Parwy's Blog: What Traits Should You Look For In A Partner? - Chris Williamson with Dr Shannon Curry

Modern adult relationships are complicated. With endless talk of red flags, green flags, icks etc., it can be tough to know who’s truly worth your time. So how do you build a lasting, healthy relationship when you're ready for one? Expect to learn what the biggest red flags are to look out for in a partner, the green flags you should look for, the most common reasons why relationships fail, how to see the beauty instead of the challenges in your partner, how you can unlearn the way you argue, how to create longevity in a relationship, the best advice for stopping intrusive thoughts or unwanted worries about your partner, how to move on from heartbreak, and much more…

Relationships as Trade-Offs and Problem Sets

Getting married or entering a relationship is fundamentally about choosing one person's faults over another's. There are "no solutions, only trade-offs" in relationships.
Couples frequently exchange one type of discomfort for another (e.g., trading a partner who is unemotional but independent for one who is engaging but constantly needs attention).
The realization that you are marrying a set of problems is freeing, as it normalizes the experience of recurring issues and removes the need to constantly search for something better.
It is a myth that couples must solve every issue to be happy together. The majority of a couple's arguments (70%) are made up of arguments around "Perpetual Problems" (e.g., differing views on finances, in-laws, sex drive, or politics) that will never be fully solved.

Three Core Traits for Long-Term Relationship Success

Psychologist Tai Tashiro's research on couples who stay married long-term and report high satisfaction (including in their sex lives) identified three core personality traits that set the groundwork for easier relationship management:

Conscientiousness: This is described as a combination of kindness, sustained empathy, thoughtfulness, and an industrious nature. A conscientious person anticipates needs and is observant, which fosters admiration and gratitude in the partner.
Flexibility (Low Neuroticism): This refers to an easygoing, adaptable, and open nature, rather than high-level mental illness. A flexible partner is capable of managing perturbances and adapting without becoming overly snappy or dramatic, often exhibiting a "Buddhist non-attachment" quality.
Low to Moderate Adventurousness (Openness to Experience): While everyone enjoys hiking or travelling, high adventurousness can mean constantly seeking new projects or being attracted to new, exciting people. Low adventurousness signals stability and focus, which prevents the person from constantly having a wandering focus that diminishes intimacy and connection at home. High adventurousness is predictive of cheating.

The Importance of Foundation: Friendship Levels

The most solid research on relationship longevity (conducted by John and Julie Gottman) suggests that happiness and long-term stability are built on strong friendship levels.
The Sound Relationship House model begins with these "Friendship Levels":
- Love Maps: Knowing your partner's world, including their current best friends, fears, stresses, and most preciously held life dreams.
- Fondness and Admiration: Actively maintaining a positive perspective and romanticizing the relationship's struggles (seeing them as meaningful and purpose-driven).
- Turning Toward: Responding positively to a partner's "bids for connection" (e.g., looking up from work to acknowledge a meme they share). Failing to turn toward a bid (even a seemingly trivial one) signals lack of care and diminishes intimacy.
The friendship foundation provides a positive perspective, allowing couples to handle conflict constructively by realizing they are "on the same team".

Managing Conflict and Perpetual Problems

The goal with Perpetual Problems is to prevent them from becoming "gridlocked issues," which occur when a partner feels blocked from their life's dreams or values and the issue cannot be discussed calmly.
Understanding Before Persuasion: The key to resolving conflict is recognizing that different positions (e.g., on child discipline) are often rooted in a value system or a dream tied to childhood. Sharing and understanding the partner's underlying story without an agenda to persuade them can sometimes make the conflict fall away entirely, reconnecting the couple.
Compromise Bones: After sharing the underlying dreams, couples can set non-negotiable "bones" (values they can't compromise on, like children feeling safe or developing a work ethic) and then work together to build compromises around those foundations.

