https://lifehacker.com/how-to-argue-better-with-your-partner-1831076056
Acknowledge That Your Memory Is Flawed
A core learning point is that our memories are frequently unreliable, especially when we are upset. Arguing over who is "correct" about a past event is often a pointless exercise because both partners are likely remembering it incorrectly in some way.
- Action Point: For minor disagreements about past events, it's more productive to end the fight and make up rather than getting stuck trying to prove who is right. Let go of the need to have the "correct" version of the past.
Recognize That You Are Not Objective When Arguing
When you're in a fight, your brain is not operating at its best. It's "under-resourced," meaning there's literally less blood flow to the parts of the brain that handle error correction and rational thought. This makes you more likely to misinterpret your partner's intentions, actions, and non-verbal cues.
- Action Point: Instead of arguing further about a perceived slight, focus on calming the situation down with love and understanding. Address the specific misinterpretation later, after you've both had a chance to cool off.
Prioritize Clarity and Curiosity Over Fury
Just as you misinterpret your partner, they are likely misinterpreting you. You may think you are being perfectly clear, but an upset listener is prone to making incorrect assumptions. The key is to slow down and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
- Action Point: Adopt a mindset of being "curious, not furious." Slow down the conversation and check for understanding by asking clarifying questions like, "Is this what you mean when you use that word?" Assume the best about your partner's intentions.
Argue Face-to-Face, Not Over Text
Fighting over text is a recipe for disaster because it removes crucial visual cues. We naturally rely on seeing a person's eyes and mouth to help correct misunderstandings in real-time. Texting strips away this vital context, making miscommunication almost inevitable.
- Action Point: For any significant or long-standing disagreement, make sure you are in the same room and looking at each other. Save text messages for simple logistical matters, not serious emotional conflicts.
Aim for Collaboration, Not Just Compromise
The goal of a productive argument should not be compromise, where each person gives something up and meets in the middle. Instead, the goal should be collaboration, where you work together to build a new, creative solution that is better than what either of you initially wanted.
- Action Point: Shift your focus from "winning" to co-creating. Start by acknowledging what you like about your partner's idea instead of just focusing on the points of conflict. Treat the problem as something you are both working to solve together.