turn toward each other's bids 86% of the time, while couples likely to divorce do so only 33% of the time.
- Action Point: Pay attention to the "bids" for connection that people in your life are making. These can be small, seemingly insignificant moments, like a child asking you to look at a drawing or a partner sighing heavily. By turning toward these bids with your full attention, even for a moment, you can significantly strengthen your relationships.
Small Actions, Big Impact
The key takeaway is that improving your relationships doesn't require grand gestures. It's the small, consistent acts of acknowledgment and affirmation that make the biggest difference. Taking a moment to truly "see" someone, to show them you care, and to make them feel special is the "nitty-gritty" of what makes a good relationship good.