The Four Horsemen and Divorce Predictors

The Gottman research identified the "Four Horsemen" as highly predictive of divorce or chronic unhappiness if couples stay together. These behaviours should be actively avoided during conflict:

Criticism: Putting the partner down.
Contempt: Criticism on steroids; the single worst predictor of divorce. It involves global insults (e.g., "you're so selfish"), eye-rolling, name-calling, and diminishing the partner.
Defensiveness: Refusing to take responsibility or validate any small piece of the partner's complaint.
Stonewalling: Shutting down and refusing to engage, which makes the partner feel lonely and is often a response to feeling physiologically flooded or a trauma response.

Self-Blame and the "I Can Fix Him/Her" Trap

The drive to pursue partners who need fixing often stems from a childhood need to "earn love" from a critical or withholding parent. This replicates an unhealthy core attachment level where one seeks approval.
Individuals with low self-esteem may seek partners who treat them in a way that aligns with their own negative self-view, leading to a dynamic where they accept "crumbs" and hope to fix the partner in order to prove they are "good enough".
This dynamic can create a power imbalance where the person who cares the least holds the power, which is detrimental to healthy relationships.

Detoxifying from Past Relationship Patterns

Breakups often trigger a drug withdrawal-like response, as the body misses the oxytocin, familiar comforts, and rituals of the old life. The individual tends to idealize the ex-partner and the relationship. Strategies to manage this withdrawal include:
Counter-Idealization: Consciously removing the "rose-colored glasses" and countering the idealization fantasy with memories of the relationship's worst times or rock bottom moments.
Filling Empty Pockets: Actively planning positive activities (e.g., calling a friend, working out) to fill the specific times previously occupied by the partner and their shared rituals.
Protecting Executive Function: Recognizing that the ability to exercise good judgment decreases at night as the frontal lobe goes down, making one less controlled and more likely to pine for the ex or contact them. The advice is simply to go to bed and put the phone away.
The unique pain of a breakup (complex bereavement) is that the person is still accessible, making it different from grief after death.

The Role of Personal Responsibility and Growth

A profound lack of relationship skills in the general population exists, emphasized by the fact that society spends years teaching high-level math that 5% of people will use, while 96% of the population will get married without being taught the blueprint or skills that exist for successful relationships.
Relationships are the greatest teacher for individual growth, enabling profound personal healing and the opportunity to become better for the next relationship.
The most effective path for couples experiencing problems is structured, evidence-based therapy, specifically the Gottman Method, which is skills-based and has 50 years of longitudinal research backing it. Traditional individual therapy methods, when used on couples, can be harmful because they often encourage criticism and contempt.

Initial Attraction vs. Longevity

Evolutionary wiring often draws women to superficial attributes like hotness, height, and money, which drastically diminishes the available dating pool.
However, focusing on these attributes may lead to a partner who is a "complete selfish asshole," demonstrating that what attracts someone initially is often not what sustains long-term happiness.
Difference does not predict difficulties; compatibility myths are less important than connection. A couple can be very different (e.g., career, educational level, interests) yet thrive if they prioritize connection, friendship, and conflict management.

Ethical and Financial Red Flags

Characterological abuse (tied to an enduring personality seeking power and control) is a major predictor of unhappiness. This includes subtle digs, diminishing the partner, or having a "Viper personality" that feels better after "zinging" the partner.
Obsession with possessions and financial control can be a major red flag, signalling that the partner views the other person as a possession rather than an individual.
High sociosexual openness/high adventurousness in a partner is predictive of infidelity.

Chapters

00:00:00 Trade-Offs in Choosing a Partner
00:06:00 The Importance of Flexibility
00:10:43 Three Key Traits to Look For
00:18:53 Are There Clear Red Flag Traits?
00:21:51 Is it Bad to Be Very Different to Your Partner?
00:34:53 Can We Unlearn How We Argue & Disagree?
00:40:17 Why We’re Drawn to Partners We Want to Fix
00:43:34 The Best Way to Bring an Issue Up to Resolve
00:47:20 Why Friendship Is So Important in Relationships
00:51:54 Things That Predict Relationship Longevity
00:59:06 How to Let Go of Bad Patterns From Previous Relationships
01:05:25 How to Get Over a Breakup
01:17:22 Where to Find Shannon